MONDO EXTRAS

The Scariest Two Hours Ever

by Pamie November 24, 2001
The Facts of Life Reunion

Okay. Go into this knowing that at all moments of this movie, there's silly music playing, overacting, and a horrible, sinking feeling that your brain cells are imploding with every passing minute. This film starts in misery and ends without a shred of hope. It makes you wonder why you spent so many hours of your life watching the girls from Eastland grow up. It gives you new respect for Molly Ringwald and Nancy McKeon. That alone is enough to make you slide down the shower wall shuddering, isn't it? That's what The Wonderful World of Disney does to you. It makes films that shatter your childhood memories.

Pamie: This is The Facts of Life Reunion movie!
Stee: What is it about?
Pamie: Well, you take the good, you take the bad. But mostly you focus on the bad.
Stee: Because they ran out of good.
Pamie: In 1982. Do you think Clooney will be on it?
Stee: I would guess...absolutely not.
Pamie: What about Mackenzie Astin.
Stee: I would guess...absolutely not. He just did Band of Brothers. He's big-time now.
Pamie: Maybe Sean Astin. And Rosemary Clooney.
Stee: If Jo isn't even going to be on it. Because...she has...better things to do?
Pamie: I heard Jo sends her daughter instead.
Stee: Is she also a lesbian?
Pamie: She prefers "tomboy," I believe.
Stee: One time, I was watching a play in New York and Conrad Bain was in it, and we were all making fun of Conrad Bain, and then Charlotte Rae turned around and glared at us.
Pamie: If you say Charlotte Rae's name three times, Conrad Bain shows up.

We open on The Love Boat, but without the "exciting" and "new" parts. The captain walks through the mamba-beating restaurant and announces to everyone in the restaurant that he has to tend to a personal matter. We don't know why everyone cares what the captain is doing with his dinner hour, but everyone in the room makes a noise like, "Sure! We don't care if anyone is steering this ship if you've got important business to do!" The captain then asks Mrs. Garrett to follow him. ["Until this very second, I thought Charlotte Rae was deceased." -- Wing Chun] We've always wondered -- exactly when and how was Mrs. Garrett a Mrs.? Mrs. Garrett is dressed in her cruise-ship finest: a blue sarong/sari deal that exposes too much Charlotte Rae neck. The captain sits down next to Mrs. Garrett and tells her that the past ten days have changed his life. He holds her hands and talks about how wonderful she is. Doesn't this always happen to Mrs. Garrett? Some old guy falls madly in love with her for reasons we don't see, and she turns him down? The captain slowly asks Mrs. Garrett a question that sounds like he's going to propose so that Mrs. Garrett's head can wobble around and she can stare out at nothing and emote for us, but then he just asks her to go on another cruise with him so that he can have as much fun. Mrs. Garrett would love to go on another cruise. "Oh," she warbles. "I'm vibrating." "Me, too," the captain moans, and Mrs. Garrett explains that it's actually her Palm Pilot that's vibrating. Mrs. Garrett's Palm is also a two-way pager or something, because she needs to check some email from her son Raymond on her Palm. "You're an amazing woman, Edna Garrett," the captain says, a line that's been repeated thousands of times over the history of this show. Mrs. Garrett must be a monster in the bedroom.

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Comments

The Scariest Two Hours Ever

by Pamie November 24, 2001
The Facts of Life Reunion Okay. Go into this knowing that at all moments of this movie, there's silly music playing, overacting, and a horrible, sinking feeling that your brain cells are imploding with every passing minute. This film starts in misery and ends without a shred of hope. It makes you wonder why you spent so many hours of your life watching the girls from Eastland grow up. It gives you new respect for Molly Ringwald and Nancy McKeon. That alone is enough to make you slide down the shower wall shuddering, isn't it? That's what The Wonderful World of Disney does to you. It makes films that shatter your childhood memories.
Pamie: This is The Facts of Life Reunion movie! Stee: What is it about? Pamie: Well, you take the good, you take the bad. But mostly you focus on the bad. Stee: Because they ran out of good. Pamie: In 1982. Do you think Clooney will be on it? Stee: I would guess...absolutely not. Pamie: What about Mackenzie Astin. Stee: I would guess...absolutely not. He just did Band of Brothers. He's big-time now. Pamie: Maybe Sean Astin. And Rosemary Clooney. Stee: If Jo isn't even going to be on it. Because...she has...better things to do? Pamie: I heard Jo sends her daughter instead. Stee: Is she also a lesbian? Pamie: She prefers "tomboy," I believe. Stee: One time, I was watching a play in New York and Conrad Bain was in it, and we were all making fun of Conrad Bain, and then Charlotte Rae turned around and glared at us. Pamie: If you say Charlotte Rae's name three times, Conrad Bain shows up.
We open on The Love Boat, but without the "exciting" and "new" parts. The captain walks through the mamba-beating restaurant and announces to everyone in the restaurant that he has to tend to a personal matter. We don't know why everyone cares what the captain is doing with his dinner hour, but everyone in the room makes a noise like, "Sure! We don't care if anyone is steering this ship if you've got important business to do!" The captain then asks Mrs. Garrett to follow him. ["Until this very second, I thought Charlotte Rae was deceased." -- Wing Chun] We've always wondered -- exactly when and how was Mrs. Garrett a Mrs.? Mrs. Garrett is dressed in her cruise-ship finest: a blue sarong/sari deal that exposes too much Charlotte Rae neck. The captain sits down next to Mrs. Garrett and tells her that the past ten days have changed his life. He holds her hands and talks about how wonderful she is. Doesn't this always happen to Mrs. Garrett? Some old guy falls madly in love with her for reasons we don't see, and she turns him down? The captain slowly asks Mrs. Garrett a question that sounds like he's going to propose so that Mrs. Garrett's head can wobble around and she can stare out at nothing and emote for us, but then he just asks her to go on another cruise with him so that he can have as much fun. Mrs. Garrett would love to go on another cruise. "Oh," she warbles. "I'm vibrating." "Me, too," the captain moans, and Mrs. Garrett explains that it's actually her Palm Pilot that's vibrating. Mrs. Garrett's Palm is also a two-way pager or something, because she needs to check some email from her son Raymond on her Palm. "You're an amazing woman, Edna Garrett," the captain says, a line that's been repeated thousands of times over the history of this show. Mrs. Garrett must be a monster in the bedroom.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29Next

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