MONDO EXTRAS

The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Pamie: They shouldn't have to read scripts like that.
Stee: Except all the other times they read scripts. That Beyoncé video is hot. Hot!
Pamie: I think Missy's gonna win this one.
Stee: I kind of want to punch Avril Lavigne. Is that wrong?
Pamie: Not at all. Hey, Stee. Your girlfriend won.
Stee: I love her! I don't even like her, I just love her in this video. And I love this song.
Pamie: Oh, yeah?
Stee: When she falls on her knees and starts gyrating to this song? I know it's terrible for music, but it's hot.
Pamie: "I have to thank God, for letting me be thin."
Stee: "I have to thank my dad, for making me sing every day since I was six."
Pamie: "I'd like to thank pasta. I miss you. Carbs, call me!"

Crank Yankers again. Some old guy puppet. Adam Carolla puppet calls Good Charlotte "girls." Special Ed says he's going to kill Eminem. Tracy Morgan puppet says he used to fuck Beyoncé. He goes on to list all the stuff he does to girls -- all those urban myth things like "Donkey Punch" and "Blumpie" and "Dirty Sanchez." Classy. A monkey starts beating up Special Ed. Commercials.


Pamie: Who's winning? I couldn't even tell on those tiny little squares.
Stee: I think we're all losing.
Pamie: Oh, God. Crank Yankers is like a celebration of un-funny.
Stee: Un-Comedy Central.
Pamie: Mary J. Blige is looking like the lion from The Wiz.
Stee: Even Kelly Osbourne is wearing a shirt that says "Young, Ready and Willing."
Pamie: I know. Even Kelly Osbourne is willing to suck cock at any moment.
Stee: She'd just complain about it. "This cock is stupid, mum!"

Rock says something mean about Fred Durst before introducing him. He comes out and introduces Jack Black, whose birthday it is. He comes out to Michael Jackson's "Black or White" dressed like Michael. He holds an award and hugs Fred and then has to "Woohoo!" to get people to make the connection that he's making fun of when Michael thought he was winning the Artist of the Millennium award. It doesn't work. Jack Black thanks the crowd for the "Super Genius of the Universe Award." James Hetfield laughs. Jack Black thanks David Blaine and President Clinton. Nelly doesn't get it. Sean Paul doesn't get anything. The bit just dies a sad, quiet death as they get to the point where they're both trying to find an end, but they can't, so they just launch right into the nominees. The Olsen twins are still waiting for the end of the bit. Wait on, girls.

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards Stee: Fred Durst is so depressed. He lost a little weight. Pamie: Who -- Jack Black, or Fred Durst? Stee: Fred Durst. Jack Black didn't lose anything. Pamie: Dignity? Oh, my God. I'd like to point out that Jack Black is doing a parody of something last year, when Michael Jackson won that cake from Britney. Stee: I don't understand what you're saying. Pamie: Exactly. And nobody in this room is old enough to remember last year when this happened. Stee: Nobody has any idea what he's doing. Pamie: Why do I? I don't know. It'll only be funny if he says "David Blaine, your magic is real and I believe in you." Jack Black: David Blaine, your magic is real and I believe in you. Stee: Well, you were wrong. Pamie: I know. He said it verbatim and it wasn't funny. Stee: "Yes, and" Fred. He's a sketch comedy master. I hope he's on Whose Line some day. Pamie: It's funny when Fred Durst plays "Tribute" over and over again, too. It's Best Rock Video. "St. Anger" (Metallica). "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" (Good Charlotte). "Bring Me To Life" (Evanescence). "Somewhere I Belong" (Linkin Park). "Seven Nation Army" (The White Stripes). Oh, it's so sad that Rock and Roll is, like, at the end of the show now and no one likes it anymore. Oh well.
Pamie: What is this category? Best crap? Stee: Best bullshit. Pamie: God! What has happened to rock music? Stee: "WAKE ME UP INSIIIIDE!" Pamie: No wonder we have to listen to so much rap music. Stee: I know! Pamie: Ugh! Every song gets worse! Stee: Man, you know that Good Charlotte is shit if I actually like the sound of Linkin Park in comparison. Pamie: I actually can't even look at the White Stripes video. Stee: Brought to you by Advil. Pamie: It's like I'm falling. Stee: I get white stripes behind my eyes. Pamie: My retinas pulsate.
Linkin Park wins. Point taken. The screamy Chester and crew hug Fred Durst. Someone is still wearing trucker hat. Is that a joke? The video director gets up there. They show Good Charlotte all bummed out. Hee. Trucker Hat Guy tries to shut up the director. Chester yells a really loud tribute to Metallica. Ow.
Pamie: Well, I suppose out of all those nominees, Linkin Park was the best.

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