MONDO EXTRAS

The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Pamie: Kelly Osbourne's so pissed off that she picked the wrong Madonna song to cover this year.
Stee: And they cut away after half a second of Kelly.

And then another ho-bride comes out. The voice is dark and stanky and rough with American Spirits and Linda Perry's pubic hair. (And yes, that could be Pink or Jennifer Love Hewitt or any number of singers these days, but no.)

Stee: Is it Mya?
Pamie: Well, if there're whores in town...

It's Xtina! She melismas all over the place.

Stee: Who is that?
Pamie: That's Christina Aguilera?
Stee: That's Cher!
Pamie: Holy crap!
Stee: It's Cher, right?
Pamie: She looks more like Mary J. Blige!
Stee: You know, I kinda think the Queer Eye guys aren't really that gay.
Pamie: [giggles] Stee! You open the 2003 Video Music Awards with more controversy than a Britney and Christina....Duuuuhhh....What is this that we're watching, exactly?
Stee: Exactly.
Pamie: What would you call this?
Stee: Being dirty whores.
Pamie: I hope they're done.

Then the music stops and they show Eminem clapping politely. 50 Cent doesn't care. Then "Here Comes the Bride" plays as Madonna herself, dressed in a man suit, rises from the cake. The audience gives her a standing fucking ovation. Like she just got over an illness or something. Well, she did just do Swept Away. Guy Ritchie is smiling like a smitten puppy. Still? Still?!

Stee: Okay, during this recap I'm not going to pronounce my "ere"s. From now on they are now pronounced as "E-R-R."
Pamie: "Err." That's Madonna up therre.
Stee: Madonna. She's therrrrrre.
Pamie: Hey, um, didn't they say four people were going to be in this?
Stee: I'm full of ferrrre.
Pamie: What?
Stee: That's "fear."
Pamie: Madonna really wants us to like this "Hollywood" song that's so wretched.
Stee: They just CGIed a standing ovation for her.

Madonna starts about nine keys away from where she's supposed to be as she sings her crap song "Hollywood." She descends the cake as Mya dances in the crowd. Britney and Xtina dance around Madonna like strippers, and like they're not exactly sure yet that this is a good idea or even what they're supposed to be doing. Eminem is still clapping, politely. What a nice young man.

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards Stee: And they cut away after half a second of Kelly. And then another ho-bride comes out. The voice is dark and stanky and rough with American Spirits and Linda Perry's pubic hair. (And yes, that could be Pink or Jennifer Love Hewitt or any number of singers these days, but no.)
Stee: Is it Mya? Pamie: Well, if there're whores in town...
It's Xtina! She melismas all over the place.
Stee: Who is that? Pamie: That's Christina Aguilera? Stee: That's Cher! Pamie: Holy crap! Stee: It's Cher, right? Pamie: She looks more like Mary J. Blige! Stee: You know, I kinda think the Queer Eye guys aren't really that gay. Pamie: [giggles] Stee! You open the 2003 Video Music Awards with more controversy than a Britney and Christina....Duuuuhhh....What is this that we're watching, exactly? Stee: Exactly. Pamie: What would you call this? Stee: Being dirty whores. Pamie: I hope they're done.
Then the music stops and they show Eminem clapping politely. 50 Cent doesn't care. Then "Here Comes the Bride" plays as Madonna herself, dressed in a man suit, rises from the cake. The audience gives her a standing fucking ovation. Like she just got over an illness or something. Well, she did just do Swept Away. Guy Ritchie is smiling like a smitten puppy. Still? Still?!
Stee: Okay, during this recap I'm not going to pronounce my "ere"s. From now on they are now pronounced as "E-R-R." Pamie: "Err." That's Madonna up therre. Stee: Madonna. She's therrrrrre. Pamie: Hey, um, didn't they say four people were going to be in this? Stee: I'm full of ferrrre. Pamie: What? Stee: That's "fear." Pamie: Madonna really wants us to like this "Hollywood" song that's so wretched. Stee: They just CGIed a standing ovation for her.
Madonna starts about nine keys away from where she's supposed to be as she sings her crap song "Hollywood." She descends the cake as Mya dances in the crowd. Britney and Xtina dance around Madonna like strippers, and like they're not exactly sure yet that this is a good idea or even what they're supposed to be doing. Eminem is still clapping, politely. What a nice young man.
Stee: Isn't this a Courtney Love song from a few years ago?

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