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The Lone Ranger

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The Lone Ranger Rides Again
He stops to ponder the smithies in the blacksmith shop for a moment, and then notices a damsel in distress being hounded by some hoodlums. Cowboy Hoodlum #1 throws the young woman against the wall and says, "That's what you get, you little Apache bitch." He grabs her and then tosses her to Cowboy Hoodlum #2, who holds on to her tightly. Cowboy Hoodlum #1 cries, "You come into town and call me trash?" Pause. "All I asked was your name, now, darling!" Cowboy Hoodlum #3 watches as this lovely gentleman says, "Now you're going to give me a lot more than that." Well, it's always nice to start off a MOW with an attempted rape. Brings the whole picture up to a certain level, you know? So, of course, Luke races back into the alley to begin his tenure as a hero. In the meantime, the young woman has kicked a couple of hoodlums in the groin and generally managed to kick and scream and fight and kick and scream some more. Luke says, "Leave the lady alone." Cowboy Hoodlum #1 tells Luke to mind his own damn business: "Lady?" Pause. "She ain't a lady. She's a squaw." Luke tries to get lippy: "That's some pretty good Apache. But you need to learn 'I'm sorry ma'am, but we've got no class --'" One of the Hoodlums punches Luke in the gut. He topples like a house of cards. I guess he's got some learning to do before he truly embarks on his hero quest. After getting kicked a couple more times, Luke crawls along in the dust, pulls a book out of his satchel, and tries to outsmart these brain surgeons. So, yeah, he tells them all that the book he's waving around like a sack of magical beans is a "Connecticut special," and that if he has to open his "concealed weapon," they're sure to receive an education. As Luke opens the book, a gun goes off, and the Hoodlum King appears. He tells the gangs of miscreants to leave both of them alone, and for the guys to get on their way -- to get their supplies and get out of there. The Hoodlum King's name is Chandler; he says to Luke: "City boy, you best go on and get home to your momma." The Hoodlums start to protest -- they were looking for a little trouble -- but they obey their leader and leave. The young woman inspects her injuries; her arm is banged up, bruised and bloody. Luke bends down and asks, "Are you all right, miss?" He offers her his hand. She screams, "No!" Chad replies questioningly, "No?" And then she screams, "No-o-o-o!" as Nathaniel Arcand comes flying -- you know, all kung-fu freaky jumping through the air like you've got wings on your feet -- into the alley. His foot is directly headed for Luke's pretty highlighted hair. Okay, way to go, Nathaniel Arcand! It's a huge step from playing the bad-boy William on North of 60 to starring in a WB MOW. North of 60 alumni are everywhere these days -- Adam Beach was in Windtalkers and now Nathaniel Arcand shows up here. What was North of 60, you ask? Well, it was a CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Company) drama about a small native Canadian community called Lynx River located, you guessed it, north of 60 -- in the Northwest Territories. Yeah, when you don't have cable, and you're a starving student, you grab your melodrama wherever you can; for us humble Canadians, the CBC is the place for over-the-top drama, sort of like a more reverent PBS, if you can imagine anything being more reverent than PBS. Right, back to the film.

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Mondo Extra
The Lone Ranger

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The Lone Ranger Rides Again

As Luke opens the book, a gun goes off, and the Hoodlum King appears. He tells the gangs of miscreants to leave both of them alone, and for the guys to get on their way -- to get their supplies and get out of there. The Hoodlum King's name is Chandler; he says to Luke: "City boy, you best go on and get home to your momma." The Hoodlums start to protest -- they were looking for a little trouble -- but they obey their leader and leave. The young woman inspects her injuries; her arm is banged up, bruised and bloody. Luke bends down and asks, "Are you all right, miss?" He offers her his hand. She screams, "No!" Chad replies questioningly, "No?" And then she screams, "No-o-o-o!" as Nathaniel Arcand comes flying -- you know, all kung-fu freaky jumping through the air like you've got wings on your feet -- into the alley. His foot is directly headed for Luke's pretty highlighted hair. Okay, way to go, Nathaniel Arcand! It's a huge step from playing the bad-boy William on North of 60 to starring in a WB MOW. North of 60 alumni are everywhere these days -- Adam Beach was in Windtalkers and now Nathaniel Arcand shows up here. What was North of 60, you ask? Well, it was a CBC (Canadian Broadcasting Company) drama about a small native Canadian community called Lynx River located, you guessed it, north of 60 -- in the Northwest Territories. Yeah, when you don't have cable, and you're a starving student, you grab your melodrama wherever you can; for us humble Canadians, the CBC is the place for over-the-top drama, sort of like a more reverent PBS, if you can imagine anything being more reverent than PBS. Right, back to the film.

Nathaniel -- or, ahem, "Tonto" -- has got both a hatchet and a knife to Luke's neck. The young woman tries to pull him off Luke by explaining that Luke helped her. Tonto whisper-insults: "You helped her? Why would a white-eye help her?" He's got Luke pinned against the wall with his hands up. Luke says, "She was in trouble." Tonto seems to accept this answer because he takes away the weapons, and as Luke jumps away from the wall, he bitches, "Ah! Is everyone out here insane?!" He grabs his book and tries to wipe the dust off its cover. Tonto apologizes, "I'm sorry, I've just never met a white-eye who would have done that." Huh. Their haircuts are cracking me up. Nathaniel Arcand's hair is all tousled and scruffy-looking; it's very Vidal Sassoon. I'm so glad they had stylists in the Wild West. Luke replies, "Hey, apology accepted. If I had a girl like that I'd probably be flying at guys with sharp objects too." He holds out his hand to Tonto and introduces himself as Luke Hartman. Nathaniel Arcand grabs his forearm tightly and says, "I'm Tonto." And a beautiful friendship is born. Yawn. He introduces the young woman as his sister, Alope. Luke stumbles around Alope for a while, mumbling about how it was wrong for the Hoodlums to call her ugly, because, well, she's not ugly. Blah blah blah love interest-cakes. Luke asks them if they know where Hartman's Trading Post is, and they tell him it's on the next street, and the city boy is off to find his next western adventure. This one's entitled "Reunited with the Long, Lost Brother at Last." Yawn.

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