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The Lone Ranger

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The Lone Ranger Rides Again
Luke and Tonto are building quasi-bombs from powder and paraffin. They're filling up pats of rouge with gunpowder. Why they need bombs is anyone's guess. I suppose the WB's version of the Wild West wouldn't be complete without some pyrotechnics. Their conversation doesn't tend toward making a plan of attack, or anything else, well, reasonable. No, they talk about girls. Yes. They are gossiping about women while building bombs with rouge and gunpowder. And no one thought this might look a little ridiculous? Tonto says, "I think my sister likes you." Luke says he'll pass her a note in homeroom. They're finished with the bombs. They make puns about forbidden love, chemistry, and physics. I use the pronged end of the hammer to pry my eyes back after they roll deep back into my head. The Regulators suffer through a "pep" talk from Kansas City, who claims they'll have "red" for lunch. Then he threatens to "get" both the masked man and Grace Hartman. But wait! Silver and Tonto's horses ride by. Then the camp explodes. Honestly. The bombs start going off all over the place. Tonto fires a smoking rouge-bomb from his bow dead into the centre of the camp, and Regulators fly all over the place. Luke kicks some ass. He's wearing leather pants now. A couple more Regulators get the crap kicked out of them. Luke calls out, "Behind you!" Tonto ducks a shovel coming at his head. Then he high-kicks some more guys. But wait! Two of the Regulators have got Tonto, and they're beating him pretty hard. Then they're drowning him a lake. But wait! Luke FLYS. Yes. He does the flying high kick that came to his aid just when he needed it. But Tonto might already be dead, so Luke punches him in the lungs until he spits out the water. Ah, brotherly love. Luke says, "Are you all right?" Tonto says, "No." Blah he saved him, now they've saved each other lives, blah sacred bond, and blah keemosabe. They embrace forearms. Luke says, "Kansas City's still out there!" Luke chases him, guns blazing. But just as Tonto tries to climb up the embankment, a Regulator stands there pointing a gun at his head. Not to worry, though, because Tera's raised a war party, and he's in turn got an arrow to the Regulator's head. Whew. Couldn't have seen that one coming with a ten-foot totem pole. Ouch! Ow! Ahhhh! The hammer hurts. Tonto's father helps him up, and he says, "It's good to see you." The Chief says, "Looks like you did all right by yourself." Tonto shakes his head: "No. Not by myself." He's got the love of a good Lone Ranger to see him through the hard times.

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Mondo Extra
The Lone Ranger

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The Lone Ranger Rides Again

Time-lapse photography shows clouds. More clouds. Then we get a shot of Luke pursing his lips as the Lone Ranger.

Luke rides into the Apache camp on Silver. Kulakinah says, "Where have you been? I've been waiting for you." Luke jumps off his horse and walks toward the man. "I've decided to stay." Kulakinah reminds him that his work is done, that he can go home now. Luke replies, "I am home. I want to protect my family. I want to wear the mask and bring the good hope and the evil fear. Kansas City wasn't the end, for me or for Tonto. It was just the beginning." Kulakinah says that sounds just about right to him. Then he hands Harmon's Texas Ranger badge over to Luke. Blah volunteer, blah lawless land, justice for all, blah. Luke ponders the badge for a second and says, "I guess I earned it." Kulakinah: "You're the only Ranger left." Pause. "The Lone Ranger." Then he says, "And your father forgives you." Luke: "My father?" Kulakinah: "And your brother. Very proud. They're together now, behind you waiting to see how you will stir up the stars." Luke thanks Kulakinah, with tears in his pretty blue eyes. Then he finds Tonto, and asks if he wants to go out of town and get into trouble. Tonto says sure! But then he asks Alope if she wants to come too. Luke and Alope smile at each other, and they flirt. Because all the women in Dallas love Luke. It's a whole world of Luke-loving.

Tonto and Luke ride off through the grasslands. Luke thanks Tonto, and says he couldn't have done it without him. Tonto laughs and says that no, he couldn't -- but Tonto most certainly could have done it without Luke. They ride. They bond. They call each other "Ranger" and "keemosabe." And they ride, hard -- through the grassy plains and into their destiny. All the while, a rock-and-roll version of the theme to The Lone Ranger rolls out in the background. Cut to various scenes of the two of them in their masked getups riding all over the place, over hills, over vales, through trees on off the dusty trails. The End. Finally, the hammer falls out of its own accord. Thank goodness. I'm free.

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