Pamie: Tell me what she's saying. I've heard this song a million times and I don't know.
Stee: "So crazy in love. Lookin' so crazy in love. Your love has got me lookin', lookin' so crazy in love."
Pamie: Then what, Stee?
Stee: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Stee: She just held up a Pepsi.
Pamie: Maybe Kelly will hold up a Jason mask.
Stee: Beyoncé's wearing a fur.
Pamie: PETA people around the world screaming in anger.
Stee: And musicologists.
Pamie: Beyoncé always looks so happy that Jay-Z is alive.
Stee: There's the move.
Pamie: She did it for you. And that jump she just did on those heels was not easy. She doesn't even have a microphone, but she can sing in an echo.
Stee: She's very talented!
Rock. He talks about Beyoncé's ass and then disses her hair. He's been told to stretch. Then he disses Kurt Loder and talks about CRIBS. 50 and Vivica laugh. Rock then intros Ben Stiller and Drew Barrymore by saying these next two are Hollywood royalty, "which means they're inbred and out of touch with the common man." Ha.
Pamie: Holy crap. This is long.
Stee: Beyoncé needs a nap.
Pamie: We said that two years ago.
Stee: She still needs a nap. Rock just said Kurt Loder is old.
Drew and Ben plug Duplex. Yeah. Ben Stiller does "Viewer's Choice" jokes. Makes no sense. Drew says they might win "Most Caucasian attempt at plugging your own movie." Yes. White is bad, people. Learn it. Love it. Put it on a Post-It over your computer monitor. "Damn bitch, that shit is cold," says Ben. Viewer's Choice Award. We know the artists by now, right? "In Da Club." "Miss Independent." "Cry Me a River." "Lose Yourself." "Crazy In Love." "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous." The winner. "Cruz Bustamante!" says Ben. Eh. Good Charlotte wins. They're very, very happy. Dicks. The lead singer says he shit his pants. Commercials.
Stee: Ben Stiller hates himself. Jerry Stiller hates Ben Stiller.
Pamie: How many times tonight has the booth said "Cut to Justin"? I'm so sick of 50 Cent!
Stee: It's the same five videos!
Stee: Ben made a recall joke.
Pamie: Good Charlotte? What? Y'all had to play outside in the pre-show! I guess it goes to show that if your fanbase is made up of unemployed children, they can make more phone calls.
Pamie: Um...Snoop language is still funny! "Everybody come see my new movizzle!" Stee: They've been doing this same izzle intro for so many years. Pamie: Missy totally has the best video of the year. Stee: Well, I think Johnny Cash was the best video. Pamie: This year's Soy Bomb. Stee: Soy Bomb! Snoop got love for Johnny Cash. I love that B.B. King hired some guy in a Travis Bickle shirt to go up there and talk about him. Pamie: I suppose the evening wouldn't have the same ending feel to it if Johnny Cash had won. A little inappropriate with the Mylar confetti and all. Stee: Macy Gray, y'all! Pamie: Who the hell is Tweet? Stee: "Larry!" She's just naming random people. "The jolly Green Giant!" Pamie: "Stu!" Stee: "But the next one's for me!" Aw, Dave got to get up there.Rock introduces Metallica. They start playing "Are You Going My Way?" Hm. Then they segue into "Smells Like Teen Spirit." They sound pretty tight. But this is weird. "Seven Nation Army" is next. Then "Beat It." Oh. That's it. They start changing guitars and shit, but Rock comes out and says "Goodnight." But then Metallica keeps playing. They launch into one of their new songs. Yeah. More medleys. This is the year of the medley. And of Pharrell. And asses. And rappers with golden chalices. And the last gasp of trucker hats. And making fun of white people. And Nick and Jessica being forced to stand outside. And mostly, pimps. That's the message of this year. Pimps and asses and chalices. Hollah!
Pamie: Stee, I think it's almost over. Stee: Oh, my God. That's the best part! Pamie: Metallica opened with Lenny Kravitz. He gets into every award show somehow. Stee: Well, he steals from everyone, so it's time someone stole back. Pamie: Remember when this last song of the night was supposed to be a big surprise, and everybody was waiting to see what the big closer would be? Axl would come on or Marilyn Manson's ass would be up there. Stee: People kept falling asleep before the big closer, so they moved it to the opener. Pamie: Well, now, how do you think Metallica learned all of these songs they had to play? Perhaps they had to download them? Stee: I'd rather see this than people lip-synching. Pamie: We're whiplashing around the twenty years in music. Stee: It's sad that they make their new bassist keep his hair over his eyes.