MONDO EXTRAS

Da Doo Ron Ron Ron, Da Doo Ron Ron

by Miss Alli October 5, 2005
The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries: “The Mystery Of The Flying Courier”

But enough about parents looking for their years-missing children -- it's time for Joe to sing! Tailgunner introduces him, promising that he will "put you ladies into some zero-G pullouts." Ew. And then we swing over to the stage, and...my God. In front of an American flag backdrop, Shaun Cassidy and band await. He turns around to face the audience. Joe has chosen, for his rock-and-roll debut, a close-fitting, gently scoop-necked sweater with narrow horizontal colored stripes in a blend that's 45 percent rayon and 55 percent estrogen. The hair is fine and feathered. The eyes are those not of a puppy, but of a lovably stupid child. "Yay, Joe!" yells Smart Guy, who knows how to rock out.

"Met her on a Monday and my heart stood still," Joe begins. Because...yes, this is the Shaun Cassidy cover of The Crystals' classic "Da Doo Ron Ron," the existence of which cover is perhaps the worst insult Phil Spector suffered prior to going to prison. The voice is nasal and sounds heavily "sweetened," and for some reason, the entire band appears to be made up of large men with large quantities of dark curly hair. It's like they're all related, like maybe Joe raided a family reunion. I've also never noticed until now how much Shaun Cassidy looks like his mother, who is, of course, Shirley Jones. He totally looks like the lost Partridge sister here. You should know, for plot reasons, that right in the middle of one of the many repetitions of the words "da doo ron ron," Suzie Wilkens watches as Tailgunner gets up from his station and walks away, which the show clearly wishes us to know isn't just because the music is so wretched.

Back at Frank's table, Callie is tapping on the table with her palm. On the downbeat, of course.

Frank watches, all stalker-like, as Suzie slips out through a door, following Tailgunner, I guess, although I'm not clear enough on the layout of The Suck Factory to say for sure. Frank Hardy: your living, breathing Gift of Fear.

Joe is still singing. The guy dancing right in front of the stage in his leather coat is now, I would point out, probably close to sixty years old. I hope his grandchildren have a copy of this.

In some back room, Suzie confronts Tailgunner. "You don't have the money?" she says. "Look, babe, I need time!" he tells her as he takes off his...white aviator hat. Things just keep happening that I can't account for, you know? Suzie tells him that they don't have any time. In fact, if he doesn't get a move on, he's going to wind up doing time. See, it's a pun. Because, "time." "That sounds pretty heavy," he says in a way that's supposed to be sarcastic and tough, but his white leather jacket has a sheepskin collar, so, I mean, come on, right? Suzie insists that she needs the money by tomorrow, and Tailgunner tells her it's not happening: "It's your gig anyway." "It's our gig," she insists, reminding him how he "jumped at the chance" to get involved. They go back and forth like this for a while, with him giving up the fact that some guys have been looking for her, so he wants out. Ultimately, she and her stripey shawl insist that he get her the money tomorrow, and she stomps out.

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Da Doo Ron Ron Ron, Da Doo Ron Ron

by Miss Alli October 5, 2005
The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries: “The Mystery Of The Flying Courier”

But enough about parents looking for their years-missing children -- it's time for Joe to sing! Tailgunner introduces him, promising that he will "put you ladies into some zero-G pullouts." Ew. And then we swing over to the stage, and...my God. In front of an American flag backdrop, Shaun Cassidy and band await. He turns around to face the audience. Joe has chosen, for his rock-and-roll debut, a close-fitting, gently scoop-necked sweater with narrow horizontal colored stripes in a blend that's 45 percent rayon and 55 percent estrogen. The hair is fine and feathered. The eyes are those not of a puppy, but of a lovably stupid child. "Yay, Joe!" yells Smart Guy, who knows how to rock out.

"Met her on a Monday and my heart stood still," Joe begins. Because...yes, this is the Shaun Cassidy cover of The Crystals' classic "Da Doo Ron Ron," the existence of which cover is perhaps the worst insult Phil Spector suffered prior to going to prison. The voice is nasal and sounds heavily "sweetened," and for some reason, the entire band appears to be made up of large men with large quantities of dark curly hair. It's like they're all related, like maybe Joe raided a family reunion. I've also never noticed until now how much Shaun Cassidy looks like his mother, who is, of course, Shirley Jones. He totally looks like the lost Partridge sister here. You should know, for plot reasons, that right in the middle of one of the many repetitions of the words "da doo ron ron," Suzie Wilkens watches as Tailgunner gets up from his station and walks away, which the show clearly wishes us to know isn't just because the music is so wretched.

Back at Frank's table, Callie is tapping on the table with her palm. On the downbeat, of course.

Frank watches, all stalker-like, as Suzie slips out through a door, following Tailgunner, I guess, although I'm not clear enough on the layout of The Suck Factory to say for sure. Frank Hardy: your living, breathing Gift of Fear.

Joe is still singing. The guy dancing right in front of the stage in his leather coat is now, I would point out, probably close to sixty years old. I hope his grandchildren have a copy of this.

In some back room, Suzie confronts Tailgunner. "You don't have the money?" she says. "Look, babe, I need time!" he tells her as he takes off his...white aviator hat. Things just keep happening that I can't account for, you know? Suzie tells him that they don't have any time. In fact, if he doesn't get a move on, he's going to wind up doing time. See, it's a pun. Because, "time." "That sounds pretty heavy," he says in a way that's supposed to be sarcastic and tough, but his white leather jacket has a sheepskin collar, so, I mean, come on, right? Suzie insists that she needs the money by tomorrow, and Tailgunner tells her it's not happening: "It's your gig anyway." "It's our gig," she insists, reminding him how he "jumped at the chance" to get involved. They go back and forth like this for a while, with him giving up the fact that some guys have been looking for her, so he wants out. Ultimately, she and her stripey shawl insist that he get her the money tomorrow, and she stomps out.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16Next

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