Out on the dance floor, Hyde is getting his groove on with the girlies, and they are trying to deck him out in some nifty seventies-style duds. Dr. Dave grabs him off the dance floor and shoves him out the door. It's light outside as they head to the car, but things get much darker when they arrive at the car and realize that (drumroll please) they didn't survive the crash. Are you surprised? I didn't think so. We all saw it coming. Freaking Stevie Wonder saw it coming. But Dr. Dave and Hyde didn't see it coming. The man in the white suit approaches them. Did you guess my name, fellows, he asks. Yeah, yeah, we get it. Satan's a snappy dresser. Or he was thirty years ago. Dr. Dave can't believe he's dead. He picks up a stick and pokes Hyde's dead body for awhile. Hyde tells him to knock it off. Dr. Dave can't believe hell is a disco inferno. Hyde can't believe he ended up in hell. Satan asks him how many times he used the name of the Lord in vain. Hyde points out that that's a pretty lame reason. Satan points out that it's one of the top ten. Dr. Dave asks Satan where all the fiery pits are, 'cause he always thought hell would be like that Black Sabbath album cover. Satan raises an eyebrow and says that disco hell is just for rockers, because eternal damnation is best when custom-made. Make that "eternal damnation and leather pants," and you've got yourself a winning tag line. Ill-fitting leather pants are one of the biggest fashion faux pas currently plaguing the streets of our nation's capital. Damn Republican administration. Dr. Dave points out that Satan is really evil. Dr. Dave? Um, duh. Satan recommends that they hustle their little patooties back into the eternal Saturday Night, because they're going to get bored sitting on the sidewalk and will eventually give in and become what they hate most. Yawn. Satan heads back to his dance partner while Dr. Dave and Hyde sit on the car, thinking about eternity. Dr. Dave scratches his nuts for awhile before turning to Hyde and flashing the Headbanger's Handshake, which my mother always said was the sign of the devil, and says, on the bright side, we're still together. Hyde stares at him and then pulls out the flip charts and graphs which point out exactly how much this is all Dr. Dave's fault. At the end of the presentation, Hyde packs up his PowerPoint exhibit and heads into the club for eternity.
Dr. Dave is still scratching himself when the paramedics show up in response to the accident. Dr. Dave mumbles to himself about his sorry lot in life until he spies a CD on the ground. Well, at least we always have tunes, he grumbles, as he puts the disc into his CD player holster which, in my humble opinion, is an inexplicable accessory. Who makes those? Who buys those? Anyway, once Dr. Dave pops in the smooth sounds of Sabbath, the paramedics find a heart beat. Dr. Dave, being the brilliant Granada-educated physician that he is, figures out that the tunes started his heart. He runs toward the club entrance, but the bouncer stops him, saying that he's no longer on the list. Dr. Dave goes to the bathroom window where the chick in the blue jumpsuit is loitering. Let me in, he yelps. But, but, but Dante won't like it at all. Dr. Dave and I point out that she's already in hell and Dante already made her make out with Dr. Dave in a bathroom, so how much worse can it get? She lets him in. The paramedics lose his heartbeat as soon as he enters the club. They shock him back to life with the defibrillators, but Dr. Dave dies again in order to sally forth onto the dance floor to save Hyde. He hands Hyde the Discman and pushes play, but it's too late. Hyde already has the white man's afro, the platform shoes with the see-through plastic heels, and the bellbottoms. It's too late for him. Satan comes up and points out that it's only rock and roll, and even Alice Cooper can't fix Hyde's broken neck. Dr. Dave apologizes for being a complete fucking moron, and the paramedics shock him back to life again. As he opens his eyes, he sees that the building across from the crash site where the club is -- drumroll again please -- a condemned building. Hoo! Those writers sure are witty. At the hospital, Dr. Dave is being fussed over by nurses, but they get called away because a girl is waking up from an extended coma. It's the girl in the jumpsuit. Rock and roll saved her life! Now they can go to concerts together. How cute. You know, if Satan was going to tailor-make hell for me, it would certainly involve watching this crap over and over again for eternity. And this is only the first of four. Oh god, my eyes are bleeding.