MONDO EXTRAS

I choose me

by Jessica May 16, 2003
The Beverly Hills 90210: The Reunion

"Remember the time we were playing tug of war and my boob came out?" Kelly asks back at Reflection Soundstage. Yes! This is what I tuned in for. Beach games and boobies! We cut to the clip of said Tug of War game, and yes, you can see Kelly neatly tuck her breast back into her bikini top, but it's not like we caught nip or anything. And that was the most salacious moment of this entire hour. I know. I know. It's horrifying. FOX has failed us. Again.

Suddenly, a title card appears on the screen from out of nowhere. It reads, "The Closest of Friends." And it's about how Brenda and Brandon were really hot for each other, and sometimes, their scenes seemed almost incestuous, and isn't that gross? But also funny? Isn't it? Don't you think? No. You're right. It's not really funny. Nor is it interesting. Or salacious. It's not like they were actually having sex. Now, that would be interesting. Let's decide that that was what this segment was about, and then tell everyone we know that Shannen Doherty and Jason Priestley were getting it on.

Dylan then takes this moment to talk about how they all had to grope each other in publicity photos all the time. Yes, Dylan. We all saw those publicity photos. We watched the show. We read the articles. We remember it all. Where is the inside scoop? Whither the shenanigans? Dylan then sort of starts talking about how he used to fondle Brenda while they were making out and how totally inappropriate it was. "We were a tactile cast," Brandon mutters.

The next segment is entitled "Best Dressed." It is a montage of...yes, outfits. Everyone sort of giggles at their ugly, ugly clothing. I'm just happy they decided to show the clip from the pilot where Kelly is wearing bright blue capri leggings under white and blue polka dotted bike shirts, with a cropped pink blazer and a purple mock turtleneck. And a white purse. We are also treated to shots of Dylan, first in parachute pants and then in an acid-washed denim duster, Brenda in a really hideous flower jumper, and Dead Scott in that cowboy hat he wore on the episode where he shot himself dead. Back at Reflection Soundstage, Brenda announces that the most "fashion-forward icon" in the cast would be Donna, and I guess that's true if, by "fashion-forward" you mean "incredibly badly dressed." On the other end of the sofa, Kelly looks vaguely horrified as we move into yet another really poorly done montage, not of Donna's outfits, but of several still publicity photographs of Tori Spelling. At the end, they halfheartedly throw in a shot of her in the red and black argyle hot pants she was wearing in that episode where she and Brenda and Kelly were stalking Boyz II Men and she discovered that Felice was cheating on Dr. Martin, and that was a truly awful if very memorable outfit, and then they show her in that big Scarlett O'Hara dress from the Spring Dance episode, but, like, that's it. Who put this together? Seriously. I can think of nine outfits that were more or equally awful right off the top of my head. Exhibit A: The mermaid Halloween costume. Exhibit B: The yellow tutu outfit she wore in France when she thought she was a model and Brenda was running around with Reek. Whomever put these packages together did a crap job, and clearly was pretty unfamiliar with the show. It's actually embarrassingly incomprehensive. I'm writing a letter to my FOX affiliate right now!

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I choose me

by Jessica May 16, 2003
The Beverly Hills 90210: The Reunion Back on Reflection Soundstage, Steve starts speaking with surprising eloquence -- you know, for Steve -- about how the show totally dealt with issues that were pertinent in societies all across the world, and he's speaking sort of thoughtfully, and Dylan totally interrupts. "We had HOT CHICKS," he slurs. "Right," Steve blinks. Brenda totally gives Dylan this disdainful "shut up, Dylan" eyebrow, but Dylan's still yapping about, like, chicks, and rubbing her leg and Kelly's arm, and Brenda tries to say something about how Steve was trying to be eloquent, but Dylan just keeps yammering. Somehow -- please don't ask how -- this segues into a montage of images from the episodes shot at the Beverly Hills Beach Club. I have no idea what this has to do with anything -- I guess there were lots of hot chicks at the beach club? Personally, I am horrified again for the first time by Steve's mullet. It's like I'm blind to everything else in the scene. "Remember the time we were playing tug of war and my boob came out?" Kelly asks back at Reflection Soundstage. Yes! This is what I tuned in for. Beach games and boobies! We cut to the clip of said Tug of War game, and yes, you can see Kelly neatly tuck her breast back into her bikini top, but it's not like we caught nip or anything. And that was the most salacious moment of this entire hour. I know. I know. It's horrifying. FOX has failed us. Again. Suddenly, a title card appears on the screen from out of nowhere. It reads, "The Closest of Friends." And it's about how Brenda and Brandon were really hot for each other, and sometimes, their scenes seemed almost incestuous, and isn't that gross? But also funny? Isn't it? Don't you think? No. You're right. It's not really funny. Nor is it interesting. Or salacious. It's not like they were actually having sex. Now, that would be interesting. Let's decide that that was what this segment was about, and then tell everyone we know that Shannen Doherty and Jason Priestley were getting it on. Dylan then takes this moment to talk about how they all had to grope each other in publicity photos all the time. Yes, Dylan. We all saw those publicity photos. We watched the show. We read the articles. We remember it all. Where is the inside scoop? Whither the shenanigans? Dylan then sort of starts talking about how he used to fondle Brenda while they were making out and how totally inappropriate it was. "We were a tactile cast," Brandon mutters. The next segment is entitled "Best Dressed." It is a montage of...yes, outfits. Everyone sort of giggles at their ugly, ugly clothing. I'm just happy they decided to show the clip from the pilot where Kelly is wearing bright blue capri leggings under white and blue polka dotted bike shirts, with a cropped pink blazer and a purple mock turtleneck. And a white purse. We are also treated to shots of Dylan, first in parachute pants and then in an acid-washed denim duster, Brenda in a really hideous flower jumper, and Dead Scott in that cowboy hat he wore on the episode where he shot himself dead. Back at Reflection Soundstage, Brenda announces that the most "fashion-forward icon" in the cast would be Donna, and I guess that's true if, by "fashion-forward" you mean "incredibly badly dressed." On the other end of the sofa, Kelly looks vaguely horrified as we move into yet another really poorly done montage, not of Donna's outfits, but of several still publicity photographs of Tori Spelling. At the end, they halfheartedly throw in a shot of her in the red and black argyle hot pants she was wearing in that episode where she and Brenda and Kelly were stalking Boyz II Men and she discovered that Felice was cheating on Dr. Martin, and that was a truly awful if very memorable outfit, and then they show her in that big Scarlett O'Hara dress from the Spring Dance episode, but, like, that's it. Who put this together? Seriously. I can think of nine outfits that were more or equally awful right off the top of my head. Exhibit A: The mermaid Halloween costume. Exhibit B: The yellow tutu outfit she wore in France when she thought she was a model and Brenda was running around with Reek. Whomever put these packages together did a crap job, and clearly was pretty unfamiliar with the show. It's actually embarrassingly incomprehensive. I'm writing a letter to my FOX affiliate right now!

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