MONDO EXTRAS

Fish and Tits

by admin June 6, 2002
The Hamptons, Part I

The Hamptons, darling. Parties, you know. VIPs. Ooh, and sweetie, here are the opening credits! Beaches, darling. Yachts and so forth. Polo. Oh, and here's that Alan Cumming person being a bit gay and all that. Yes, they're sometimes gay in the Hamptons, don't you know. But then again, darling, you probably are, too, if you're watching, am I right? Give me a kiss. Then the show starts, darling, and there's this voice-over, this man, you know, talking so eloquently about the lovely small towns, and the air, and the light that Pollock painted, when he wasn't you know, vomiting on things; yes, there's sometimes vomiting in the Hamptons, but you're watching for that too, yes? Some fabulous vomiting? Anyway, dear, the man doing all this talking about the loveliness of the Hamptons is Alec Baldwin. Yes! Because sometimes, you know, in the Hamptons, a man will be talking, and he'll be just amazingly famous.

Ooh! And who's this talking now? Hmm, some other man, talking about his fishing boat, and growing up working on the ocean just like his father and his father's father, for three hundred years they've been fishing, isn't that charming, and now here's some fish that he's caught. Fabulous fish! Who is this man again? Oh, and here's some more fish! And here's someone else, talking about...uh...fish. Um, who are these people? These fishy people? They're nobody, right? Ah, yes. Those sorts are in the Hamptons, too.

I really should stop talking like Carrie Donovan. It's getting old, isn't it, darling? But I'm still just mad about Old Navy track pants.

Cut to a New York City bar, where non-fabulous non-celebrities Cliff and Kira Friedman are talking to various twentysomething acquaintances about their sharehouse. Kira shows off photos: "There's thirty people per weekend," she says. Do I even know thirty people I could stand for a weekend? Do you? Jesus. Twentysomethings mingle and excitedly discuss hot tubs. There's a Temptation Island kind of vibe in the air, except without the sleazy stuff, which makes it actually slightly pathetic. "The girls in our house are looking for boyfriends," says Kira in voice-over. "They're looking for Prince Charming." The camera focuses on one toothy chick with bangs like a show pony; she's clearly perfected that pick-a-face- across-the-room- and-say-hiiiii! look. "Hiiii!" she says to one guy. "I'm Jacqueline!" she says to another. Jacqueline is interviewed in her office, and because she's a lawyer, she's sitting in front of one of those bookcases with all the legal books, like in those personal-injury lawyer commercials, except she is not sleazy, no no no: she's a matrimonial lawyer, and she's looking for Mr. Right. "I have a plan," she says. More footage of her introducing herself: "I don't think we've met -- I'm Jacqueline!" Showing yet another guy a photo album of the sharehouse: "Here's me in a bikini!" In the interview, she says, "I will need to be engaged by twenty-nine, because I will not be not married by thirty. Because I need to have my kids at thirty-two, and then start my own practice -- I have a whole life plan!" I'm Jacqueline! giggles. "And it all starts with this summer," she concludes. And here I thought Paris Hilton would make me puke.

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Fish and Tits

by admin June 6, 2002
The Hamptons, Part I The Hamptons, darling. Parties, you know. VIPs. Ooh, and sweetie, here are the opening credits! Beaches, darling. Yachts and so forth. Polo. Oh, and here's that Alan Cumming person being a bit gay and all that. Yes, they're sometimes gay in the Hamptons, don't you know. But then again, darling, you probably are, too, if you're watching, am I right? Give me a kiss. Then the show starts, darling, and there's this voice-over, this man, you know, talking so eloquently about the lovely small towns, and the air, and the light that Pollock painted, when he wasn't you know, vomiting on things; yes, there's sometimes vomiting in the Hamptons, but you're watching for that too, yes? Some fabulous vomiting? Anyway, dear, the man doing all this talking about the loveliness of the Hamptons is Alec Baldwin. Yes! Because sometimes, you know, in the Hamptons, a man will be talking, and he'll be just amazingly famous. Ooh! And who's this talking now? Hmm, some other man, talking about his fishing boat, and growing up working on the ocean just like his father and his father's father, for three hundred years they've been fishing, isn't that charming, and now here's some fish that he's caught. Fabulous fish! Who is this man again? Oh, and here's some more fish! And here's someone else, talking about...uh...fish. Um, who are these people? These fishy people? They're nobody, right? Ah, yes. Those sorts are in the Hamptons, too. I really should stop talking like Carrie Donovan. It's getting old, isn't it, darling? But I'm still just mad about Old Navy track pants. Cut to a New York City bar, where non-fabulous non-celebrities Cliff and Kira Friedman are talking to various twentysomething acquaintances about their sharehouse. Kira shows off photos: "There's thirty people per weekend," she says. Do I even know thirty people I could stand for a weekend? Do you? Jesus. Twentysomethings mingle and excitedly discuss hot tubs. There's a Temptation Island kind of vibe in the air, except without the sleazy stuff, which makes it actually slightly pathetic. "The girls in our house are looking for boyfriends," says Kira in voice-over. "They're looking for Prince Charming." The camera focuses on one toothy chick with bangs like a show pony; she's clearly perfected that pick-a-face- across-the-room- and-say-hiiiii! look. "Hiiii!" she says to one guy. "I'm Jacqueline!" she says to another. Jacqueline is interviewed in her office, and because she's a lawyer, she's sitting in front of one of those bookcases with all the legal books, like in those personal-injury lawyer commercials, except she is not sleazy, no no no: she's a matrimonial lawyer, and she's looking for Mr. Right. "I have a plan," she says. More footage of her introducing herself: "I don't think we've met -- I'm Jacqueline!" Showing yet another guy a photo album of the sharehouse: "Here's me in a bikini!" In the interview, she says, "I will need to be engaged by twenty-nine, because I will not be not married by thirty. Because I need to have my kids at thirty-two, and then start my own practice -- I have a whole life plan!" I'm Jacqueline! giggles. "And it all starts with this summer," she concludes. And here I thought Paris Hilton would make me puke.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9Next

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