Miss Alli: So I understand this Elvis person is someone famous.

Sars: I have heard that also.

Miss Alli: From the end of the previous movie, he appeared to be someone sweaty.

Sars: And puffy. Liiiiittle puffy there.

Miss Alli: Puffy and also puffing. Being an icon is aerobic.

Sars: Especially when you're an eighth-degree black belt like Elvis. (Hee.) ...Okay, let's give the readers a little background here: This fine film is called Speedway, and Elvis plays a stock car driver, which he seriously did like ten times in his movies. Also, it's going to be kind of bad, which ditto.

Miss Alli: You're unduly pessimistic. Maybe this is his art film.

Sars: I think that was Clambake.

Miss Alli: This is also the rare Elvis film without Ann-Margret. ...Rated PG! For hips! ...So here, we have Elvis pulling his skeevy manager off of his date, whom the manager was in the process of sexually assaulting. I miss these innocent days.

Sars: His hair is like a parody of itself here. It's like he told the hairdresser, "Make it more Elvis-y."

Miss Alli: Also, nice mustard-colored blazer. And not the earth-tone mustard, either. More like French's.

Sars: Nancy Sinatra and Bill Bixby costarring. Wow! And Richard Petty!

Miss Alli: And someone named "Poncie Ponce." I get a certain feeling about that guy.

Sars: And "Miss Beverly Hills," who I bet is a drag queen.

Miss Alli: God, I bet Richard Petty never got his soul back.

Sars: This is the kind of movie you wouldn't watch at the drive-in because you were making out. ...There is a song on the soundtrack called "Your Groovy Self."

Miss Alli: I know. It makes me feel kind of groovy about myself.

Sars: Nice jumpsuit, Presley. Go up a size next time.

Miss Alli: Elvis wore more jumpsuits than any man in the history of popular culture. This is kind of one, too, even though it's coveralls.

Miss Alli: Jinx! ...Nothing flatters a bad-ass like yellow shades.

Sars: And a jumpsuit. Okay, the first race is starting.

Miss Alli: ...This is the slowest race ever, so far.

Sars: The green screen is already exhausted.

Miss Alli: So is that beauty queen's waving arm.

Sars: This is really slow, you're right. I've seen fireman funerals move faster than this shit.

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Miss Alli: So I understand this Elvis person is someone famous.

Sars: I have heard that also.

Miss Alli: From the end of the previous movie, he appeared to be someone sweaty.

Sars: And puffy. Liiiiittle puffy there.

Miss Alli: Puffy and also puffing. Being an icon is aerobic.

Sars: Especially when you're an eighth-degree black belt like Elvis. (Hee.) ...Okay, let's give the readers a little background here: This fine film is called Speedway, and Elvis plays a stock car driver, which he seriously did like ten times in his movies. Also, it's going to be kind of bad, which ditto.

Miss Alli: You're unduly pessimistic. Maybe this is his art film.

Sars: I think that was Clambake.

Miss Alli: This is also the rare Elvis film without Ann-Margret. ...Rated PG! For hips! ...So here, we have Elvis pulling his skeevy manager off of his date, whom the manager was in the process of sexually assaulting. I miss these innocent days.

Sars: His hair is like a parody of itself here. It's like he told the hairdresser, "Make it more Elvis-y."

Miss Alli: Also, nice mustard-colored blazer. And not the earth-tone mustard, either. More like French's.

Sars: Nancy Sinatra and Bill Bixby costarring. Wow! And Richard Petty!

Miss Alli: And someone named "Poncie Ponce." I get a certain feeling about that guy.

Sars: And "Miss Beverly Hills," who I bet is a drag queen.

Miss Alli: God, I bet Richard Petty never got his soul back.

Sars: This is the kind of movie you wouldn't watch at the drive-in because you were making out. ...There is a song on the soundtrack called "Your Groovy Self."

Miss Alli: I know. It makes me feel kind of groovy about myself.

Sars: Nice jumpsuit, Presley. Go up a size next time.

Miss Alli: Elvis wore more jumpsuits than any man in the history of popular culture. This is kind of one, too, even though it's coveralls.

Miss Alli: Jinx! ...Nothing flatters a bad-ass like yellow shades.

Sars: And a jumpsuit. Okay, the first race is starting.

Miss Alli: ...This is the slowest race ever, so far.

Sars: The green screen is already exhausted.

Miss Alli: So is that beauty queen's waving arm.

Sars: This is really slow, you're right. I've seen fireman funerals move faster than this shit.

Miss Alli: Okay, now it's kind of as fast as the highway, maybe. I think Elvis filmed this entire thing in one room, with backdrops.

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