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The Lone Ranger

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The Lone Ranger Rides Again
The teaching continues. Tonto and Luke are sparring. Or, should I say, Tonto is seriously kicking Luke's butt -- man, he's got a lot to learn. Nathaniel Arcand is pretty spry. He threw Chad right over him, and then jumped right back on to his feet. Man, no matter how I describe it, it's not going to sound anything less than silly. Kulakinah smiles. They start again. Again, Tonto tosses Luke to the ground. Luke has another hissyfit. Kulakinah says, "You cannot let your passion get away from you. You must remain calm, focused." Luke kicks a stump in anger. And then he screams, "But I am not calm and focused. All right. I want to kill the son-of-a-bitch." Tonto sits quietly on the log beside Kulakinah. "But passion is like a horse, it doesn't diminish because you harness it -- it just takes you where you want to go!" ["'Wax on, wax off.'" -- Sars] The camera focuses in on Silver's freaky-looking eye. Heh. The pair jogs. Then they're practicing archery. Luke sucks at archery. So he grabs a gun and shoots the feather off the arrows. Then he smirks. They jog some more. Tonto sucks at shooting, but he kicks ass at knife-throwing. They jump over logs. They practice more shooting. Then they rock-climb. Tonto yells, "What do you call that?" Luke grunts and holds his stomach where he got shot. Tonto screams, "That's not climbing! That's waiting." He encourages Luke to keep going by taunting him with a bath. Cue said bath. Who knew that hot springs actually bubbled like a hot tub? More half-naked shots of Chad Michael Murray. Alope comes in and says, "You were asleep. That's good. You need the rest." Luke pauses, covers himself -- "modestly," but what-freaking-ever -- and says, "Do you want me to get out?" She says coyly, "Do you want me to get in?" She unharnesses her leather dress and dives into the tub. They make out. Yes. They make out. In the bubbling hot tub/hot spring. With steam rising all over the place and a fire going in the corner. Man! The Wild West, porno-style. Oh, wait! It was all a dream, thank goodness, because this film wasn't cheesy enough as it was; it really needed a love scene on top of all the manly bonding and ass-kicking. Back to Apache Boot Camp. Luke wants to Tonto to teach him how to fly like he did in Dallas. And then he demonstrates. He runs toward a fallen log, jumps into the air, and soars high above the ground with his legs in a hi-ya kick, sort of like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Apache. Luke wants to do that, but Tonto says no -- maybe when he needs it, it'll be there, but not now. They bond. Luke makes a good Apache. The training is over! Luke says, "Man, if my dad could see me now, he'd roll over in his grave." Tonto laughs, "Mine would just put me in a grave, he wouldn't even kill me, he'd just bury me!" They giggle. Then Luke says, "Thanks, keemosabe, thanks for teaching me." Tonto says, "What did you call me?" Luke: "Keemosabe? What, I heard the elders call each other that." Well, they're not keemosabe, so Luke better watch his language. They're friends, and that's all. But wait! Tera sees them from the forest, and anger burns through him! There's trouble ahead, keemosabe or not keemosabe.

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Mondo Extra
The Lone Ranger

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The Lone Ranger Rides Again

The Regulators torch the woodpile at the last house standing. They seem to take a sick sense of pleasure in their work. Someone makes a joke about being ready for a cookout. Kansas screams, "Now listen up! You're the last ones. Now you were told to clear your hides out of here! What's wrong with you people?" Someone from inside screams: "You clear out of here!" The Regulators won't take no for an answer. The man inside screams, "We're going to give you one more chance!" The Regulators don't listen. One of them approaches the door; the woman of the house opens it, screams, "And that was it!" and then blows a hole in the guy's gut. This causes Kansas to get off his horse. The husband and wife scream for them to get off their property. Kansas orders the men to torch the house. But wait! Rising from the flames on the top of the house is none other than the Lone Freaking Ranger. Blah he was there at the massacre, blah his momma didn't raise no fool, blah he's back blah. The Regulators stand there stunned. Guns blaze. Shots are fired all over the place. Tonto jumps in and high-kicks some ass. He's martial-arts Apache. After taking down almost all of the Regulators, Tonto's got Kansas City by the neck. Luke walks toward them and says, "He's mine." Then he says to Kansas, "You're going to die." Kansas picks up a gun: "One of us is." Luke: "No. I'm already dead, remember." O. So. Poignant. Kansas tries to fire, but the gun doesn't go off -- he's out of bullets! Luke: "You should learn how to count." But just as Luke's about to shoot the bastard, Silver stands between the hero and his villain. Luke screams for Silver to get out of the way, but he won't, so of course Kansas City gets away. Tonto screams, "Why didn't you kill him when you had the chance?" Luke retorts, "Silver wouldn't let me!" Tonto: "Why is that?" Luke: "I don't know!" Tonto: "Well, you should, he's your spirit guide." Luke stares deep into Silver's magical eyes and sees fire, lots and lots of fire. Silver blinks. And we go to commercial.

Tonto investigates the dead man's boots. He says, "Hey! I found a shortcut to their camp." Luke leans down as Tonto pulls off pieces of grass, mud, and some wild rice as he explains the exact location of the Regulator camp. Smart guy, that Tonto. He can really read the signs. He opened up his eyes, and he saw the signs. Yawn. In fact, the wild rice is rare; it only grows near two lakes. Luke says, "Good. So that narrows it down to two places." Tonto replies, "One spot, Ranger, the other's on Apache land." Luke: "Wait. What did you call me?" They bicker about "Ranger" for a minute. Blah he's not a Ranger; blah don't call him that, blah his brother was a Ranger, blah keemosabe blah. They ride off into the darkness; they've got work to do! Oh, and no one actually goes into the house to see if the people are all right, and who knows how the fires stopped. Must have been magic. Yawn. Who pays attention to the details, eh?

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