MONDO EXTRAS

Da Doo Ron Ron Ron, Da Doo Ron Ron

by Miss Alli October 5, 2005
The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries: “The Mystery Of The Flying Courier”

Back at the Hardy house, HardyDad gently chastises all of the kids for looking so dirty, and gives Frank a little bit of shit for doing something so dangerous. Frank then produces his big find. In Suzie-Not-Suzie's car, he found a paycheck stub. It's from East Coast Airlines, for $280. She was living large, that's for sure. HardyDad says he'll check on it the next morning.

Somewhere else, presumably the next day, Suzie gets out of a taxi and stands next to a food-service van. A dark sedan pulls up, and inside is none other than Josh "Jack McKay" Taylor, whom Suzie addresses as "Miles," wondering why he's there. He says he just was sure she'd need a lift. "Do you know something about my car?" she asks coyly. He smiles, and then gives her a cold "You know, you brought this on yourself." She looks unhappy, and Miles tells her to get in the car. She does, because you should always get in a car with a guy right after he says, "You brought this on yourself." They drive off.

Back at the Hardy house, HardyDad is on the phone, checking the employee ID number with East Coast Airlines. You won't be surprised to hear that it belongs to one Sandra Wofford. Frank, Joe, and Callie are all in the study as HardyDad explains that, clearly, it wasn't Suzie. Apparently, HardyDad missed the part of detective school where they explain what an alias is. No wonder he couldn't find Suzie! He sucks. ("Are you Keyser Soze?" "No." "Okay.") HardyDad tells Frank that, while he trusts Frank's judgment, all the ID they have is in agreement that it was Sandy and not Suzie. See? Sandy! Not Suzie! Frank wants to see if Suzie's family has heard anything, but HardyDad doesn't want to go to them until they know whether it's really Suzie. HardyDad is all about sensitivity. When HardyDad is gone, Frank asks Joe if he thinks it's "safe to show [his] face" back in Valley View, where the Suck Factory is located and where Sandy allegedly resides. Joe chuckles knowingly over the giant shirt collar sticking out of his red sweater and says they might need "a police escort to protect [him] from the fans." Ha ha ha! Callie, who has been sitting uselessly throughout this scene in her unassuming stripey shirt, continues sitting uselessly. "We're going to find us a girl," Frank says, as Chopped Liver Callie takes it all in. "Maybe two," Joe observes brilliantly, and then the boys take off.

And this is where the episode becomes completely awesome, because believe it or not, this 1977 episode of The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries is about music piracy. I am not joking. We find ourselves watching a secret operation devoted to the pressing of illegitimate vinyl. A box rolls down a conveyor belt, and it says, "FRAGILE: PHONOGRAPH RECORDS." Hee hee. Suddenly, Miles McKay brings Suzie-Not-Suzie into the production area. He points to all the guys who are working with forklifts and whatnot to move the enormous loads of phony LPs. "Just about every one of them has a family to support," Miles says, calling on Suzie-Not-Suzie's sense of decency and referencing six other similar operations he's running. "What does this have to do with my car?" Suzie-Not-Suzie demands to know. Miles tells her that when he's "short on product," he has to lay people off from the Illegal Record Warehouse. "Now, am I making my point?" he asks, much more confident in Suzie-Not-Suzie's powers of intuition than I am. "I need those tapes, Sandy," he says. She retorts that she told him what her terms are, so if he doesn't like those terms, he'll have to get the tapes himself. Miles gets real threatening as he says, "I do not want any direct contact with those ding-a-ling, talky radio types." Rule #1 Of Effective Menacing: Do not use the word "ding-a-ling." It's just not scary, you know? Rule #2 is probably not wearing that shirt, so he's 0-for-2. Anyway, Miles claims that the ding-a-lings "have trouble telling the difference between teeny-boppers and FCC commissioners." Rule #3: Do not use the word "teeny-boppers." Suzie-Not-Suzie smiles snottily and says, "Then you'll have to deal with me, won't you?" Miles smiles lecherously and says it's been a pleasure until now. Suzie-Not-Suzie finally feels menaced, and her face falls. Miles says he's going to take her to her car now.

