MONDO EXTRAS

The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Pamie: I like that Em changed for his presenting.
Stee: I wish he'd come out in Missy's tam o'shanter outfit. Eminem's going to do a skit!
Pamie: Wonderful.
Stee: They're laughing at a retarded puppet now.
Pamie: Was it funny when we were laughing at a retarded 50 Cent? I'm feeling kind of bad now. We're on Adam Carolla's level.
Stee: We apologize.
Pamie: Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
Stee: We didn't beat up the retarded 50 Cent.
Pamie: I would, however, beat up Adam Carolla.

50 Cent comes out. A "coin dropping" noise plays. Just one coin, for some reason. He comes out of a giant chalice. In a white suit, he does the "P.I.M.P." song. He's way too out of breath for just waving his hands around lethargically. He yells at the audience for being lazy. Then a big screen lifts up and Snoop is sitting in a throne. Thirty guys and ladies are there. G-Unit is there. 50 Cent walks through the audience. He takes twenty more bullets on the way back to the stage. Someone is dressed in full fur. He looks like a yak. It's all very confusing as to what exactly is going on. Some guy in green is dressed like a couch. P. Diddy gives props to 50. We still love Snoop. It's over. People clap. They'd better.

Stee: The music industry hates women. Officially. You know my favorite moment in women in music this year? In Christina Aguilera's video about women's rights, Lil' Kim comes out and strips for her verse.
Pamie: I think Jewel getting hosed by firemen might be better. Or Liz Phair getting naked. Everybody got naked this year.
Stee: I think you should take your shirt off for this recap.
Pamie: Snoop didn't bring his chained whores on stage with him. What is Gunit?
Stee: G-Unit.
Pamie: Oh! Ha. I thought all night it said "Gunit."
Stee: Was that Alfonso Ribeiro up there?
Pamie: I'm not going to look.
Stee: I like in rap, the second your album comes out you've got to break someone new. I think I'm gonna do that with my recaps.
Pamie: That is Alfonso Ribeiro.
Stee: I'm gonna start breaking other recappers.
Pamie: Who we gonna break tonight?
Stee: Djb.
Pamie: I'd like to give a shout-out to Djb. Next year I hope he's recapping theMTV Video Music Awards!

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards Pamie: Talkin' bout the Twin Peaks CLASSICS! Stee: Somethin' 'bout a Bachelor! Pamie: Ya' heard? He used to be West Coast and now he's East Coast! We should give away the Tubeys. And it should be really sloppy and drunken. And me and Alex Richmond will wear tiny little outfits. Stee: People who aren't even recapping are out there with us. Pamie: AB can be our 50 Cent. Stee: But less retarded. Rock talks about how it's the anniversary of Martin Luther King's "I have a dream..." speech. "Isn't it nice to see that his dream finally came true," Rock says. Ha. Commercials.
Pamie: Pimp culture...just keeps getting more and more popular instead of fading from popularity. Stee: Popularrre. Pamie: That's not funny anymore. Stee: Yes, it is. Pamie: I know.
Rock asks people if they're having fun. They're not. He introduces the "Gay Beatles," the Queer Eye guys. Oh. There's also Jimmy Fallon. The joke is that people think he's on the Queer Eye show too. Jimmy Fallon says he's not. They say he is and that he's gay. Finally he threatens to beat them up. Wow. Komedy. Best Female Video. "Crazy In Love" (Beyoncé with Jay-Z). "Work It" (Missy). "I'm Glad" (J.Lo). "Dirrty" (Xtina with Redman). "I'm With You" (Avril Lavigne). The gay guys make a joke about Barbra Streisand winning. No. It's really Beyoncé. Mya pretends to be happy. The gay guys aggressively surround Beyoncé. Justin laughs. Justin is having way too much fun in this life. Something should go wrong for him. Beyoncé thanks Jay-Z. Enough with this whole "Are we dating?" thing. Tired of it. Who cares. Beyoncé leaves.
Stee: I thought the Beatles were gay. Wait, that's the Monkees. Pamie: Remember when David Spade came out to present with Hanson four days ago? Stee: Jimmy Fallon's so fuhnee. Pamie: Oh, he's so fuh-nneee, that Jimmy Fallon. Stee: Why are you so sad? Pamie: That may be the only time I was not entertained by the Fab Five. Stee: Oh. Did they just Jump the Shark for you? Pamie: They shouldn't have to read scripts like that. Stee: Except all the other times they read scripts. That Beyoncé video is hot. Hot! Pamie: I think Missy's gonna win this one.

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