MONDO EXTRAS

The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Stee: But she was a crackhead, or something like that?
Pamie: I did not hear that.
Stee: She had some problem?
Pamie: She probably had some problems.
Stee: That's what I heard.
Pamie: Shh! No hateration in this dancery.
Stee: Dancery?
Pamie: Like a bakery.
Stee: What's a crunk?
Pamie: All right. From what I understand, crunk is some kind of slowed-down, fucked-up version of a song. My sister was trying to explain it to me. Remember she asked, "You know what rap is, right?" Like we were eighty-seven.
Stee: Uh huh.
Pamie: I think crunk has something to do with a remix. I could be completely wrong, though. I reserve the right to take it all back. ["I thought 'crunk' was a pretend swear word Conan O'Brien made up so that he could get away with saying it on TV." -- Wing Chun]
Stee: But they probably also mean drunk, right?
Pamie: Like fucked up?
Stee: Fucked up. Pimping. Macking. Rapping. And Pepsi.
Pamie: "Don't need no Prada placement in this Pepseri."

Kelly Osbourne and Avril Lavigne and Duran Duran all come out. A handful of white people in the audience stand up. Kelly talks about great dance videos and how Duran Duran set the stage for cool rock videos but they never won a VMA. "That's not right, right!?" yells Kelly. Weird awkward patter follows as a montage of Duran Duran videos plays above them. But there is no sound. It's broken! Aw. The crowd sadly applauds and then Kelly makes the audience stand and gives Duran Duran the Lifetime Achievement Award. The band is mortified that the sound didn't work. The big comeback will forever be jinxed because of this moment and they know it. Simon tries to ignore it and gives a speech, in which he says they just played their first concert in New York and "it kicks ass" he says, meaning the city, we guess. The band is still laughing. One of the guys thinks they're being "Punk'd." No one laughs.

Stee: The reason why music sales are so terrible, it has nothing to do with downloading music.
Pamie: No, it has everything to do with the crap we're offered.
Stee: Right now we have Avril Lavigne, a seventeen-year-old androgynous girl; Kelly Osbourne, who covers Madonna songs; and Duran Duran. Back again.

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards They announce Best Dance Video. "My Love Is Like...Wo" (Mya). "I'm Glad" (Jennifer Lopez). "Rock Your Body" (Justin Timberlake). "Get Busy" (Sean Paul). "Dirrty" (Xtina with Redman). The winner is Justin. He brings the Neptunes guys up there. Even the Chad guy, who never gets to be seen. Justin tells everyone to make noise for Duran Duran. Justin thanks his choreographer. "I can dance!" says Justin. Really. Someone needs to make him feel sadness one of these days. Just for a little while.
Pamie: There must be some kind of contest to do these nominee announcement blips. Stee: Okay, in terms of feminism, Mya is saying her sex is like wo. Her ass is like wo. Pamie: Uh huh. Jennifer Lopez did the Flashdance video, but with more ass than Jennifer Beals showed. Stee: Justin's a guy, sorta. Pamie: He's a guy, but his song is about fucking a girl. Stee: You know he looks a lot like George Michael? Pamie: That's why we love him. Sean Paul did the most offensive video of the year. Stee: Well, all he's saying is shake that thing, Miss Pama-Pama. Pamie: And then Christina Aguilera's vagina got nominated. Stee: Her vagina's got crunk. Pamie: Her vagina's like WHOA! Stee: Her vagina's like Whew! Pamie: The past seven songs the Neptunes have produced sound exactly the same. Stee: I like "Beautiful" because anybody can sing it. Pamie: Oh, "Chad." We had it totally wrong. Stee: Justin's such a dork. Pamie: He reminds me of Will Smith. Stee: Yeah, but a little less... Pamie: Desperate? Stee: Well-spoken. And desperate.
Crank Yankers phone bank again. Carolla puppet drinks and does 'Nam jokes. Old guy makes hooker jokes. Then he holds up his dirty bedpan. Tracy Morgan asks if he had corn last night. Another puppet projectile vomits all over. Wow. Commercials.
Pamie: Goddamn, these Crank Yankers! Stee: Um, this is...it's over. I'm turning this off right now. Pamie: We quit. Stee: I can't do it anymore. Pamie: If Crank Yankers is going to vomit on my television screen... Stee: ...and force us to watch dirty deadpans... Pamie: I am a published author! Stee: Poopy bedpans. And speaking of poopy bedpans... Pamie: Jack Black, ladies and gentlemen!

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