The 2002 MTV Movie Awards

Pamie and Stee and Ray: Oh my Lord. Hee. Hee.
Pamie: Thank you, Chris. Thanks for this gift you've given us. "This situation on AIDS."
Stee: Jennifer Garner is all trying not to laugh.
Pamie: So this 2002 Best Fight Award actually went to the women and children of Ghana because of the situation on AIDS.
Stee: And their "strempfth."
Pamie: I had strempfth once. But then I went to a doctor and got a shot of penicillin.
Stee: The best thing is that we just got lectured by a guy who literally could not pronounce "Chelsea Clinton" a few years back when he did Rush Hour.

Yay, Commercials.

Jack Black and Sarah Michelle introduce Jodie Foster, which launches into a very fake "Where's Jodie?!" routine. Then we segue seamlessly into a Panic Room parody, complete with Will Ferrell. They're trying to start this "Bro-ham" thing where we call each other that, but it's stopping right here and now, dammit. Jack Black thanks his bro-ham for the in-flight cornrows. They both discuss their corn rows. They call out nicknames for Jodie Foster that include "Jo-Jo" and "Frosty Freeze," but they never call out Jo-Jo Dancer, Your Life is Calling. Did we just show our age? The best one is Will Ferrell just shouting out, "Jaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!" Footage from Panic Room. Jack and Will do some Stooges stuff. Will pretends his hand is stuck in the panic room. They shatter her Franklin Mint commemorative plates. They play Starship's "We Built This City." Finally, they decide to fart her out. Yeah, that's playing to the highest form of intelligence. Jodie lights the fart on fire. Another "bro-ham" later and Hilary Swank's teeth are ringing in the audience. She says "bro-ham" as well. Cut it!

Hilary Swank's Teeth are here to present Christopher Nolan with an award for Memento. The rest of Hilary Swank is dressed as a cross-dressing parade marshal. We watch a Memento retrospective. Hilary Swank pretends she can't remember who won the award, so she lifts her shirt and shows Christopher Nolan's name written backwards on her tummy. In the audience, Ewan cries for Baz's loss. Christopher Nolan smarms around his award, so happy that he's a winner. There are too many people to thank, so he won't really thank anybody.

Pamie: I think that announcer was just hitting on us. Man, Hilary Swank is trying to channel Pat Benatar.

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The 2002 MTV Movie Awards Pamie: Hee. "...retarded guts..." is my favorite line from Memento. Stee: So was this sketch just her handlers' attempt to convince us subliminally that Hilary Swank is the next Jodie Foster? Pamie: Nolan looks like Cary Elwes in The Cat's Meow. Stee: You realize you're the only one watching the awards show who's seen The Cat's Meow? Why is Sarah Michelle holding Hilary Swank's Teeth's bandleader jacket as she announces the next presenters? It's time for Brittany Murphy and Eddie Griffin, this year's Trying Hardest To Please Everyone With Pathetic Skankiness and Self-Parody winners. Reese Witherspoon has to hide her eyes in shame. Eddie Griffin pretends he's the Undercover Brother, which is so fucking sad. Best Breakthrough Male: Colin Hanks, Orange County (ooh, not Jack Black?! Blasphemy!); DMX, Exit Wounds; Daniel Radcliffe, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone; Orlando Bloom, Lord of the Rings; Paul Walker, The Fast & the Furious.
Pamie: Maybe once you have sex with Eminem you just automatically become white trash. Stee: I think Brittany Murphy was white trash before, but yeah. Aw, Reese Witherspoon is laughing at Brittany Murphy. That's fucked up. Man, I find Eddie Griffin so unfunny, it's astounding. Pamie: This fake acting is driving me to drink. Stee: DMX! Pamie: "What! Uhn!" What is this the award for, most eclectic dinner party? Stee: "'allo DMX. I'm Daniel Radcliffe. Could you pass the potatoes, please?" Pamie: Which one is Orlando Bloom and which is Paul Walker? And does it really matter? Stee: Paul Walker is nominated? He made Ja Rule look like a good actor comparatively in that movie. And that's saying a fucking whole hell of a lot. Pamie: How are there two people named Orlando?
Ew, the award was in his 'fro. Brittany cannot stop giggling long enough. She pulls the card away from Eddie, puts her finger in the air and Redrum's it and whimpers, "I'll never tell!" She's so mad she's not nominated for anything ever. I used to really like her. Now she's fucking crazy. Eddie Griffin talks some crazy talk back to her and finally we find out that Orlando Bloom wins. He's videotaping it in with his facial hair that matches the Joker on The Joker's Wild. Seann William Scott is sitting next to Chucky from the Making the Band episode where Ashley tries to be a movie star.

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