The Harper's Island Premiere

by Mindy Monez April 10, 2009
Spring Pilot Season: Harper’s Island Oh, and in the middle of their conversation a giant bird fell on them for no reason and started flapping everywhere. I guess that was supposed to be startling for us too? I dunno, didn't work for me.

Finally they get to the island and disembark. Right on the pier they're unloading onto is a fisherman hacking the shit out of some poor fish like, welcome to Murder Island, folks. The fisherman is quite the hunk, and when he sees Jarty he just starts accosting her to death with friendliness. Apparently they used to date, and he always knew that some day she'd come back to him, even though she's a big city girl now. She plays coy and he puts his hand over his heart in that "ahh you're killin' me!" rom-com way, and welcomes her back. Then drops his expression completely and becomes a supercreep as he goes back to his fish-choppin'. Everyone is a suspect! Especially since there is no way Jarty could land hunkfish (his new name), even if he does smell like fish. They are a mis-match, I'm sorry.

OK, so now everyone from the yacht is getting on party golf carts, but Jarty wants none of it. She'd prefer walking alone through the woods on this island she is terrified of. Makes sense. You wouldn't have to tell me twice to get on a party golf cart, no matter where I was, but that's just me.

As she walks through the woods, she comes across a tree that makes her flash back in sepia tone to seeing people hanged in them. Dead ones. The first one she remembers is her mother. Apparently she found her, which is very sad. She turns around and we are startled by Groom grabbing her and telling her the killer's dead and taking her out of there. He meant to be comforting, but he wasn't.

Now we're at the enormous chateau/wedding site, and everyone's bustling around preparing, because weddings are insanely hard. I'd rather work the mines and die prematurely of the Black Lung than plan a wedding, that's how hard they are. Jarty tells Groom that walking by that tree was inevitable (false) and that she wanted to get it over with. Then he makes some hilarrrrrious joke about how she's estranged from her father. I can see why Bride would risk losing her family and social standing over such an awesome guy!

Goofy Hot and her British boyfriend (she has a British boyfriend, apparently) are shown into their rooms. Their relationship is dumb, so I'll be brief. He gives her a toy ship, a card, a promise of sailing lessons and recites a poem. They are in love, so they start doin' it. They are so dead.

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