MONDO EXTRAS

The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Pamie: Well, I suppose out of all those nominees, Linkin Park was the best.
Stee: Isn't that sad? Chester Beddingtontonton! I think the Neptunes did the music for Linkin Park, too. They get 7% of every song sold this year.
Pamie: Now this "director" is in the band. Remember last year they were talking about letting him direct their videos?
Stee: Is that true?
Pamie: No, I'm lying.

Rock introduces DMX. He's outside with a dog. He introduces Mary J. Blige. She's dressed exactly like Vanilla Ice in his movie Cool As Ice -- in a purple leather biker suit. People come out onto the stage and dance. Method Man raps. 50 Cent too. He's busy. There are video screens with Mark J. Blige acting as her own backup dancers. Now Mary J. comes back out dressed in a new outfit. Wow. Two rappers and two costumes and six Mary J.s in one song. Even Cher is like, "Overkill." The song finally ends. She thanks 50 and Method. She should thanks us for sitting through that. And then she should apologize. Commercials.

Pamie: DMX! "Ugh!" "Woo!"
Stee: "Huh?" "What?!"
Pamie: "WOO!"
Stee: "WOO!"
Pamie: Where is he, outside?
Stee: I think he's in jail.
Pamie: Oh. Mary J. Blige.
Stee: I'm Mary J. Obliged to go to the bathroom right now.
Pamie: "Woo! I'm wearing something ugly for shizzy."
Stee: DMX's dog just started howling with her.
Pamie: That's a bad wig she's wearing. Wow. Now...who is this and how come he gets to rip of an A Tribe Called Quest song?
Stee: Method Man.
Pamie: 50, we just saw your ass.
Stee: There are only five people in this entire awards show.
Pamie: I was just about to say that maybe Mary J. Blige was the only one who didn't take a huge step backward for feminism, but then she just sang the words: "I cook and clean. I make you happy."
Stee: That was a fortune cookie I got once. She howled like 50 Cent just stepped on her foot.
Pamie: Oh, man. This show is long.
Stee: Her backup dancers are just TV screens.
Pamie: Of herself.
Stee: That's her?
Pamie: In different outfits.
Stee: Oh, man. Who is she? Where did she come from?
Pamie: She was in the Sting and Puffy song from years ago. She was sad about Biggie. That's when I first started hearing about her.

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards Stee: She had some problem? Pamie: She probably had some problems. Stee: That's what I heard. Pamie: Shh! No hateration in this dancery. Stee: Dancery? Pamie: Like a bakery. Stee: What's a crunk? Pamie: All right. From what I understand, crunk is some kind of slowed-down, fucked-up version of a song. My sister was trying to explain it to me. Remember she asked, "You know what rap is, right?" Like we were eighty-seven. Stee: Uh huh. Pamie: I think crunk has something to do with a remix. I could be completely wrong, though. I reserve the right to take it all back. ["I thought 'crunk' was a pretend swear word Conan O'Brien made up so that he could get away with saying it on TV." -- Wing Chun] Stee: But they probably also mean drunk, right? Pamie: Like fucked up? Stee: Fucked up. Pimping. Macking. Rapping. And Pepsi. Pamie: "Don't need no Prada placement in this Pepseri." Kelly Osbourne and Avril Lavigne and Duran Duran all come out. A handful of white people in the audience stand up. Kelly talks about great dance videos and how Duran Duran set the stage for cool rock videos but they never won a VMA. "That's not right, right!?" yells Kelly. Weird awkward patter follows as a montage of Duran Duran videos plays above them. But there is no sound. It's broken! Aw. The crowd sadly applauds and then Kelly makes the audience stand and gives Duran Duran the Lifetime Achievement Award. The band is mortified that the sound didn't work. The big comeback will forever be jinxed because of this moment and they know it. Simon tries to ignore it and gives a speech, in which he says they just played their first concert in New York and "it kicks ass" he says, meaning the city, we guess. The band is still laughing. One of the guys thinks they're being "Punk'd." No one laughs.
Stee: The reason why music sales are so terrible, it has nothing to do with downloading music. Pamie: No, it has everything to do with the crap we're offered. Stee: Right now we have Avril Lavigne, a seventeen-year-old androgynous girl; Kelly Osbourne, who covers Madonna songs; and Duran Duran. Back again. Pamie: Kelly Osbourne is turning into Margaret Cho. Stee: Except gay people hate Kelly Osbourne. Pamie: "If you add up me and Kelly's ages, we're still not the same age as Simon Le Bon!"

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