Pamie: X-Men is nominated for Best Picture? Stee: This is the MTV Movie Awards. Pamie: In any parallel universe, I wouldn't think it'd be nominated.Hannibal...
Stee: Hannibal? Pamie: Oh, now you're upset. Stee: Well, I wouldn't think Hannibal would be in that demographic. Pamie: Kids love the Sirs.Erin Brockovich, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and Gladiator. The songs they play during the clips are supposed to have some meaning -- like "Head Like A Hole" for Hannibal. Get it? Got it? Good. Anyway, Gladiator wins. The producer makes bad Roman arena jokes, and two people "whooooo!" and then he says the movie would be nothing without the audience. It was nothing, even with the audience. Anyway, he wins. No one cares. No one. Fallon and Dunst say it's the end of the show and then yell that they're getting married and even they are tired because that joke makes no sense and they dance as the credits roll. Backstage hilarity. Tom Cruise makes funny. Dunst and Fallon say they want to do it again. Bloopers from the sketches. Diaz makes funny. Lil' Kim is a ho. Destiny's Child is tired. P. Diddy steals Diaz's award. Kutcher tries to make a joke. Diaz again. Tom Cruise. More bloopers. Jim Carrey is still not giving up on the psychic bit. Stiller makes a joke. Fraser says that The Rock actually hit him. Good. Fallon loves himself so much. That's it. We're tired. Fuck off. Nap time.
Stee: What about Mena Suvari?
Pamie: Her too. I need a salve for my Mena Suvari. And a balm for my Milla Jovovich.
Christina is dressed like the girl ghost from Evil Dead 2. Ashton asks for a kiss. She says no for forever. There's no funny. Girls scream for some Ashton. It's Best Kiss. When we come back from the clips, the presenters are "making out." Ah. We get it. Julia Stiles and Sean Patrick Thomas win. Julia thanks Sean for being "sexy and beautiful," and he says, seriously, "No problem. No problem." Hee. They kiss. The crowd cheers.
Dunst and Fallon introduce Cameron Diaz and Mike Myers. Mike Myers does schtick about his butt. Again. Still. Forever. They plug Shrek in a very unfunny "funny" manner. Diaz is still on drugs. It's Best Male Performance. Tom Cruise. Mel Gibson. Omar Epps. Tom Hanks. Russell Crowe. Ha, Omar Epps all like, "I'm here, why?" They open the envelope. It's Tom Cruise. No kidding. We mean, he totally would have shown up if he didn't already know he'd won. Man, them Scientologists truly are powerful. Hee -- there is a section of girls standing up and screaming which they very deliberately show. Goddamn, they're paid shills. Tom Cruise has absolutely no sense of humor. Actually, neither do we very much at this point. Lord. Commercials. We're yawning.
Fallon and Dunst, excited about the ending and ready to call their agents and insist they never host another awards show ever, introduce Halle Berry, John Travolta, and Hugh Jackman. Halle starts talking. She talks about her boobies and being paid extra to show them in Swordfish. She predictably starts talking about how unfair it is that the men didn't have to get naked and she says they should have to show something and Travolta and Jackman start dancing and we really hope everyone associated with Travolta, Berry, Jackman, Australia, Swordfish, The Church of Scientology, and MTV is embarrassed for themselves. Jackman takes off his jacket. Halle Berry starts faking an orgasm, yelling "Yes!" as the guys unzip their pants. But instead of taking out their Swordfish, they lift up their shirts to expose their taut and flabby stomachs, respectively. Pamie would like to add here that she doesn't find Travolta's stomach to be flabby at all. Stee would like to point out here that Pamie is completely delusional, and he'd also like to remind everyone that Pamie used to talk to an imaginary John Travolta in her bedroom when she was a kid. Pamie would like to point out that Stee saw Scary Movie. Stee thinks that Pamie doesn't have a leg to stand on, at this point. Embarrassing. Everyone. Halle then says that if you go see the movie and pay money, you get to see "these," and she grabs her tits. Just plain sad. Go get a DUI, Halle. They announce Best Picture. The nominees are X-Men...