MONDO EXTRAS

The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards

Rock intros Adam Sandler and Snoop. The guy dressed as a couch comes out too. They do "Izzle" jokes. The amazing thing is that it's the best and tightest patter of the whole show. Best Video Of The Year. "Lose Yourself." "Work It." "In Da Club." "Cry Me a River." "Hurt." As they're about to announce, some dude runs up and grabs the mic. The amazing thing is how everyone lets him. He wears big Stevie Wonder glasses and a Travis Bickle shirt and starts talking about how none of this would be possible without B.B. King. What? Finally, Snoop has had it and takes the mic back as people escort the dude off. The Big Couch is still there standing in back. Snoop says he has love for Johnny Cash. He calls Johnny Cash his "nephew." We don't want to be argumentative, but we doubt that's possible, Snoop. Anyway. The Video of the Year is "Work It" by Missy. Good. The camera can't find her as she finally comes out from the back. Tons of people are with her. She introduces everyone. The little girl in the video comes out. Dave Meyers. Timbaland. Tweet. God. She introduces God. Wow. She has a lot of people on her payroll.

Pamie: Um...Snoop language is still funny! "Everybody come see my new movizzle!"
Stee: They've been doing this same izzle intro for so many years.
Pamie: Missy totally has the best video of the year.
Stee: Well, I think Johnny Cash was the best video.
Pamie: This year's Soy Bomb.
Stee: Soy Bomb! Snoop got love for Johnny Cash. I love that B.B. King hired some guy in a Travis Bickle shirt to go up there and talk about him.
Pamie: I suppose the evening wouldn't have the same ending feel to it if Johnny Cash had won. A little inappropriate with the Mylar confetti and all.
Stee: Macy Gray, y'all!
Pamie: Who the hell is Tweet?
Stee: "Larry!" She's just naming random people. "The jolly Green Giant!"
Pamie: "Stu!"
Stee: "But the next one's for me!" Aw, Dave got to get up there.

Rock introduces Metallica. They start playing "Are You Going My Way?" Hm. Then they segue into "Smells Like Teen Spirit." They sound pretty tight. But this is weird. "Seven Nation Army" is next. Then "Beat It." Oh. That's it. They start changing guitars and shit, but Rock comes out and says "Goodnight." But then Metallica keeps playing. They launch into one of their new songs. Yeah. More medleys. This is the year of the medley. And of Pharrell. And asses. And rappers with golden chalices. And the last gasp of trucker hats. And making fun of white people. And Nick and Jessica being forced to stand outside. And mostly, pimps. That's the message of this year. Pimps and asses and chalices. Hollah!

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The 2003 MTV Video Music Awards Pamie: They don't want us to see that he's twenty-five. Stee: That was it? Pamie: It's over? Wait a minute. Three songs was a tribute to twenty years of music? Stee: I'm exhausted. Pamie: To recap what just happened: Pam gave a weak, terrified look to Stee, who did not return the look but merely shook his head, solemnly. Stee: By the way, I'm having chest pains. Pamie: That is your soul dying. I had that happen to me two years ago when Shaggy sang "Angel" and then won an award for it. So, this year we didn't have a Sisqo, and we didn't have Courtney Love. Stee: What are you talking about? Pamie: It was pretty much a boring awards show. What was it that was missing? What made it so wonderfully retarded in the past? Like all the skanks were done pretty quickly in the beginning. Stee: Uh, there was good stuff, maybe, every once in a while. Pamie: What good stuff? Stee: Not enough Britney. Pamie: Closing with Metallica isn't a good idea. Stee: Chris Rock wasn't funny enough. Pamie: Nobody was drunk. Stee: Same five videos. Pamie: No fucked-up Pink or Jim Carrey. Stee: Everybody was their normal skanky selves. Pamie: Avril Lavigne didn't say enough stupid stuff. Stee: Fiona Apple didn't have a breakdown. Pamie: Wow. End with a whimper. Stee: Tough critic John Norris has just come in with the word for the evening: "Amazing." Pamie: They were predicting "amazing" from the red carpet, and it has indeed come true. Amazing. Vivica A. Fox looked amazing! Stee: The MTV Video Music Awards are like NBC doing an awards show for Best Show on NBC. Pamie: And the nominees are: Will & Grace, Friends, Just Shoot Me, ER, and Will & Grace again. Stee: No Macy Gray. Pamie: So much Pepsi, and not enough people being stupid. Everybody was so safe. Stee: This time I'm serious. If I'm recapping the 2004 awards, I should be shot with rubber bullets. I deserve a few bruises. Pamie: But we do this for you. Stee: Bye. Pamie: Bye. SPECIAL BONUS AFTER-PARTY SCOOP FROM NYCBOY: Holy Crap. It's 10 AM and I'm still drunk. THAT is a party. Where do I begin... The after-party was held at the Four Seasons restaurant. Incidentally, it has to be one of the most beautifully designed restaurants ever. At least that's what I overheard the Fab 5 from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy saying. It started with the red carpet. You had to go through Security and a group of people standing behind a barricade looking at you. Very French Revolution. When I was going through, Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro were having their picture taken. Okay, she's gorgeous. Like, really pretty. I was expecting...I don't know, like, just boobs and eye liner, but I was wrong. Very pretty. Dave has a habit of actually putting his hand in her actual butt crack when he's embracing her. I don't know if this is something he does when he's nervous or it's an OCD, but it's something that he does. Saw it three times.

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