Pamie: Stee, I think it's almost over.
Stee: Oh, my God. That's the best part!
Pamie: Metallica opened with Lenny Kravitz. He gets into every award show somehow.
Stee: Well, he steals from everyone, so it's time someone stole back.
Pamie: Remember when this last song of the night was supposed to be a big surprise, and everybody was waiting to see what the big closer would be? Axl would come on or Marilyn Manson's ass would be up there.
Stee: People kept falling asleep before the big closer, so they moved it to the opener.
Pamie: Well, now, how do you think Metallica learned all of these songs they had to play? Perhaps they had to download them?
Stee: I'd rather see this than people lip-synching.
Pamie: We're whiplashing around the twenty years in music.
Stee: It's sad that they make their new bassist keep his hair over his eyes.
Pamie: They don't want us to see that he's twenty-five.
Stee: That was it?
Pamie: It's over? Wait a minute. Three songs was a tribute to twenty years of music?
Stee: I'm exhausted.
Pamie: To recap what just happened: Pam gave a weak, terrified look to Stee, who did not return the look but merely shook his head, solemnly.
Stee: By the way, I'm having chest pains.
Pamie: That is your soul dying. I had that happen to me two years ago when Shaggy sang "Angel" and then won an award for it. So, this year we didn't have a Sisqo, and we didn't have Courtney Love.
Stee: What are you talking about?
Pamie: It was pretty much a boring awards show. What was it that was missing? What made it so wonderfully retarded in the past? Like all the skanks were done pretty quickly in the beginning.
Stee: Uh, there was good stuff, maybe, every once in a while.
Pamie: What good stuff?
Stee: Not enough Britney.
Pamie: Closing with Metallica isn't a good idea.
Stee: Chris Rock wasn't funny enough.
Pamie: Nobody was drunk.
Stee: Same five videos.
Pamie: No fucked-up Pink or Jim Carrey.
Stee: Everybody was their normal skanky selves.
Pamie: Avril Lavigne didn't say enough stupid stuff.
Stee: Fiona Apple didn't have a breakdown.
Pamie: Wow. End with a whimper.
Patrick MacMullan was snapping shots of people as they were walking down the carpet. You know you you're at a good party if that's the case. Or, you know that someone is going to take their clothes off at this party, which I guess can make a party good, so same thing. Inside was lots of Playstation and Chambord, the apparent sponsors of the event. Tons of booze and food. Fred Durst and Ben Stiller were chatting. They must have a ton in common. Everyone was a little too West Coast for a NYC party. Lots of tans and spiky hair. There was an amazing DJ. I've never heard anything as good from a DJ. Really. I feel like I need to say that. Also, someone had a cutting of '80s films and videos on flat screens on constant loop that was really awesome to watch. Of course, I don't thing the crowd could stop star-gazing long enough to do that. Kim Catrrall looks like she is eighteen years old. Stunning. Absolutely beautiful. And, she looks oddly demure, even as she's wearing the sexiest dress ever. Pam Anderson arrived with transsexual Amanda Lepore (so I was right about the people-taking-their-clothes-off part). Then, there was dancing. This is where things got really good. Zac Posen and I had what is referred to in '80s teen comedies as a "dance-off." It actually became tense. Britney Spears totally joined the fray, it was that good. Jennifer Esposito was everywhere. I swear to God I saw an Olsen twin adjust her underwear by just hiking up her dress and doing it. I swear that's what I saw. Matt Stone has a gorgeous girlfriend. Funny, 'cause I thought he was gay. I believe that Puff Daddy has a clothing line simply so he can dress his entourage in matching outfits. Kurt Loder is really very damn old. Seeing him was kinda significant, though. It's the guy who told me that Kurt Cobain died. It was cool seeing him. Paris Hilton was remarkably reserved. David Spade has highlights. Models are stupid. Nicole Kidman looks like an angel. And, sadly, there was no Madonna. If it all sounds kinda blurry, it may be due to the fact that I had about forty-five Chambord beverages. Quite a versatile beverage, that Chambord.