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The Lone Ranger

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The Lone Ranger Rides Again
Grace and her son visit the gravesite of the dead Rangers. How they got there by walking when it took the men an entire day to ride out, well, I don't know, but whatever. The WB's never been about continuity over storytelling. They're dressed in black; I supposed they're paying their respects. When they come upon the site, they notice that the Regulators are already there. Grace grabs her son, and they hide behind a big tree. One of the Regulators says, "Why do you bury a body?" Another replies, "Because it stinks." Kansas says, "There's thirteen graves here, and how did that punk Indian know what happened?" How did Kansas know what they were saying anyway? Yeah, he speaks Apache -- in fact, he understood every "heathen" word they said. One of the Regulators explains how the Apache see the dead, that they bury them so that the souls won't come back to finish off what was started. Kansas says that there won't be any Apaches left alive to bury the dead after he's finished with them. Grace grimaces and holds her son even tighter. The child starts playing with a pinecone. Kansas tells the rest of the gang that they'll ambush the Apaches, and kill them after they finish up with the settlers. Then they'll all move on to Houston. A lizard appears. Of course, Little Man throws the pinecone at the reptile. Of course, Kansas hears the noise and pulls out his gun. He walks toward the trees, weapon cocked, until the lizard appears again -- causing the Regulators laugh about how funny it was that some tiny reptile scared them. Grace breathes a sigh of relief. The Regulators ride. Grace cries. Meanwhile, Luke starts his vision quest. He plays with sticks for while. He watches an eagle fly above. He eats some of the stuff Kulakinah gave him. He grimaces after he eats the stuff Kulakinah gives him. The film stock changes to look dreamier. Luke finds his watch, now broken. The colour takes on a tepid tone. Harmon shows up. Luke misses him. Harmon tells him that it's time for him to become the man he's going to be. Blah revenge blah. Luke's father shows up. The earth spins. The father wants to know why he's throwing everything away. Blah Harvard blah. Luke reaches for the sky. He plays with the stars, just like he told Harmon he would. The father disappears. Luke curls up into the fetal position. More time-lapsed photography changes from night to day and back again. Alope rides in on a white horse. The earth spins. Some horrible music plays to accompany this absolute dreck. The horse gallops. Alope rides. Luke screams, "All right, spirit guide! Do your worst!" The clouds rush by. And when Luke comes to, the white horse is there -- thunder rolls, but the white horse stays, and he says, "Hi!" He pets the horse: "Yo." Pause. "Silver." Well, not as seamless as the busker singing the Spider-Man theme song in the film, but not bad.

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Mondo Extra
The Lone Ranger

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The Lone Ranger Rides Again

Cue said bath. Who knew that hot springs actually bubbled like a hot tub? More half-naked shots of Chad Michael Murray. Alope comes in and says, "You were asleep. That's good. You need the rest." Luke pauses, covers himself -- "modestly," but what-freaking-ever -- and says, "Do you want me to get out?" She says coyly, "Do you want me to get in?" She unharnesses her leather dress and dives into the tub. They make out. Yes. They make out. In the bubbling hot tub/hot spring. With steam rising all over the place and a fire going in the corner. Man! The Wild West, porno-style. Oh, wait! It was all a dream, thank goodness, because this film wasn't cheesy enough as it was; it really needed a love scene on top of all the manly bonding and ass-kicking.

Back to Apache Boot Camp. Luke wants to Tonto to teach him how to fly like he did in Dallas. And then he demonstrates. He runs toward a fallen log, jumps into the air, and soars high above the ground with his legs in a hi-ya kick, sort of like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Apache. Luke wants to do that, but Tonto says no -- maybe when he needs it, it'll be there, but not now. They bond. Luke makes a good Apache. The training is over! Luke says, "Man, if my dad could see me now, he'd roll over in his grave." Tonto laughs, "Mine would just put me in a grave, he wouldn't even kill me, he'd just bury me!" They giggle. Then Luke says, "Thanks, keemosabe, thanks for teaching me." Tonto says, "What did you call me?" Luke: "Keemosabe? What, I heard the elders call each other that." Well, they're not keemosabe, so Luke better watch his language. They're friends, and that's all. But wait! Tera sees them from the forest, and anger burns through him! There's trouble ahead, keemosabe or not keemosabe.

Dallas. Shockingly, we find out that Mr. Landry -- the hotelier -- is behind the whole Regulator troubles, and he's got the Sheriff in his pocket. Yeah, he wants the Sheriff to get out and settle the Regulator troubles for once and for all. Oh, and Landry? Yeah, he's got a moustache and a tiny beard, so, you know -- he's bad; and he wants the railroad, people's lives and properties be damned.

Time for another fireside chat. Luke asks, "Now? Am I ready to git them?" No, it's not a typo -- he says "git," like the good Texas boy he's becoming. Kulakinah asks, "To get them on your side, or to get them back?" Luke replies, "To get them back. To kill them." For some reason, Kulakinah has his back to the fire. I guess he's more mystical that way. He says, "You have mourned and learned, you have trained your mind and body, and you have found a magnificent spirit guide in Silver." Pause. "But you cannot yet defeat them." Luke: "What else is there?" Well, it's his face. It's the face of a good boy. So, he needs a mask -- to beat them, he must give them a face to fear! And as Kulakinah says that, he turns toward the fire; instantly, his face is a tiger's, and then it fades into war paint. Yes, I wrote "tiger"; he even growls. Oh! Scary! Shaman and shape-shifter -- damn, Kulakinah's one talented "mystic Indian." Luke jumps back. "Whoa!" Oh, and Kulakinah's also holding a mask, so that Luke can protect his good face on one hand, and fill his enemies with fear on the other. Yup. Fear. That's what I think when I see Chad Michael Murray in a mask. Kulakinah hands the mask to Luke and says, "It belongs to you already." Tonto reminds Luke that he was holding it when he found him. Luke investigates the piece of leather, and then says, "My brother's vest." Kulakinah blabs on about the strength in the leather, about how he opened the bullet holes, about how he remade it, just for Luke. Thank gosh, because you can't really be a superhero without a mask. Blah symbols on the mask, blah walking amongst the spirits, blah bad soundtrack blah. Luke stands up, resolute in his goal -- he is going to git them. And he'll git them good! When Tonto stands up, he's also painted his face. He says, "There's only one piece of property left for the Regulators to take." They embrace forearms, and Luke says, "Let's ride!" I hope they're riding over here to take this hammer out of my head, because I'm starting to have trouble seeing. Ride away, cowboy!

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