The Harper's Island Premiere

by Mindy Monez April 10, 2009
Spring Pilot Season: Harper’s Island Jarty spots J.D. drinking alone at a table across the bar, and Jarty goes off to text Groom and tell him J.D.'s okay. She is thwarted by Hunkfish, however, who materializes to insult her yet again with the city girl thing and challenge her to a rousing game of pool. Fascinating.

Back at the chateau, Asshole Daughter finds Cousin Ben's gift bag (with a nametag on it that says "Ben Wellington" -- and his nickname wasn't "Beef"? What is wrong with this family?), and she takes it because she's an asshole and, judging by later events, may already know he is dead. Also there might be booze inside. All good reasons to take the gift basket. She rips up the nametag because she's terrible.

Hamlin walks up to Bride's Dad, sitting on the porch enjoying a cigar and what looks like scotch, neat. This scene is actually kind of cool, as Hamlin explains to Bride's dad that he's always seen his purpose in life as a protector of men like Groom from people like Bride's Dad. Bride's Dad asks if that's supposed to threaten him, but he indeed looks a little threatened. Hamlin smugly says no, and besides, we're going to be family soon. Zing-in-law!

I know nobody gives a shit, but Jarty's still playing pool with Hunkfish. She's bad at it, and they have some dumb wager where if she doesn't make a certain shot she has to do whatever he wants, I guess in a sexual way? Ew. She scratches and meekly asks, "double or nothing?" She's dumb. Let's murder her. And him. Or anybody. This was supposed to be a murder show.

This part is barely worth discussing, but there was some violence, finally, thank GOD, so here's what happened: a girl was playing the jukebox, J.D. was looking in her general direction and she got all weird and conceited about it and told him to stop, then some IDIOT AND I MEAN IDIOT! macho guy comes up, all posturing and puffed up, telling J.D. to step off his piece, then there was a hilarious fight that Jarty tried to break up with a pool cue. She failed of course, but her estranged father the sheriff swooped in and finished the job of both breaking up the fight and kicking her ass out of the bar. He also gave her and J.D. an awkward ride back to the chateau, which was awfully nice of him. Not that Jarty wants to give the poor guy a break or anything. Did I mention she has tied her jean jacket around her waist, over her slut dress? I know she's drunk and all, but that is not the look.

Inside, Jarty stares at a fire while Groom apologizes for sending her out looking for J.D. and inadvertently causing her to run into her estranged father. Snooooooooze.

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