We open on this extremely pathetic soundstage, not-so-festively draped with this really sad little "Welcome Back, Class of '93" banner. As the camera pans past the banner, we can see that the geniuses entrusted with throwing this little hour together have dressed this soundstage like the living room of Casa Walsh, except without budgeting for any flattering lighting whatsoever. Gabrielle Carteris, Ian Ziering, and Jason Priestley walk onto the set and try to look all awed and moved by the moment, but, as in the past, their acting skills sort of fail them, because they really just look like they're thinking about how to spend the appearance fee they scored for showing up for this sadly disappointing and totally shoddy waste of an hour. Why couldn't they have just done a reunion movie? Why? Why, God? WHY?
Anyway. As Shannen Doherty (also known as my crazy, wonky-eyed Republican girlfriend), Luke Perry, and Jennie Garth enter the soundstage, Gabrielle -- oh, screw it. I can't call them by their real names. Ever. I'm sorry, I just can't -- Andrea voice-overs that she's totally nervous about seeing the old gang. "Not in a bad way," she says, but because "we haven't been in this space, talking about this thing we did." What does that even mean? Whatever. Let's talk about Luke Perry, who looks like he just rolled out of bed, in this hellacious velour track suit, black t-shirt, and baseball cap. Thanks for dressing up, Dylan. You looked more put together when you got all strung out and then crashed your Porsche and ended up in that coma for, like, an episode so that you could hallucinate that whole bit with your dad that I guess really must have been totally subconscious and not at all literal because, you know, Jack really wasn't dead at all, as we all learned later.
Anyway. Brenda hugs Steve and voice-overs that they had "amazing moments, sad moments, horrific moments." Yes! I want to hear about the horrific moments! The cat fights! The affairs! The name-calling! The eye-scratching-out! Sadly, we get none of that here. Here, or in five minutes, or ever. This hour is one hundred percent dish-free. Dylan hugs Brenda with one arm, as he voice-overs that he "loves these people." Kelly and Brenda embrace as sterilely as possible and then dart away without even really looking at each other. That was seriously, like, the juiciest moment of this episode. Kelly hugs Steve as "Will You Remember Me?" (also known as: the most over-played, played-out song, like, ever) plays in the background. It soon -- although not soon enough -- fades into that familiar "Duh Nuh NUH NUH" theme song, as we get this really cheesy and overblown announcer guy explaining that the cast of Beverly Hills, 90210 has reassembled to "set the record straight" and talk about all the "intense controversy" the show engendered, and just so you know, none of that happens in this special. No record-setting, no controversy-explaining. Nothing.
We open with some clips from the pilot of, like, Brandon all looking forward to his first day of school at West Beverly, and reflecting on how he's all "psyched" to have new friends and whatnot. Well, that haircut isn't going to help you make friends, Brandon. Seriously, what's with the mullet? Anyway, back on Reflection Soundstage, Brenda acts all moderator-y and tells the group really, really cheerfully that she "had no expectations" when she signed onto the show. She wonders peppily if anyone else had any idea how big the show was going to get. She and Dylan and Kelly are sitting on the sofa, and Dylan is -- appropriately -- sitting right between them. The girls are scrunched as far away from each other as they can possibly get. It's amusing. Brandon just randomly starts chuckling, although he doesn't say anything specific. I think he may just be thanking God that the crazy car accident he was in didn't really mar his pretty, pretty face. Andrea chortles that when she saw the pilot, she thought it was a total train wreck and started looking for a hostessing job. "She had NO EXPECTATIONS," Brenda translates. Thanks, Brenda. Dylan sits next to her and just blinks, really, really slowly. Is Luke Perry stoned?