The Harper's Island Premiere

by Mindy Monez April 10, 2009
Spring Pilot Season: Harper’s Island But that class struggle caper is put on hold as creepy piano music plays over a cab arriving at the yacht party carrying a girl who hesitates getting out of the car. Some exposition happens between her and the completely unnecessarily one-eyed cab driver, who tells her he recognizes her as "Sheriff Mills' kid," and recalls "something awful" happening to "all those people around here." The memory leaves cab girl and the soundtrack shaken, as both completely freak out for a second.

Back onboard, the couch-fucker from Nip/Tuck is looking at his watch impatiently when Bride walks over to tell him to chill out, "we're still waiting on people, daddy." Oh, and by the way, has he seen cousin Ben? Daddy suspiciously non-answers her with "I don't want you to worry," and then mariachi music starts playing, but for very good reason.

The reason is that Harry Hamlin is here! Hell yes! His character seems to have brought the mariachi band with him, for the sole purpose of making a grand and hilarious entrance. Naturally, he is dancing with a sombrero on, and the groom shouts, "Uncle Marty!" So that's his deal. He's the groom's uncle, and he would prefer if everyone would call him "Uncle Marty" all week, olé!

Cab girl has collected herself enough to bust through the mariachi band with her luggage, and it should be noted that she is wearing what I refer to as a "Jarty" -- jeans on the top, jeans on the bottom. A jeans party, if you will. She makes eye contact with the groom and they beam and wave at each other like idiots. They run to each other and hug, and he hilariously says, "I thought you'd never get out of that cab!" Ha! Me too. She boards the yacht, hugs the bride, and we learn that she has been living in L.A., and is notoriously nervous about coming home to Harper's Island. Also she shotguns one of the Coolerman's beers, because not only is she a basketcase, she is also one of the guys.

Harry Hamlin's pill-popping and downing champagne in the bathroom because he's glamorous, and we get a look at his luggage, which consists of a gun, many stacks of 100 dollar bills, a digital camera, and what looks like a plastic retainer container. Orthodontia is not to be taken lightly when you are a big star, folks. I bet that was Harry Hamlin's real luggage and they wrote it in. He stuffs his gun in his pants and walks out, presumably leaving his luggage (and retainer!) in the bathroom.

That infernal mariachi band is still playing when we go back outside, and the schlubs are toasting to the WASPies with "Here's to us, looking up at all of them." Ow! My head is so beaten over with this classism theme!

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