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Da Doo Ron Ron Ron, Da Doo Ron Ron

by Miss Alli October 5, 2005
The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries: “The Mystery Of The Flying Courier”

Back at the Hardy house, HardyDad gently chastises all of the kids for looking so dirty, and gives Frank a little bit of shit for doing something so dangerous. Frank then produces his big find. In Suzie-Not-Suzie's car, he found a paycheck stub. It's from East Coast Airlines, for $280. She was living large, that's for sure. HardyDad says he'll check on it the next morning.

Somewhere else, presumably the next day, Suzie gets out of a taxi and stands next to a food-service van. A dark sedan pulls up, and inside is none other than Josh "Jack McKay" Taylor, whom Suzie addresses as "Miles," wondering why he's there. He says he just was sure she'd need a lift. "Do you know something about my car?" she asks coyly. He smiles, and then gives her a cold "You know, you brought this on yourself." She looks unhappy, and Miles tells her to get in the car. She does, because you should always get in a car with a guy right after he says, "You brought this on yourself." They drive off.

Back at the Hardy house, HardyDad is on the phone, checking the employee ID number with East Coast Airlines. You won't be surprised to hear that it belongs to one Sandra Wofford. Frank, Joe, and Callie are all in the study as HardyDad explains that, clearly, it wasn't Suzie. Apparently, HardyDad missed the part of detective school where they explain what an alias is. No wonder he couldn't find Suzie! He sucks. ("Are you Keyser Soze?" "No." "Okay.") HardyDad tells Frank that, while he trusts Frank's judgment, all the ID they have is in agreement that it was Sandy and not Suzie. See? Sandy! Not Suzie! Frank wants to see if Suzie's family has heard anything, but HardyDad doesn't want to go to them until they know whether it's really Suzie. HardyDad is all about sensitivity. When HardyDad is gone, Frank asks Joe if he thinks it's "safe to show [his] face" back in Valley View, where the Suck Factory is located and where Sandy allegedly resides. Joe chuckles knowingly over the giant shirt collar sticking out of his red sweater and says they might need "a police escort to protect [him] from the fans." Ha ha ha! Callie, who has been sitting uselessly throughout this scene in her unassuming stripey shirt, continues sitting uselessly. "We're going to find us a girl," Frank says, as Chopped Liver Callie takes it all in. "Maybe two," Joe observes brilliantly, and then the boys take off.

And this is where the episode becomes completely awesome, because believe it or not, this 1977 episode of The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries is about music piracy. I am not joking. We find ourselves watching a secret operation devoted to the pressing of illegitimate vinyl. A box rolls down a conveyor belt, and it says, "FRAGILE: PHONOGRAPH RECORDS." Hee hee. Suddenly, Miles McKay brings Suzie-Not-Suzie into the production area. He points to all the guys who are working with forklifts and whatnot to move the enormous loads of phony LPs. "Just about every one of them has a family to support," Miles says, calling on Suzie-Not-Suzie's sense of decency and referencing six other similar operations he's running. "What does this have to do with my car?" Suzie-Not-Suzie demands to know. Miles tells her that when he's "short on product," he has to lay people off from the Illegal Record Warehouse. "Now, am I making my point?" he asks, much more confident in Suzie-Not-Suzie's powers of intuition than I am. "I need those tapes, Sandy," he says. She retorts that she told him what her terms are, so if he doesn't like those terms, he'll have to get the tapes himself. Miles gets real threatening as he says, "I do not want any direct contact with those ding-a-ling, talky radio types." Rule #1 Of Effective Menacing: Do not use the word "ding-a-ling." It's just not scary, you know? Rule #2 is probably not wearing that shirt, so he's 0-for-2. Anyway, Miles claims that the ding-a-lings "have trouble telling the difference between teeny-boppers and FCC commissioners." Rule #3: Do not use the word "teeny-boppers." Suzie-Not-Suzie smiles snottily and says, "Then you'll have to deal with me, won't you?" Miles smiles lecherously and says it's been a pleasure until now. Suzie-Not-Suzie finally feels menaced, and her face falls. Miles says he's going to take her to her car now.

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