MONDO EXTRAS

Fish and Tits

by Wendola June 6, 2002
The Hamptons, Part I

Music exec Russell Simmons talks about moving to the Hamptons, and how one of his neighbors had some preconceived ideas about him because Russell Simmons is black. He plays basketball with some of his friends, and then they all sit around and talk about how much they suck because they've gotten to be big music industry people and have lost their ghetto flava. Then Simmons says, "You got footage now. You got some black people in the Hamptons, right?" Finally, a segment where we know what the point is.

Puff Daddy -- when he was still known as such -- plays a benefit softball game with Jay-Z and Aaliyah and Tara Reid. Lizzie Grubman organized the event. In an interview, she talks about her publicity events and how busy she is working every weekend. "Summer's the hardest part of my life," she says. She has no idea.

At the Conscience Point nightclub, tons of people are waiting outside. They have no idea. Heh. One of the bouncers talks about how everyone there tries to pretend they're his best friend. Fade out. It's an hour and fifty-one minutes into the show, and for the first time, I'm ashamed to say, I'm excited. It's the Day After. Lizzie Grubman's SUV is shown being carted off on a flatbed tow truck. The bouncer speaks in an interview: "On the walkie-talkie, I was called by one of the security guys...I see the black Mercedes, which is Lizzie Grubman's, and all of a sudden you hear this gravel being stirred up, and you look up and see this car coming backwards, and it's making a beeline for the entrance. You can't get there fast enough...the words can't come out of your mouth fast enough to tell people to move, and I watch as these people are hit...there are people unconscious, people lying all over the place, strewn about...there were broken limbs, you could see arms, and legs, and just a lot of blood. It was really quiet for like the first ten seconds afterwards, and all of a sudden people realized what had happened, and they just started screaming."

Back at the Friedman sharehouse, the twentysomethings talk about Where They Were When It Happened. "I came back here and I had no idea and there was, like silence in this house," says I'm Jacqueline! "I was on line," says the guy sitting next to her, "like, right when she went through the line." Everyone shakes their heads. Where was Barbara Kopple? Probably off filming fish somewhere.

At a fancy Fourth of July party, Steven Gaines is talking to some lady about the Grubman incident. "I want to make sure that we understand what happened," says the lady. "That parking lot is so darkly lit...maybe she was coming around a corner...." Backwards? "...and a whole crowd was running out, which happens -- that is that type of crowd that goes there." That flinging-themselves-under-SUVs type of crowd. Maybe they ran toward the SUV so fast that the Earth started rotating in a different direction, propelling the SUV backward from around the corner it was trying to get around or else had already gone around, and maybe also it was so dark that Lizzie Grubman didn't realize that she was actually driving on a huge conveyor belt moving her backwards; or maybe I'm Jacqueline! was there and she had some sort of tractor beam apparatus on under her dress to drag entire Mercedeses full of Mr. Rights straight to her loins, and it was accidentally pointed in Lizzie Grubman's direction; or maybe all the fish in the Hamptons were so sick of being filmed for this documentary that they swam en masse towards Cape Cod and in doing so caused tidal disturbances that resulted in Tectonic shifts right below Lizzie Grubman's SUV. Let's not rule anything out here.

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Fish and Tits

by Wendola June 6, 2002
The Hamptons, Part I Music exec Russell Simmons talks about moving to the Hamptons, and how one of his neighbors had some preconceived ideas about him because Russell Simmons is black. He plays basketball with some of his friends, and then they all sit around and talk about how much they suck because they've gotten to be big music industry people and have lost their ghetto flava. Then Simmons says, "You got footage now. You got some black people in the Hamptons, right?" Finally, a segment where we know what the point is. Puff Daddy -- when he was still known as such -- plays a benefit softball game with Jay-Z and Aaliyah and Tara Reid. Lizzie Grubman organized the event. In an interview, she talks about her publicity events and how busy she is working every weekend. "Summer's the hardest part of my life," she says. She has no idea. At the Conscience Point nightclub, tons of people are waiting outside. They have no idea. Heh. One of the bouncers talks about how everyone there tries to pretend they're his best friend. Fade out. It's an hour and fifty-one minutes into the show, and for the first time, I'm ashamed to say, I'm excited. It's the Day After. Lizzie Grubman's SUV is shown being carted off on a flatbed tow truck. The bouncer speaks in an interview: "On the walkie-talkie, I was called by one of the security guys...I see the black Mercedes, which is Lizzie Grubman's, and all of a sudden you hear this gravel being stirred up, and you look up and see this car coming backwards, and it's making a beeline for the entrance. You can't get there fast enough...the words can't come out of your mouth fast enough to tell people to move, and I watch as these people are hit...there are people unconscious, people lying all over the place, strewn about...there were broken limbs, you could see arms, and legs, and just a lot of blood. It was really quiet for like the first ten seconds afterwards, and all of a sudden people realized what had happened, and they just started screaming." Back at the Friedman sharehouse, the twentysomethings talk about Where They Were When It Happened. "I came back here and I had no idea and there was, like silence in this house," says I'm Jacqueline! "I was on line," says the guy sitting next to her, "like, right when she went through the line." Everyone shakes their heads. Where was Barbara Kopple? Probably off filming fish somewhere. At a fancy Fourth of July party, Steven Gaines is talking to some lady about the Grubman incident. "I want to make sure that we understand what happened," says the lady. "That parking lot is so darkly lit...maybe she was coming around a corner...." Backwards? "...and a whole crowd was running out, which happens -- that is that type of crowd that goes there." That flinging-themselves-under-SUVs type of crowd. Maybe they ran toward the SUV so fast that the Earth started rotating in a different direction, propelling the SUV backward from around the corner it was trying to get around or else had already gone around, and maybe also it was so dark that Lizzie Grubman didn't realize that she was actually driving on a huge conveyor belt moving her backwards; or maybe I'm Jacqueline! was there and she had some sort of tractor beam apparatus on under her dress to drag entire Mercedeses full of Mr. Rights straight to her loins, and it was accidentally pointed in Lizzie Grubman's direction; or maybe all the fish in the Hamptons were so sick of being filmed for this documentary that they swam en masse towards Cape Cod and in doing so caused tidal disturbances that resulted in Tectonic shifts right below Lizzie Grubman's SUV. Let's not rule anything out here.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9Next

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