MONDO EXTRAS

Orthodontia is not to be taken lightly when you are a big star, folks. I bet that was Harry Hamlin's real luggage and they wrote it in. He stuffs his gun in his pants and walks out, presumably leaving his luggage (and retainer!) in the bathroom.

That infernal mariachi band is still playing when we go back outside, and the schlubs are toasting to the WASPies with "Here's to us, looking up at all of them." Ow! My head is so beaten over with this classism theme!

Bride is still worried about Cousin Ben, but Groom says he's always late. Bride decides to give him a call, which she hadn't apparently tried yet? The rich are different. As she dials, one of the schlubs LITTERS a beer bottle over the side of the yacht, like, don't blame THEM for thinking you're a hayseed, and we follow it down to poor cousin Ben, under the yacht. He has been tied to the boat's spinny go-thing (I'm not a seaman), and also to two whole oxygen tanks from which he is breathing. That may sound like a relief but it's not -- he was meant to be kept alive until the boat's motor came on and rocketed him towards the spinny go-thing, which would then hack him to bits. So I guess this murder guy has some sort of personal problem with Cousin Ben, because that's pretty mean. It's also a clue! We are detectives!

Cousin Ben's phone goes straight to voicemail, so Bride gives up and off they go. Also, off they go with Ben's head, and a trail of blood spills out into the water behind the ship that everyone's too drunk and oblivious to notice. Opening credits. There's a bird on the show's title card. Don't know if that's significant or not.

Jesus, are they ever getting off this damn yacht? They're taking a family photo now, but Groom isn't invited, ostensibly because he's too poor to fit in with his new family. He talks to Jarty some more about why she's scared to come back to Harper's Island. He asserts that it's been seven years since "the murders," and that "the island's moved on from that" because apparently we're watching Lost. Jarty is cautiously optimistic.

The schlubs exposit amongst themselves that Jarty should have been Groom's best man because they're very close. Even though they haven't seen each other in seven years?

Bride gets a call and daddy way too suspiciously says "it's probably Ben.