The Harper's Island Premiere
Dead ones. The first one she remembers is her mother. Apparently she found her, which is very sad. She turns around and we are startled by Groom grabbing her and telling her the killer's dead and taking her out of there. He meant to be comforting, but he wasn't.
Now we're at the enormous chateau/wedding site, and everyone's bustling around preparing, because weddings are insanely hard. I'd rather work the mines and die prematurely of the Black Lung than plan a wedding, that's how hard they are. Jarty tells Groom that walking by that tree was inevitable (false) and that she wanted to get it over with. Then he makes some hilarrrrrious joke about how she's estranged from her father. I can see why Bride would risk losing her family and social standing over such an awesome guy!
Goofy Hot and her British boyfriend (she has a British boyfriend, apparently) are shown into their rooms. Their relationship is dumb, so I'll be brief. He gives her a toy ship, a card, a promise of sailing lessons and recites a poem. They are in love, so they start doin' it. They are so dead.
Back at the harbor, Hunkfish and another fisherman are watching some men monkey with the yacht and joke about how Bride and Groom's wedding is so "Princess & the Pauper" which works as a title, but that's not what happened in that story. The prince and the pauper didn't marry each other, they traded places because the grass is greener. Unless I forgot the ending? Whatever. They offer the two workmen their assistance, and one of them tells Hunkfish he thinks something's caught under the rudder. Hunkfish starts just blindly rooting around underneath the yacht and grabs a piece of twine that is semi-connected to BEN'S SEVERED HEAD! YES! THEY SHOWED IT! He pulls the twine out, and no one's any wiser to the severed head.
Harry Hamlin is now telling Groom what a fairy tale it is that he's marrying a rich person. Christ, point taken.
Goofy Hot's boyfriend has a ring to give her but he's afraid it's not expensive enough to impress her because rich people are shallow bastards on this show. Also there was a double entendre about dick size that I'd rather not get into.
Bride's bitchy sister and her husband who clearly doesn't love her are discussing how Asshole Daughter needs a friend to play with for the week. Asshole Daughter is currently having a ball burning a snail with a magnifying glass, so something tells me she's more of a loner type.