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The Lone Ranger

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The Lone Ranger Rides Again
Tonto investigates the dead man's boots. He says, "Hey! I found a shortcut to their camp." Luke leans down as Tonto pulls off pieces of grass, mud, and some wild rice as he explains the exact location of the Regulator camp. Smart guy, that Tonto. He can really read the signs. He opened up his eyes, and he saw the signs. Yawn. In fact, the wild rice is rare; it only grows near two lakes. Luke says, "Good. So that narrows it down to two places." Tonto replies, "One spot, Ranger, the other's on Apache land." Luke: "Wait. What did you call me?" They bicker about "Ranger" for a minute. Blah he's not a Ranger; blah don't call him that, blah his brother was a Ranger, blah keemosabe blah. They ride off into the darkness; they've got work to do! Oh, and no one actually goes into the house to see if the people are all right, and who knows how the fires stopped. Must have been magic. Yawn. Who pays attention to the details, eh? Hartman's Trading Post. Luke breaks into his dead brother's store and starts stealing stuff. Yes, he's taking rouge and blasting powder. We know this already. Yawn. Grace cries. And cries. And moans. And looks at a locket that's got pictures of Harmon inside. Luke sees her crying, and his resolve turns to steel. He's going to get those bastards if it's the last bloody thing he does. Yawn. She hears a noise and says, "Harmon?" As she walks out to investigate, she says, "Luke?" And when she doesn't hear anything, she shuts the door. Luke continues looting. His nephew comes up and says, "Daddy?" Luke replies, "I'm not your dad." The kid says, "Am I dreaming?" Luke laughs, "No." He says, "Are you a robber?" He laughs again, "No." But, um, he kind of is a robber, because he's pretty much stealing what he needs from the store. Blah uncle-nephew bonding, blah Luke knew his father, blah he was a great man blah. Little Man nods. Luke says, "You know what he told me?" The kid's eyes well up with tears. Blah he misses his dad, blah heartstrings blah. Then he promises the kid he'll get the men who hurt him. The kid asks, "Who are you?" Luke tells him to go to sleep, and that he hopes he dreams of his father tonight. The bile is rising. I can't make it stop. Just pause for a minute while I get a barf bucket. Of course, Grace comes out, and of course, she doesn't recognize her brother-in-law -- of course, she only sees the "lone" Ranger. Luke says, "I'm a friend." Then he jumps up and somersaults over a banister to the second floor. Grace grabs a knife and whips it at him. The kid says, "Wow!" Luke tugs his hat and says, "You two take care of each other now!" Then he jumps out a window, calls to Silver, dives onto the horse, and rides away. Wow, Wild West stunts are cool!

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Mondo Extra
The Lone Ranger

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The Lone Ranger Rides Again

The next morning, the Sheriff ["a.k.a. Father Intintola" -- Sars] rides into the Regulator camp. He calls out for Kansas City Haas. The Sheriff tells Kansas that Grace Hartman overheard them the other day; then he jokes about the place really being haunted. The Sheriff threatens Kansas, so Kansas shoots him -- in the back no less. Then he screams at the dead body, and some other Regulators drag the corpse off.

Apache Camp. Tera and Alope have a moment. They were supposed to be together. It was assumed they'd be together. But she was afraid of his heart, because "it's hard and closed like a fist." What could make him love her? He has to open his heart. Tera says, "You want us to go to war?" Alope replies, "If Tonto says that we're in danger, I believe him." Pause. "He doesn't lie." Tera nods his head and asks, "What about Luke Hartman?" She responds, "Do you really want him dead." Tera: "If I say yes, and I let him die, you'll hate me. And if I say no, and I save him, I'll have an open heart and you'll love me, but I have a rival." Alope smiles, "You understand the situation perfectly."

Luke and Tonto are building quasi-bombs from powder and paraffin. They're filling up pats of rouge with gunpowder. Why they need bombs is anyone's guess. I suppose the WB's version of the Wild West wouldn't be complete without some pyrotechnics. Their conversation doesn't tend toward making a plan of attack, or anything else, well, reasonable. No, they talk about girls. Yes. They are gossiping about women while building bombs with rouge and gunpowder. And no one thought this might look a little ridiculous? Tonto says, "I think my sister likes you." Luke says he'll pass her a note in homeroom. They're finished with the bombs. They make puns about forbidden love, chemistry, and physics. I use the pronged end of the hammer to pry my eyes back after they roll deep back into my head.

The Regulators suffer through a "pep" talk from Kansas City, who claims they'll have "red" for lunch. Then he threatens to "get" both the masked man and Grace Hartman. But wait! Silver and Tonto's horses ride by. Then the camp explodes. Honestly. The bombs start going off all over the place. Tonto fires a smoking rouge-bomb from his bow dead into the centre of the camp, and Regulators fly all over the place. Luke kicks some ass. He's wearing leather pants now. A couple more Regulators get the crap kicked out of them. Luke calls out, "Behind you!" Tonto ducks a shovel coming at his head. Then he high-kicks some more guys.

But wait! Two of the Regulators have got Tonto, and they're beating him pretty hard. Then they're drowning him a lake. But wait! Luke FLYS. Yes. He does the flying high kick that came to his aid just when he needed it. But Tonto might already be dead, so Luke punches him in the lungs until he spits out the water. Ah, brotherly love. Luke says, "Are you all right?" Tonto says, "No." Blah he saved him, now they've saved each other lives, blah sacred bond, and blah keemosabe. They embrace forearms. Luke says, "Kansas City's still out there!" Luke chases him, guns blazing. But just as Tonto tries to climb up the embankment, a Regulator stands there pointing a gun at his head. Not to worry, though, because Tera's raised a war party, and he's in turn got an arrow to the Regulator's head. Whew. Couldn't have seen that one coming with a ten-foot totem pole. Ouch! Ow! Ahhhh! The hammer hurts. Tonto's father helps him up, and he says, "It's good to see you." The Chief says, "Looks like you did all right by yourself." Tonto shakes his head: "No. Not by myself." He's got the love of a good Lone Ranger to see him through the hard times.

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