Pamie: Kelly Osbourne is turning into Margaret Cho.
Stee: Except gay people hate Kelly Osbourne.
Pamie: "If you add up me and Kelly's ages, we're still not the same age as Simon Le Bon!"
They announce Best Dance Video. "My Love Is Like...Wo" (Mya). "I'm Glad" (Jennifer Lopez). "Rock Your Body" (Justin Timberlake). "Get Busy" (Sean Paul). "Dirrty" (Xtina with Redman). The winner is Justin. He brings the Neptunes guys up there. Even the Chad guy, who never gets to be seen. Justin tells everyone to make noise for Duran Duran. Justin thanks his choreographer. "I can dance!" says Justin. Really. Someone needs to make him feel sadness one of these days. Just for a little while.
Pamie: There must be some kind of contest to do these nominee announcement blips.
Stee: Okay, in terms of feminism, Mya is saying her sex is like wo. Her ass is like wo.
Pamie: Uh huh. Jennifer Lopez did the Flashdance video, but with more ass than Jennifer Beals showed.
Stee: Justin's a guy, sorta.
Pamie: He's a guy, but his song is about fucking a girl.
Stee: You know he looks a lot like George Michael?
Pamie: That's why we love him. Sean Paul did the most offensive video of the year.
Stee: Well, all he's saying is shake that thing, Miss Pama-Pama.
Pamie: And then Christina Aguilera's vagina got nominated.
Stee: Her vagina's got crunk.
Pamie: Her vagina's like WHOA!
Stee: Her vagina's like Whew!
Pamie: The past seven songs the Neptunes have produced sound exactly the same.
Stee: I like "Beautiful" because anybody can sing it.
Pamie: Oh, "Chad." We had it totally wrong.
Stee: Justin's such a dork.
Pamie: He reminds me of Will Smith.
Stee: Yeah, but a little less...
Stee: Well-spoken. And desperate.
Crank Yankers phone bank again. Carolla puppet drinks and does 'Nam jokes. Old guy makes hooker jokes. Then he holds up his dirty bedpan. Tracy Morgan asks if he had corn last night. Another puppet projectile vomits all over. Wow. Commercials.
Pamie: Goddamn, these Crank Yankers!
Stee: Um, this is...it's over. I'm turning this off right now.
Pamie: We quit.
Stee: I can't do it anymore.
Pamie: Justin, we're bored. Stee: Can we go get some coffee, Justin? Pamie: We'll buy you some fries, and you two can have a beatbox contest. Stee: Oh, come on, these people. Pamie: It's just Coldplay, y'all. Deal with it. Keep your pants on. Stee: Get a fucking Radiohead album and then come talk to me. Pamie: "The greatest band in the world"? Stee: This is just U2 mixed with Radiohead. Pamie: When will he get the surgery to get his squinty eye? Stee: Very soon. This sucks. Pamie: Stee. Let's not get paid for the rest of this song and fast-forward through it. Stee: Sorry, Coldplay.Rock makes a "slit your wrist" joke. He intros Venus and Serena Williams. They really do look like Wayanses. They do terribly awkward patter. Their clothes are awful. Best Male Video. "Your Body is a Wonderland" (John Mayer). (Does he really say "I use my hands"? That's so dirty.) "In Da Club" (50 Cent). "Lose Yourself" (Eminem). "Cry Me a River" (Justin Timberlake). "Hurt" (Johnny Cash). The winner is Justin again. He stops and gives props to Eminem and 50 Cent who politely stand and clap. Even Justin looks embarrassed at this point. He calls it a "travesty." He says it's an honor to be with people he admires like 50 and Eminem (and even John Mayer). But he was raised on Johnny Cash and "in some cool way" he shares this award with Johnny Cash. He makes the crowd give him a round of applause.
Pamie: I think it's nice how every year Venus and Serena switch off who gets to be the ugly one. Stee: Serena kind of looks like 50 Cent. Pamie: That's cold. Stee: This might be the most disgusting recap we've ever done. Pamie: We're rising to the caliber of the shit offered this year. Stee: Your boy won. Pamie: Justin seems to have forgotten that Eminem used to talk shit about him. Oh, well. He loves everybody. Stee: Best Male Video Recall, 2003! Pamie: Don't tell Arnold that Justin wants a recount. Stee: Huh.