MONDO EXTRAS

The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Stee: That's true. "I like the circus."
Pamie: "Go Shorty, it's your birthday."
Stee: "Go Daddy, it's the kitty. I like the kitty, and it's my birthday!"
Pamie: "I like parties, it's my birthday!"
Stee: "I like ham! And I like pizza! Let's go swimming! Take me to the beach! Take me to the zoo!"
Pamie: "Have you ever seen a cat? I have! I have three."
Stee: "I wanna sit in the front seat, you sit in the back!"
Pamie: "It's time to take my meds, I'd like some more jam."
Stee: "Where's my helmet? I need my helmet."
Pamie: "Give it back, it's mine, it's mine, it's mine!"
Stee: "You wanna bite? You can have a bite. Everyone gets a bite."
Pamie: Do you think our room in Hell will have an ocean view?

Back to Nick and Jessica. They do another trivia thing. So sad.

Pamie: We're only halfway through.
Stee: I'm not sure we're going to make it.

Since the UPN people think the MTV kids still love him, they buy ad time during the awards for Dan Cortese's new sitcom, Rock Me Baby. They're wrong.

Nick and Jessica again. Jessica fake-crosses her fingers as if she cares. The girl gets the question right. "Everyone" "cheers."

Back. Hilary Duff, Lil' Jon, and Jason Biggs. How does Jason Biggs still have a career? Seriously? The joke has been going for way too long now. It's not funny anymore. Lil' is drinking from a golden chalice. Hilary Duff says she's trying not to freak out right now. Lil' Jon says he's giving props to people in the house who get crunked and also people who put their mack down and "when their ladies go out, they put they smack down." He then gives a shout to Snoop on that one. In other words: Lil' Jon is standing in front of Lizzie Maguire and giving respect to people who slap their prostitutes who get out of line. For all the "good" that MTV tries to do with making their viewers sensitive to gay rights and race relations and such, how do they justify glorifying pimp culture? It's mind-boggling. So is Mya's smiley reaction to Lil' Jon's brilliant words. Jason Biggs then does the Stuttering White Guy Trying To Be Down With Lil' Jon thing. No wonder fucking Woody Allen likes Jason Biggs so much.

Stee: Jason Biggs gets crunked.
Pamie: See, he's white, so he talks funny when he tries to sound like a rapper.

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Stee: Jason Biggs gets crunked. Pamie: See, he's white, so he talks funny when he tries to sound like a rapper. Stee: P. Diddy thinks Jason Biggs is funny. Pamie: How old is Hilary Duff? Stee: I don't know. Like, seventeen, I hope? Pamie: You hope? Stee: I don't care. ["For the record, she will turn sixteen later this month." -- Wing Chun]
Best Group Video. "Take It Off" (The Donnas). "Bump, Bump, Bump" (B2K with P. Diddy). "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" (Good Charlotte). "Seven Nation Army" (The White Stripes). "The Scientist" (Coldplay). Coldplay wins. The fake Radiohead guys head up therre. Fred Durst stands up and claps. He's such a kiss ass. Gwyneth's boyfriend gets up and says that he's not as hot as Beyoncé...but maybe they are. Wuh? He breaks a photographer's camera before plugging himself, saying that it's so crazy how Justin and P. Diddy and people like that even like Coldplay. (Black and pseudo-black people liking a rock band! Zoinks!) Justin stands up, clapping. He comes all over the back of Sean Paul's head.
Stee: What happened to Dream? I thought he was bringing them back. Pamie: Something bad happened, I guess. Stee: They tried to record. Pamie: That White Stripes video gives me vertigo. Stee: It gives me a migraine. Pamie: This is a strange collaboration of videos in competition here. I wish...Coldplay would break up. Stee: You and Gwyneth. Pamie: And for Coldplay and Gwyneth to break up. Stee: Why do you think Gwyneth only dates famous people? Pamie: Her world is very small. Stee: Fred Durst is standing up for Coldplay. Pamie: Fred Durst has lost it. Stee: He had it? Pamie: Coldplay just said he watched Justin Timberlake when he was growing up. Stee: Well, he does age backward.
Rock makes a joke about Lil' Jon looking like a black Cousin It. Then he intros Eminem. Eminem goes to a podium and talks about his run-in last year with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. He says he went into a program and now he's even a mentor to a special little guy. And up pops the retarded Crank Yankers puppet, Special Ed. He yells "Yay!" a lot. Eminem says that puppets have feelings too and are just there to make us happy. He says that violence is wrong to puppets or people...and the puppet keeps yelling, and finally Eminem beats him up and rips his leg off. Kinda of funny sorta. People in the house seem to think so. Except for Iggy Pop. But he's late for his 9:17 PM fix.

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