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The 2005-2006 Tubey Awards: Show Round-Ups

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The 2005-2006 Tubey Awards: Show Round-Ups

Cycle 6 showed a notable decline in beauty but not in hard-core bitchery as we were introduced to Jade, a contender for the greatest contestant in reality history, who worked her way into our hearts a little more every time she mangled the English language. There was also lots of dentistry performed on our final two candidates, with gap-toothed yet spunky southern belle Danielle edging out snaggletoothed Pennsylvania native Joanie for the title. See you next season, suckas! -- Potes

The Apprentice

After the no-holds-barred, deliciously tacky assaults on taste that characterized last season -- not to mention its polarizing finale -- fans could be forgiven for their disappointment, fading into disillusionment, ending in active disinterest, in a show that once captured the hearts, minds, and pants of every armchair broker and aspiring hedge-funder on the continent. It was a season not of memorable events or interesting memories, but of broken, embittered, and above all unique personalities.

To wit: there was Tarek to look at, in all his Orlando-y greasiness and charm; Andrea to hate, with her competence and hipster grinder-monkey fashions; Allie to feel concern for, with her conniptions and connection to the dark and murky depths of Hell itself; Roxanne to consider, and wonder when she'd break (which she didn't, although she did kind of suck); Lenny, to validate any unkind thought your WASPy mother-in-law ever voiced about "immigrants"; and a bunch of other people whom, like them or not -- and we kind of did – will stop mattering forever in the five seconds it'll take you to remember their names, faces, or identifying characteristics. In the final analysis, we can only say: Viva Los Angeles, and raise a fist or two in the hopes that Season Six will be at least twice as fucked-up, and in this way, we will see a return on our investment. -- Jacob

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart's Apprentice went from being the most anticipated reality show of 2005 to the most likely cure for rampant insomnia. What went wrong? Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but Martha just wasn't the bitch we were all hoping she'd be. Her on-screen manner was wooden, many of her lines were pathetically dubbed, and the forced tension between her and Alexis never really came to satisfactory fruition.

With tasks that ranged from whisking up a new Wishbone salad dressing to creating buzz for Tide-to-Go stain stick, we got a few moments of reality show glee with Hateful Jim's calculated, rubber-faced antics and Bethenny's remarkably life-like portrayal of The Corpse Bride, but in the end, Dawna won the prize. She disappeared in a puff of exhaust from her new Buick Lucerne and disappeared into the pages of Body + Soul magazine, never to be seen or heard from again.

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Mondo Extra
The 2005-2006 Tubey Awards: Show Round-Ups

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The 2005-2006 Tubey Awards: Show Round-Ups

Cycle 6 showed a notable decline in beauty but not in hard-core bitchery as we were introduced to Jade, a contender for the greatest contestant in reality history, who worked her way into our hearts a little more every time she mangled the English language. There was also lots of dentistry performed on our final two candidates, with gap-toothed yet spunky southern belle Danielle edging out snaggletoothed Pennsylvania native Joanie for the title. See you next season, suckas! -- Potes

The Apprentice

After the no-holds-barred, deliciously tacky assaults on taste that characterized last season -- not to mention its polarizing finale -- fans could be forgiven for their disappointment, fading into disillusionment, ending in active disinterest, in a show that once captured the hearts, minds, and pants of every armchair broker and aspiring hedge-funder on the continent. It was a season not of memorable events or interesting memories, but of broken, embittered, and above all unique personalities.

To wit: there was Tarek to look at, in all his Orlando-y greasiness and charm; Andrea to hate, with her competence and hipster grinder-monkey fashions; Allie to feel concern for, with her conniptions and connection to the dark and murky depths of Hell itself; Roxanne to consider, and wonder when she'd break (which she didn't, although she did kind of suck); Lenny, to validate any unkind thought your WASPy mother-in-law ever voiced about "immigrants"; and a bunch of other people whom, like them or not -- and we kind of did – will stop mattering forever in the five seconds it'll take you to remember their names, faces, or identifying characteristics. In the final analysis, we can only say: Viva Los Angeles, and raise a fist or two in the hopes that Season Six will be at least twice as fucked-up, and in this way, we will see a return on our investment. -- Jacob

The Apprentice: Martha Stewart
Martha Stewart's Apprentice went from being the most anticipated reality show of 2005 to the most likely cure for rampant insomnia. What went wrong? Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but Martha just wasn't the bitch we were all hoping she'd be. Her on-screen manner was wooden, many of her lines were pathetically dubbed, and the forced tension between her and Alexis never really came to satisfactory fruition.

With tasks that ranged from whisking up a new Wishbone salad dressing to creating buzz for Tide-to-Go stain stick, we got a few moments of reality show glee with Hateful Jim's calculated, rubber-faced antics and Bethenny's remarkably life-like portrayal of The Corpse Bride, but in the end, Dawna won the prize. She disappeared in a puff of exhaust from her new Buick Lucerne and disappeared into the pages of Body + Soul magazine, never to be seen or heard from again.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17Next

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