The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Pamie: People didn't used to say --
Stee: -- That rock is full of hos.
Pamie: People didn't used to say it like that. Like, "I'm waiting to see some boobies." You saw that promo, where they were voting based of the girl's asses. It wasn't so blatant before. "She's fat so I don't think she should win."
Stee: Who said she's fat?
Pamie: He just said Kelly Clarkson had "too much junk in her trunk." But she "has a nice rack" and he's fucked uglier girls.
Stee: And you are upset that Kelly Clarkson's getting dissed on Crank Yankers?
Pamie: I'm just mad that...people don't talk about all these ugly-ass rappers, and they keep calling 50 Cent a hottie! He has a bullet hole in his face!
Stee: Well, so does Christina Aguilera.
Pamie: No. That is a cockhole.
Stee: Maybe that's what GC stands for.
Pamie: Gangrene Cockhole.
Stee: Ew. Gigantic Cockhole.

Next is Nelly and Murphy Lee or whatever that guy is. Murphy Lee plugs his album. They talk about how they like "sexy asses." The jokes bomb. Nelly likes his girls to get a little dirty. "You want a girl brings the beauty and the booty." What the fuck is happening? Oh, it's Xtina. She has a tiny ass, by the way, but whatever. Nelly don't see so good now that the face cancer has spread.

Stee: I don't understand what's going on.
Pamie: That guy did that horrible "Shake Your Tailfeather" song with Puffy and the "OHHHH-OH-oh, OH-OH!"
Stee: Ow. Okay. Got it.
Pamie: Nelly just grabbed his crotch and then rubbed his fingers together to feel whatever substance he just picked off his crotch.
Stee: Maybe he's carrying his face bandage in a different place now.
Pamie: Oh, my goodness. Christina Aguilera just performed. And I say that with nine sets of quotation marks around the word "performed."

Why does Xtina get to sing again? Anyway, Redman is standing on some jungle gym as dancers slide around and climb like children at recess hopped up on Dr Pepper and graham crackers. The sound is so terrible, we think she might actually be singing. Why is Redman even bothering? Then out from the sewers of New York comes the Gigantic Head of Dave Navarro. His dome is so fucking huge, even Lenny Kravitz is sitting there going, "Damn, that man's head is huge." So this is an Xtina medley. How lucky we are.

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards Stee: It's noisy? Hee. Pamie: It doesn't have a song in it. Like, it's a lot of sounds and she kind of moans over it and yells...and then she's too busy flashing her vagina and I can't... Pamie: Speaking of "Dirrty." Stee: Yeah. "Derrrrty." Pamie: Wow, that is the worst hair. It looks like that dreadlocked poodle that used to live down the street from you. Stee: Dave Navarro loves money. Pamie: What is he doing? Stee: He loves money. Oh, this is a medley from "Dirrrty"! Pamie: I wish they were all punching Christina in the face in a giant group beating. Stee: Dave Navarro kind of looks like Abraham Lincoln now. Pamie: He does! Stee: He looks like a drag queen Abraham Lincoln. Pamie: He needs to get rid of whatever that is hanging from his face. Stee: Even Perry Farrell thinks he has a big head. Pamie: Dave Navarro can't look right at her. Stee: Well, he can't because the syphilis from Carmen Electra is making his eyesight go. It's from the Rodman strain through sweeping through the music industry right now. Pamie: Well, Madonna had it, so Britney and Christina both have it now. Stee: Somehow Jack Black has it, too. Pamie: Sure. He got it from Jack White. Stee: Boo. Pamie: Horrible! Stee: With an emphasis on "Hor." Pamie: Herrrrrrable. Stee: Now why does Dave Navarro keep wearing shirts that ride up? Pamie: 'Cause he's hot. Chris Rock says we'll be hearing those songs at strip clubs for years. Is that joke? He then says that these guys are regulars are Soul Train and this guy is always looking for a "fresh vein." Oh, a heroin joke. It's Outkast and Iggy Pop. Iggy laughs his ass off when they say, "Party people, what's up?" They do some banter about the difference between MTV and MTV2 and both plug their albums. Iggy Pop deals with it well, laughing. Seriously, whatever he's been shooting all these years, give us some, cuz he looks good. They present the MTV2 Award. "No One Knows" (Queens of the Stone Age). "Girl's Not Grey" (A.F.I.). "PDA" (Interpol). "The Seed 2.0" (The Roots with Cody Chestnut). "Come Close" (Common with Mary J. Blige).
Pamie: I figured it out. He looks like Nipsey Russell in The Wiz as the Tin Man. Stee: Who does? Pamie: The guy from Outkast. Stee: Which one? Pamie: The one in the pink suspenders.

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