Pamie: If Crank Yankers is going to vomit on my television screen...
Stee: ...and force us to watch dirty deadpans...
Pamie: I am a published author!
Stee: Poopy bedpans. And speaking of poopy bedpans...
Pamie: Jack Black, ladies and gentlemen!
Justin comes out again. Yes. That's what this world needs. More Justin Timberlake. Justin says he listens to this band every day, and then calls them "The Greatest Band in the World." It's Coldplay. Mr. Gwyneth plays his piano and sings. It would be great if Redman came out rapping and dancers and shit in the middle of even this song.
Pamie: Justin, we're bored.
Stee: Can we go get some coffee, Justin?
Pamie: We'll buy you some fries, and you two can have a beatbox contest.
Stee: Oh, come on, these people.
Pamie: It's just Coldplay, y'all. Deal with it. Keep your pants on.
Stee: Get a fucking Radiohead album and then come talk to me.
Pamie: "The greatest band in the world"?
Stee: This is just U2 mixed with Radiohead.
Pamie: When will he get the surgery to get his squinty eye?
Stee: Very soon. This sucks.
Pamie: Stee. Let's not get paid for the rest of this song and fast-forward through it.
Stee: Sorry, Coldplay.
Rock makes a "slit your wrist" joke. He intros Venus and Serena Williams. They really do look like Wayanses. They do terribly awkward patter. Their clothes are awful. Best Male Video. "Your Body is a Wonderland" (John Mayer). (Does he really say "I use my hands"? That's so dirty.) "In Da Club" (50 Cent). "Lose Yourself" (Eminem). "Cry Me a River" (Justin Timberlake). "Hurt" (Johnny Cash). The winner is Justin again. He stops and gives props to Eminem and 50 Cent who politely stand and clap. Even Justin looks embarrassed at this point. He calls it a "travesty." He says it's an honor to be with people he admires like 50 and Eminem (and even John Mayer). But he was raised on Johnny Cash and "in some cool way" he shares this award with Johnny Cash. He makes the crowd give him a round of applause.
Pamie: I think it's nice how every year Venus and Serena switch off who gets to be the ugly one.
Stee: Serena kind of looks like 50 Cent.
Pamie: That's cold.
Stee: This might be the most disgusting recap we've ever done.
Stee: In some cool way, it's kinda sad that these two can't get a ticket to get into the show.The girl gets the questions right. She's very happy. Nick and Jessica are getting a divorce very, very soon.
Pamie: Hey! This awards ceremony has been completely Shakira-free! Stee: Not anymore. Pamie: This commercial doesn't count. Does that mean Shakira is over? Stee: Shh! Don't say her name three times.Mya and Pamela Anderson come out. They each say the other is "like...wo." Titty jokes. Best New Artist In A Video. "Addicted" (Simple Plan). "In Da Club" (50 Cent). "Bring Me To Life" (Evanescence). "Swing Swing" (The All-American Rejects). "Miss Independent" (Kelly Clarkson). "Get Busy" (Sean Paul). The winners is 50 Cent. Why does Eminem always have a towel? He must be very sweaty. 50 Cent thanks the business people now. Obie Trice is the next Shady family person dropping an album, he helpfully reminds us. He thanks Dre's clique and he calls this a "special night" and leaves.
Pamie: Ugh. Stee: "I was in Chicago!" Pamie: This is the skankiest awards ceremony of all time. Stee: Is that the guy from Smallville, in the All-American Rejects? That little kid should not be at that Sean Paul house party. Pamie: No! Somebody's a bad parent. Stee: Sean Paul. Pamie: He's only a bad parent to seven of his kids. Stee: Do you think 50's tired of this song? Pamie: I am. Stee: Kelly Clarkson's gonna cry. Pamie: Aw. Stee: Aw, it's special night! It's a special night for 50.Chester Bennington and Pharrell. Pharrell dresses nicely. Chester is a total fucking dork. He lists the different types of music he likes. Pharrell thanks everyone for buying his new album. Pharrell is so rich. They introduce Beyoncé.