MONDO EXTRAS

Blonde on Blah

by Wendola June 11, 2002
The Hamptons, Part II

We meet Tracy Hotchner, who is an ambulance technician in the Hamptons. Oh yeah, and she co-wrote the screenplay for Mommie Dearest. "She moved out here from Hollywood and reinvented herself," explains Steven Gaines. Maybe she thought, "Uh oh, have I unwittingly caused scores of wire-hanger injuries inflicted by raving, narcissistic harpy-women with cold cream on their faces? Where is that most likely to happen? The Hamptons, right? I'll move there."

The Seventh Annual Polo Challenge takes place at the Bridgehampton Polo Club. It's sponsored by Mercedes-Benz; they sponsored the Grubman Incident, too. Lots of models show up. "I don't know a thing about polo, but this is the sexiest event of the summer," says Steven Gaines. "There are so many hot girls here I wish I was straight," he says. Polo players play. Deedlelee- deedeedlee- deedeedlee! goes the documentary soundtrack, so you know you're supposed to be excited. "The polo horse is the greatest of all athletes in the equine world," says the polo coach guy. "Polo is very much like hockey on horseback." The major difference, I suppose, is in the teeth-to-beer ratio. Suddenly, a polo player is rolling around on the ground in pain, clutching his arm. What happened? Did Lizzie Grubman leave the scene again? It turns out the guy's arm got sliced by another guy's mallet. Briefly, I hope that the sport of polo now involves mallets rigged with telescoping robotic blades, but that does not seem to be the case.

ToolJosh and his friends go sky-diving. A professional sky-diver is strapped behind him, but it's not, like, a gay thing, dude, okay? They jump, and ToolJosh's ego keeps him in the air for a long time.

There's what has to be a Victoria's Secret fashion show going on at a nightclub somewhere. Either that, or else the documentary cameras have somehow gotten into ToolJosh's head during a particularly private moment with himself. The Hilton sisters boogie listlessly; Helen and Ellen less so. Some model lets us see her thong. At a restaurant somewhere, Neva the Needy Australian waitress begins ranting: "Everybody here's interested in...how they look...and the shape of their butt...and how big their g-string is and what kind of car they drive...and -- and --" And Needy came to the Hamptons why? "And you know what?! I haven't had an intellectual conversation since I've been here!" "I resent that," says Dina, the American waitress. "Oh, except for you," says Needy. Dina's like, "Gee, thanks."

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Blonde on Blah

by Wendola June 11, 2002
The Hamptons, Part II We meet Tracy Hotchner, who is an ambulance technician in the Hamptons. Oh yeah, and she co-wrote the screenplay for Mommie Dearest. "She moved out here from Hollywood and reinvented herself," explains Steven Gaines. Maybe she thought, "Uh oh, have I unwittingly caused scores of wire-hanger injuries inflicted by raving, narcissistic harpy-women with cold cream on their faces? Where is that most likely to happen? The Hamptons, right? I'll move there." The Seventh Annual Polo Challenge takes place at the Bridgehampton Polo Club. It's sponsored by Mercedes-Benz; they sponsored the Grubman Incident, too. Lots of models show up. "I don't know a thing about polo, but this is the sexiest event of the summer," says Steven Gaines. "There are so many hot girls here I wish I was straight," he says. Polo players play. Deedlelee- deedeedlee- deedeedlee! goes the documentary soundtrack, so you know you're supposed to be excited. "The polo horse is the greatest of all athletes in the equine world," says the polo coach guy. "Polo is very much like hockey on horseback." The major difference, I suppose, is in the teeth-to-beer ratio. Suddenly, a polo player is rolling around on the ground in pain, clutching his arm. What happened? Did Lizzie Grubman leave the scene again? It turns out the guy's arm got sliced by another guy's mallet. Briefly, I hope that the sport of polo now involves mallets rigged with telescoping robotic blades, but that does not seem to be the case. ToolJosh and his friends go sky-diving. A professional sky-diver is strapped behind him, but it's not, like, a gay thing, dude, okay? They jump, and ToolJosh's ego keeps him in the air for a long time. There's what has to be a Victoria's Secret fashion show going on at a nightclub somewhere. Either that, or else the documentary cameras have somehow gotten into ToolJosh's head during a particularly private moment with himself. The Hilton sisters boogie listlessly; Helen and Ellen less so. Some model lets us see her thong. At a restaurant somewhere, Neva the Needy Australian waitress begins ranting: "Everybody here's interested in...how they look...and the shape of their butt...and how big their g-string is and what kind of car they drive...and -- and --" And Needy came to the Hamptons why? "And you know what?! I haven't had an intellectual conversation since I've been here!" "I resent that," says Dina, the American waitress. "Oh, except for you," says Needy. Dina's like, "Gee, thanks."

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