MONDO EXTRAS

The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Stee: Gregory Hines on the back! That's the best shirt ever. Will you buy me a shirt that says "Remember Barry White" and on the back it says "Gregory Hines"?
Pamie: You just ruined your birthday present.
Stee: And then will you write "Remember Betty White?"
Pamie: And "Remember Duncan Hines."
Stee: 50 Cent loves tap dancing.
Pamie: Kim Cattrall fucked them both.
Stee: P. Diddy's obsessed with dead people.
Pamie: "Ev'ry time a DJ gets capped, Diddy gets a platinum record!"
Stee: He's dressed like Father Guido Sarducci.
Pamie: I think he's actually a Reverend.
Stee: What's with the silence?
Pamie: Cover, Puffy! Fill!

"Move" (Ludacris with Mystikal). "Lose Yourself" (Eminem). "Thugz Mansion" (Tupac with Nas). "In Da Club" (50 Cent). "I Can" (Nas). Oooh, Nas is up against himself! Who will win? So tense. P. Diddy announces it. 50 Cent. Eminem goes up with him. He gets a percentage of everything. Even the stage time. 50 Cent's girlfriend is Vivica A. Fox and her two new fake friends. She's happy for 50. 50 Cent says he's going to keep Eminem's Moon Man. But then they do some awkward trade-off jokes and it goes on. 50 Cent thanks the people who bought his CD. Commercials.

Stee: I thought we already saw Best Rap. What's the difference between Rap and R&B?
Pamie: Mary J. Blige. Oh, God. I hate this song so much.
Stee: I didn't even sell my Nas album. I gave it away.
Pamie: I can't take the sound of children singing rap songs.
Stee: I can't take them singing at all. The sound of children singing fills my heart with terror.
Pamie: Yeah.
Stee: I feel bad that 50 can't open his mouth very wide.
Pamie: Well...Yeah.
Stee: He just wants a hug.
Pamie: And to kill you.
Stee: He broke Eminem's Moon Man.
Pamie: Aw.
Stee: He's so humble.
Pamie: Because he's retarded.
Stee: What?
Pamie: What?
Stee: 50 Cent's not retarded.
Pamie: Whatever.
Stee: No, he just can't open his mouth very wide because he got shot so many times. Nine times in his jaw!
Pamie: This song is "Mah-ba-dee-bu-duh. So come give me a hug." That's what retarded kids like. Dancing, hugs.

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards Stee: I didn't even sell my Nas album. I gave it away. Pamie: I can't take the sound of children singing rap songs. Stee: I can't take them singing at all. The sound of children singing fills my heart with terror. Pamie: Yeah. Stee: I feel bad that 50 can't open his mouth very wide. Pamie: Well...Yeah. Stee: He just wants a hug. Pamie: And to kill you. Stee: He broke Eminem's Moon Man. Pamie: Aw. Stee: He's so humble. Pamie: Because he's retarded. Stee: What? Pamie: What? Stee: 50 Cent's not retarded. Pamie: Whatever. Stee: No, he just can't open his mouth very wide because he got shot so many times. Nine times in his jaw! Pamie: This song is "Mah-ba-dee-bu-duh. So come give me a hug." That's what retarded kids like. Dancing, hugs. Stee: That's true. "I like the circus." Pamie: "Go Shorty, it's your birthday." Stee: "Go Daddy, it's the kitty. I like the kitty, and it's my birthday!" Pamie: "I like parties, it's my birthday!" Stee: "I like ham! And I like pizza! Let's go swimming! Take me to the beach! Take me to the zoo!" Pamie: "Have you ever seen a cat? I have! I have three." Stee: "I wanna sit in the front seat, you sit in the back!" Pamie: "It's time to take my meds, I'd like some more jam." Stee: "Where's my helmet? I need my helmet." Pamie: "Give it back, it's mine, it's mine, it's mine!" Stee: "You wanna bite? You can have a bite. Everyone gets a bite." Pamie: Do you think our room in Hell will have an ocean view? Back to Nick and Jessica. They do another trivia thing. So sad.
Pamie: We're only halfway through. Stee: I'm not sure we're going to make it.
Since the UPN people think the MTV kids still love him, they buy ad time during the awards for Dan Cortese's new sitcom, Rock Me Baby. They're wrong. Nick and Jessica again. Jessica fake-crosses her fingers as if she cares. The girl gets the question right. "Everyone" "cheers." Back. Hilary Duff, Lil' Jon, and Jason Biggs. How does Jason Biggs still have a career? Seriously? The joke has been going for way too long now. It's not funny anymore. Lil' is drinking from a golden chalice. Hilary Duff says she's trying not to freak out right now. Lil' Jon says he's giving props to people in the house who get crunked and also people who put their mack down and "when their ladies go out, they put they smack down." He then gives a shout to Snoop on that one. In other words: Lil' Jon is standing in front of Lizzie Maguire and giving respect to people who slap their prostitutes who get out of line. For all the "good" that MTV tries to do with making their viewers sensitive to gay rights and race relations and such, how do they justify glorifying pimp culture? It's mind-boggling. So is Mya's smiley reaction to Lil' Jon's brilliant words. Jason Biggs then does the Stuttering White Guy Trying To Be Down With Lil' Jon thing. No wonder fucking Woody Allen likes Jason Biggs so much.

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