The Harper's Island Premiere

by Mindy Monez April 10, 2009
Spring Pilot Season: Harper’s Island Oh, she's drunk again, by the way. She's determined to have fun this week. The WASPs are having a retarded conversation about how men and women can't just be friends, and I hate to sound judgmental especially after the granny panties comment, but I don't know how anyone is friends with people so insufferably inane. Bride has a text from Hunter telling her she looks lovely and to meet him in the south lobby.

Hunter looks like a very rich douchebag, so, great casting, show. He has lots of gel in his hair and he has come to convince Bride not to marry poor-pockets sad sack over there. She returns to the party and slow dances with Groom, while Goofy Hot "dances" with Harry Hamlin. I put that in quotation marks because Hamlin's just kind of bobbing his head while extending both arms out in Jesus pose and snapping his fingers while Goofy Hot twirls around like the Tasmanian Devil in front of him. One of the schlubs says Hamlin is his hero because he's 50 and unmarried, and then we hear one of the WASPs say completely out of nowhere "as far as I'm concerned, eating isn't cheating," like OH MY GOD WHY DID I HAVE TO HEAR THAT?

Groom wanders up to the WASP table looking for J.D. and drunk Jarty slurs that she's on it and bounces.

Bride is consulting with Bitchy Sister about the Hunter situation, and Bitchy Sister (who is wearing a lovely brown dress that I have the cheap version of in blue) says they should go to their dad about it. Bride hates that idea because he will only make a scene. She loves Groom and is not having second thoughts. Great. Is there going to be another murder ever or what?

Hamlin is taking one of those strolls people like to go on alone in the woods on a murder island when he happens upon Bride's dad and Hunter discussing how Groom isn't good enough for Bride and how they're scheming together to break them up. So I guess that's who "HJ" is. I guess that's kind of funny, now that we know the guy's a real dick for sure.

Oh brother, Jarty's put her jean jacket back on, over her slut dress. She is stumbling towards a bar when we hear some birds rustling. More damn birds! Bird is the word on this show. She stops for a second, weirded out, and then goes into the bar, where an extra by the door majorly goes for it in the creepy checking out her ass department. Way to really commit to a choice there, extra. Jarty knows the bartender, a spunky blonde with a tongue ring, and they are happy to see each other.

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