The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Stee: P. Diddy thinks Jason Biggs is funny.
Pamie: How old is Hilary Duff?
Stee: I don't know. Like, seventeen, I hope?
Pamie: You hope?
Stee: I don't care. ["For the record, she will turn sixteen later this month." -- Wing Chun]

Best Group Video. "Take It Off" (The Donnas). "Bump, Bump, Bump" (B2K with P. Diddy). "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" (Good Charlotte). "Seven Nation Army" (The White Stripes). "The Scientist" (Coldplay). Coldplay wins. The fake Radiohead guys head up therre. Fred Durst stands up and claps. He's such a kiss ass. Gwyneth's boyfriend gets up and says that he's not as hot as Beyoncé...but maybe they are. Wuh? He breaks a photographer's camera before plugging himself, saying that it's so crazy how Justin and P. Diddy and people like that even like Coldplay. (Black and pseudo-black people liking a rock band! Zoinks!) Justin stands up, clapping. He comes all over the back of Sean Paul's head.

Stee: What happened to Dream? I thought he was bringing them back.
Pamie: Something bad happened, I guess.
Stee: They tried to record.
Pamie: That White Stripes video gives me vertigo.
Stee: It gives me a migraine.
Pamie: This is a strange collaboration of videos in competition here. I wish...Coldplay would break up.
Stee: You and Gwyneth.
Pamie: And for Coldplay and Gwyneth to break up.
Stee: Why do you think Gwyneth only dates famous people?
Pamie: Her world is very small.
Stee: Fred Durst is standing up for Coldplay.
Pamie: Fred Durst has lost it.
Stee: He had it?
Pamie: Coldplay just said he watched Justin Timberlake when he was growing up.
Stee: Well, he does age backward.

Rock makes a joke about Lil' Jon looking like a black Cousin It. Then he intros Eminem. Eminem goes to a podium and talks about his run-in last year with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. He says he went into a program and now he's even a mentor to a special little guy. And up pops the retarded Crank Yankers puppet, Special Ed. He yells "Yay!" a lot. Eminem says that puppets have feelings too and are just there to make us happy. He says that violence is wrong to puppets or people...and the puppet keeps yelling, and finally Eminem beats him up and rips his leg off. Kinda of funny sorta. People in the house seem to think so. Except for Iggy Pop. But he's late for his 9:17 PM fix.

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Stee: The music industry hates women. Officially. You know my favorite moment in women in music this year? In Christina Aguilera's video about women's rights, Lil' Kim comes out and strips for her verse. Pamie: I think Jewel getting hosed by firemen might be better. Or Liz Phair getting naked. Everybody got naked this year. Stee: I think you should take your shirt off for this recap. Pamie: Snoop didn't bring his chained whores on stage with him. What is Gunit? Stee: G-Unit. Pamie: Oh! Ha. I thought all night it said "Gunit." Stee: Was that Alfonso Ribeiro up there? Pamie: I'm not going to look. Stee: I like in rap, the second your album comes out you've got to break someone new. I think I'm gonna do that with my recaps. Pamie: That is Alfonso Ribeiro. Stee: I'm gonna start breaking other recappers. Pamie: Who we gonna break tonight? Stee: Djb. Pamie: I'd like to give a shout-out to Djb. Next year I hope he's recapping theMTV Video Music Awards! Stee: Shout-out to Roswellllll! Pamie: Talkin' bout the Twin Peaks CLASSICS! Stee: Somethin' 'bout a Bachelor! Pamie: Ya' heard? He used to be West Coast and now he's East Coast! We should give away the Tubeys. And it should be really sloppy and drunken. And me and Alex Richmond will wear tiny little outfits. Stee: People who aren't even recapping are out there with us. Pamie: AB can be our 50 Cent. Stee: But less retarded.
Rock talks about how it's the anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I have a dream..." speech. "Isn't it nice to see that his dream finally came true," Rock says. Ha. Commercials.
Pamie: Pimp culture...just keeps getting more and more popular instead of fading from popularity. Stee: Popularrre. Pamie: That's not funny anymore. Stee: Yes, it is. Pamie: I know.
Rock asks people if they're having fun. They're not. He introduces the "Gay Beatles," the Queer Eye guys. Oh. There's also Jimmy Fallon. The joke is that people think he's on the Queer Eye show too. Jimmy Fallon says he's not. They say he is and that he's gay. Finally he threatens to beat them up. Wow. Komedy. Best Female Video. "Crazy In Love" (Beyoncé with Jay-Z). "Work It" (Missy). "I'm Glad" (J.Lo). "Dirrty" (Xtina with Redman). "I'm With You" (Avril Lavigne). The gay guys make a joke about Barbra Streisand winning. No. It's really Beyoncé. Mya pretends to be happy. The gay guys aggressively surround Beyoncé. Justin laughs. Justin is having way too much fun in this life. Something should go wrong for him. Beyoncé thanks Jay-Z. Enough with this whole "Are we dating?" thing. Tired of it. Who cares. Beyoncé leaves.

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