MONDO EXTRAS

Fish and Tits

by Wendola June 6, 2002
The Hamptons, Part I

Brief interview with Billy Joel, who has lived year-round in the Hamptons for fifteen years, in his glass house or whatever. "Everyone complains about the summer, and the summer people, but everyone looks forward to it," he says. "It's something different." Lifeguards do rescue drills; handymen get handy; sweepers sweep; ducks practice swimming on the pretty ponds. Cars line the highway. Some gas-station attendant lady talks about how uptight the summer people are. She's pumped gas for Jackie Onassis and Andrew Dice Clay.

At the offices of Hamptons magazine, the publisher guy, Jason Binn, is trying to get famous people to come to his party. He calls Donald Trump's office; he tells his assistant to call Spike Lee. "You're on the VIP list," another assistant tells someone on the phone. "You're on the VVIP list." Remember, people, that extra V is for "vomiting." Binn talks about the magazine. "What we sell here is a lifestyle that's aspirational...it's something that people either are a part of, or want to be a part of." We get it, already.

Meanwhile, some woman who is not famous nor aspiring to be famous owns a farm in the Hamptons. Whatever.

Back in New York City, Angela -- one of the twentysomethings from the earlier scene -- is interviewed. "It's amazing how, in a city of eight million people, you can feel lonely," she says. She lives in a tiny apartment and comes from a rural family. She goes to Penn Station all by her lonely self. Aw, we like her. With her cute blandness, she might neutralize the stomach acid caused by I'm Jacqueline! Except then we meet "Josh Sagman, Entrepreneur" riding in an SUV and braying into his cell phone. "Jack! What's up kiiiid?! I'm chillin', man! I'm headin' to the Hamptons...maybe do a little partying." His big puffy face fills the screen as he and his friends brag that they work hard all week and deserve to party. Elsewhere, Angela the Anti-Jacqueline Alka-Seltzer huddles on the floor of the train and confesses in a voice-over that she's not a huge partier. Back in the SUV, Josh snickers, so swollen with male entitlement that he doesn't even need a fucking airbag.

Alka-Seltzer drags her luggage to the door of the Friedmans' sharehouse. ToolJosh arrives at his sharehouse and shrieks, "Whazzup felllaaaassss?!" He boogies through the living room. Briefly one gets the horrible feeling that maybe Alka-Seltzer has somehow wound up at ToolJosh's sharehouse, but blessedly this is not the case. Although she does have to share a bedroom with five other people, and the guys there think Oregon -- where she's from -- is in the Midwest. Alka-Seltzer wonders aloud what she's gotten herself into. Over at ToolJosh's sharehouse, there's lots of high-fiving, shots, stupid keg tricks, and dragging fully clothed girls into hot tubs. Later that night, ToolJosh wears a truly idiotic bandanna in his hair and stands around with his guy friends saying he plans to "definitely hook up with some beautiful women!" Another guy says, "I'm looking for something that's gonna last...thirty seconds," being, perhaps, more honest than he even realizes. The guys laugh creepy, barking laughs and shout over each other. Welcome to ToolJosh's sharehouse: five bedrooms, sixteen closet cases.

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Fish and Tits

by Wendola June 6, 2002
The Hamptons, Part I Brief interview with Billy Joel, who has lived year-round in the Hamptons for fifteen years, in his glass house or whatever. "Everyone complains about the summer, and the summer people, but everyone looks forward to it," he says. "It's something different." Lifeguards do rescue drills; handymen get handy; sweepers sweep; ducks practice swimming on the pretty ponds. Cars line the highway. Some gas-station attendant lady talks about how uptight the summer people are. She's pumped gas for Jackie Onassis and Andrew Dice Clay. At the offices of Hamptons magazine, the publisher guy, Jason Binn, is trying to get famous people to come to his party. He calls Donald Trump's office; he tells his assistant to call Spike Lee. "You're on the VIP list," another assistant tells someone on the phone. "You're on the VVIP list." Remember, people, that extra V is for "vomiting." Binn talks about the magazine. "What we sell here is a lifestyle that's aspirational...it's something that people either are a part of, or want to be a part of." We get it, already. Meanwhile, some woman who is not famous nor aspiring to be famous owns a farm in the Hamptons. Whatever. Back in New York City, Angela -- one of the twentysomethings from the earlier scene -- is interviewed. "It's amazing how, in a city of eight million people, you can feel lonely," she says. She lives in a tiny apartment and comes from a rural family. She goes to Penn Station all by her lonely self. Aw, we like her. With her cute blandness, she might neutralize the stomach acid caused by I'm Jacqueline! Except then we meet "Josh Sagman, Entrepreneur" riding in an SUV and braying into his cell phone. "Jack! What's up kiiiid?! I'm chillin', man! I'm headin' to the Hamptons...maybe do a little partying." His big puffy face fills the screen as he and his friends brag that they work hard all week and deserve to party. Elsewhere, Angela the Anti-Jacqueline Alka-Seltzer huddles on the floor of the train and confesses in a voice-over that she's not a huge partier. Back in the SUV, Josh snickers, so swollen with male entitlement that he doesn't even need a fucking airbag. Alka-Seltzer drags her luggage to the door of the Friedmans' sharehouse. ToolJosh arrives at his sharehouse and shrieks, "Whazzup felllaaaassss?!" He boogies through the living room. Briefly one gets the horrible feeling that maybe Alka-Seltzer has somehow wound up at ToolJosh's sharehouse, but blessedly this is not the case. Although she does have to share a bedroom with five other people, and the guys there think Oregon -- where she's from -- is in the Midwest. Alka-Seltzer wonders aloud what she's gotten herself into. Over at ToolJosh's sharehouse, there's lots of high-fiving, shots, stupid keg tricks, and dragging fully clothed girls into hot tubs. Later that night, ToolJosh wears a truly idiotic bandanna in his hair and stands around with his guy friends saying he plans to "definitely hook up with some beautiful women!" Another guy says, "I'm looking for something that's gonna last...thirty seconds," being, perhaps, more honest than he even realizes. The guys laugh creepy, barking laughs and shout over each other. Welcome to ToolJosh's sharehouse: five bedrooms, sixteen closet cases.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9Next

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