MONDO EXTRAS

The 70s, Part Two

by Manimal April 30, 2000
The 70s, Part Two

Several disco songs are shoehorned into the next scene, much in the same way I imagine processed pork parts are shoehorned into an Oscar Meyer sausage casing, as Eileen and "Harry" dance and Christie gyrates. Things slow down. Christie dances very lackadaisically in her cage. Some sleazoid walks up and hands her his card, and tells her to come by his studio, 'cuz she's gonna be in the movies, kiddo.

Christie runs home, shouting about "being discovered," only to discover Eileen and "Harry" in bed. Eileen grins kittenishly and says that she's finally figured out that "just sex" thing. Christie is astonished and makes little victory noises as she walks out. I don't know why. She's not the one getting laid.

Shots of Christie at her "audition." She poses seductively as the sleazoid films her. The sleazoid tells her she's doing great, then tells her to go into the back room, because he wants to see how talented she really is. Christie tears up and runs out of the room. The sleazoid yells some insults after her. Christie is angry and takes it out on her purse, beating it on a statue. She cries.

Stock footage of the seventies gas crisis and President Carter's speech. Fade up on Byron as he builds the Alaskan pipeline. A really great folk song plays, I think it's Cat Stevens. Byron is all rough-and-rugged, but looking at him is like watching a blurry pencil sketch someone did of Brad Pitt from a Tiger Beat photo. His beard is also fifteen shades darker than his bleach job, and it's distracting. Shots of Byron jogging, working the pipeline, blah dee blah, more jogging ecstatically through the Alaskan wilds, and then -- God help us -- jumping ecstatically into a big pond and slo-mos of him screaming. His voiceover reads a postcard to Eileen. Then Christie's voice reads a letter to Eileen about how great things are in Los Angeles.

Fade up on Atlas Theater, and a big leak in the roof. Dexter is approached by a businessman who wants to purchase the theater for "development." They offer Dexter a big wad of cash to stop being the last holdout. Dexter jumps at the cash.

Dexter goes insane with the cash and buys Jo-Jo a new bike and a rock for Yolanda so enormous I almost go blind. Jo-Jo gets to say "cold-blooded" and "superbad." Dexter surprises Yolanda with the ring, and for some reason, the camera films them in a 360 for about five minutes, and for once, my need to barf is not due to the piss-poor acting and atrocious script. Dexter says it's time for them to go. Yolanda wants to stay.

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The 70s, Part Two

by Manimal April 30, 2000
The 70s, Part Two Eileen's ad agency. Eileen, wearing her Sophia Loren for Women eyewear, watches in horror as her boss takes credit for her ad idea. She confronts him later. He promises her the next art-director job that comes along. Eileen is placated. "You Should Be Dancin'" by the Bee Gees plays. Christie, now a go-go girl, dances in her cage. Eileen wiggles up and tells Christie that they used her ad. Christie gets to say, "Dynamite," although, unfortunately, not the way Jimmy "J.J." Walker used to. Mr. Toupee, the guy that danced the Hustle with Eileen, oozes up and takes Eileen away. Apparently his name is Harry. How appropriate. Several disco songs are shoehorned into the next scene, much in the same way I imagine processed pork parts are shoehorned into an Oscar Meyer sausage casing, as Eileen and "Harry" dance and Christie gyrates. Things slow down. Christie dances very lackadaisically in her cage. Some sleazoid walks up and hands her his card, and tells her to come by his studio, 'cuz she's gonna be in the movies, kiddo. Christie runs home, shouting about "being discovered," only to discover Eileen and "Harry" in bed. Eileen grins kittenishly and says that she's finally figured out that "just sex" thing. Christie is astonished and makes little victory noises as she walks out. I don't know why. She's not the one getting laid. Shots of Christie at her "audition." She poses seductively as the sleazoid films her. The sleazoid tells her she's doing great, then tells her to go into the back room, because he wants to see how talented she really is. Christie tears up and runs out of the room. The sleazoid yells some insults after her. Christie is angry and takes it out on her purse, beating it on a statue. She cries. Stock footage of the seventies gas crisis and President Carter's speech. Fade up on Byron as he builds the Alaskan pipeline. A really great folk song plays, I think it's Cat Stevens. Byron is all rough-and-rugged, but looking at him is like watching a blurry pencil sketch someone did of Brad Pitt from a Tiger Beat photo. His beard is also fifteen shades darker than his bleach job, and it's distracting. Shots of Byron jogging, working the pipeline, blah dee blah, more jogging ecstatically through the Alaskan wilds, and then -- God help us -- jumping ecstatically into a big pond and slo-mos of him screaming. His voiceover reads a postcard to Eileen. Then Christie's voice reads a letter to Eileen about how great things are in Los Angeles.

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