MONDO EXTRAS

The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Pamie: We're rising to the caliber of the shit offered this year.
Stee: Your boy won.
Pamie: Justin seems to have forgotten that Eminem used to talk shit about him. Oh, well. He loves everybody.
Stee: Best Male Video Recall, 2003!
Pamie: Don't tell Arnold that Justin wants a recount.
Stee: Huh.
Pamie: "In some cool way I would not like to share Johnny Cash's stomach illness tonight."
Stee: In some cool way I would not like to be recapping this anymore.
Pamie: In some cool way it's somehow cool that we're still recapping the VMAs.
Stee: Also in some cool way it's really pathetic.
Pamie: Yeah, in some cool way I kinda hate myself.

Nick and Jessica, cold and freezing standing outside, have to do their stupid shit again. What did they ever do to deserve this? Commercials.

Stee: In some cool way, it's kinda sad that these two can't get a ticket to get into the show.

The girl gets the questions right. She's very happy. Nick and Jessica are getting a divorce very, very soon.

Pamie: Hey! This awards ceremony has been completely Shakira-free!
Stee: Not anymore.
Pamie: This commercial doesn't count. Does that mean Shakira is over?
Stee: Shh! Don't say her name three times.

Mya and Pamela Anderson come out. They each say the other is "like...wo." Titty jokes. Best New Artist In A Video. "Addicted" (Simple Plan). "In Da Club" (50 Cent). "Bring Me To Life" (Evanescence). "Swing Swing" (The All-American Rejects). "Miss Independent" (Kelly Clarkson). "Get Busy" (Sean Paul). The winners is 50 Cent. Why does Eminem always have a towel? He must be very sweaty. 50 Cent thanks the business people now. Obie Trice is the next Shady family person dropping an album, he helpfully reminds us. He thanks Dre's clique and he calls this a "special night" and leaves.

Pamie: Ugh.
Stee: "I was in Chicago!"
Pamie: This is the skankiest awards ceremony of all time.
Stee: Is that the guy from Smallville, in the All-American Rejects? That little kid should not be at that Sean Paul house party.
Pamie: No! Somebody's a bad parent.
Stee: Sean Paul.
Pamie: He's only a bad parent to seven of his kids.

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards
Pamie: God, this is still on! When is it going to end? Stee: "It's almost over now." Pamie: "Almost over now!" Why did he say "Star Trek"? Stee: Chester's such a geek. Pamie: Everybody's buying that one hook Pharrell keeps making.
Beyoncé descends from the ceiling upside down. She's singing and "dancing" but she looks like she's in real peril. This is a new song she's previewing. She lies on a couch as all these men dressed in black skin-tight suits with faces hidden too surround her. Then she gets up and dances. She gives up lip-synching at some point. There are now about forty girls up there. Then the song stops and she launches into "Crazy In Love" with everyone Shakira-ing their hips. Wow. It's great how we can no longer even sit through one whole song. It's all medleys now. Then something very strange happens: the song stops for a second and guys come out and hand her a Pepsi. She poses with it. Girls in the audience scream. They love Pepsi, like, so much! Lord. Then the music continues and Jay-Z does his thing. Forty hot women and Jay-Z. Beauties and the Beast. Commercials.
Stee: Oh, no! Someone tied up Beyoncé! Again! Pamie: She's entering upside-down. They said it couldn't be done. Stee: Houdini tried it, but he failed. Pamie: It's how Houdini died. Stee: He was lip-synching "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy" and he failed. Pamie: Crazy dust people! Those things live under my bed. Stee: This is Beyoncé featuring Mummenchanz! Pamie: I don't like Beyoncé's hair like that. Stee: Like a lion's mane. Pamie: She's barely lip-synching. Stee: No, she's not. She's not even trying. Pamie: Seamless transition! Best choreography, right there. You don't think this song has too many words in it? Stee: No. Exact right number. I think it's good. Pamie: Tell me what she's saying. I've heard this song a million times and I don't know. Stee: "So crazy in love. Lookin' so crazy in love. Your love has got me lookin', lookin' so crazy in love." Pamie: Then what, Stee? Stee: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Pamie: Oh. Stee: She just held up a Pepsi. Pamie: Maybe Kelly will hold up a Jason mask. Stee: Beyoncé's wearing a fur. Pamie: PETA people around the world screaming in anger.

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