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The Lone Ranger

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The Lone Ranger Rides Again
A band of Apache warriors walks along a road. Tonto walks behind with Kulakinah and says, "I have a problem." Kulakinah's witty response is "only one?" Ha! O wise, witty sage. They talk about Luke. About how it's interesting how many lives he's already touching. Tonto tells Kulakinah that Luke wants him to help him. Kulakinah replies that he wants to help him too. Tonto: "You would?" Yes. Kulakinah honours his dreams. Tonto goes on to tell Kulakinah that he dreams of leading his people as their chief, but how can he do that if he goes ahead and teaches a white-eye? Here comes the incredibly annoying dialogue, though, as Kulakinah talks just like he stepped off the set of Mystery Men II: "Not all chief are leaders, Tonto, and not all chiefs are leaders. It would be a great leap into the unknown. And such leaps are, by their nature, dangerous." Bwa! Who the hell talks like this? Kulakinah chuckles, "You're right. You do have a problem." The Apache warriors come across -- who else? -- Kansas City Haas, who sees them, stands up, and says, "There you are! We were beginning to worry." Tonto comes up from behind, follows the call of the flute, and stares down the bad guy with his smoldering stare as we fade into commercials. The men sit in a circle to discuss their business. As he sits down beside his father, Tonto says, in Apache: "Father, we must name a war chief." Why? "He is the man who killed the Rangers." Tera says, "This is not our fight!" They've got it subtitled, so I'm just typing out the translation. Kansas City sprawls out in the dust and says calmly, "Everything all right?" Kansas asks how many guns they'll need. Tonto tells Tera to tell him a hundred. Tera asks why, when they are really only thirty. Um, because Kansas City's trying to figure out how many Apache he'll have to take down in his quest for the railroad dummy. Even I can figure that much out. Hell, Tera, you hate the white-eye, but you're willing to trust them enough to buy the right amount of guns off them? Silly, silly Tera. Kansas laughs and says, "You guys need a little private moment here?" Yeah, that's hilarious -- nothing like a bit of Wild West homophobia. Please. Like we needed any other reason to think these guys were assholes. All of these cowboys talk way too damn much. Tonto stares at Kansas and says, "You understand me. Don't you." Kansas tries to deny it: "You pulling my tail, boy?" Tonto: "I will pull your guys out like a rope." Kansas laughs, and then he tells Tera to tell Tonto to speak in English. Tonto keeps insisting that these men will kill them all. Tonto's father tells him to keep quiet. Kulakinah looks knowingly at Tonto as he stares menacingly at Kansas City.

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The Lone Ranger

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The Lone Ranger Rides Again

Tonto and Luke are riding out onto the grassland on one horse. As they ride, Luke asks Tonto what changed his mind about helping him. Tonto replies, "I see now that following old ways blindly will only lead my people off a cliff. So, we'll try a new way." Pause. "I'll teach you what I know to defeat Kansas City Haas." The horse trots along. "But we've got to do it in secret. Only one other can know." Luke says, "Listen, if it's too big a risk --" Kulakinah appears out of nowhere: "Then it wouldn't be worth doing." Tonto reintroduces Kulakinah to Luke and explains that he is their shaman. Apparently, Tonto would trust Kulakinah with his life. Luke says, "Thank you for helping me." Kulakinah replies, "My dreams are honoured." They stop, and Tonto helps Luke down. Kulakinah tells the boy that he needs to go on a vision quest. Oh, this is giving me a bad feeling. Blah purify body, blah purify mind, blah purify soul, blah Thunderheart blah. Luke has no idea what a vision quest entails. Tonto replies that it's a thing that can't be described. Luke: "Tell me!" Tonto says: "Can't. It can't be described." Kulakinah: "There is sight." He points his two fingers toward Luke's eyes, and continues, "And then there is insight." The fingers point back to his mind. Heh. Kulakinah is hilarious. I can't take him seriously. I keep seeing Wes Studi trying to teach the Mystery Men by using the same kind of philosophical mumbo-jumbo. I keep waiting for Luke to bust out Ben Stiller-style all over the place, but it never happens. Kulakinah tells Luke he'll need to "embrace his spirit fully." Luke whines, "I'm from Boston! I don't have a spirit to embrace." Heh. Kulakinah replies, "It's probably hiding. But with luck it may reveal itself, or you might find a spirit guide to help you." Luke pulls out a pocket watch and, for some reason, checks the time. "Look. I don't know if Tonto told you, but I'm in kind of a hurry." Oh. The. Symbolism. The hammer taps away. "And honestly, I don't speak mystic Indian." Heh. Kulakinah grabs the pocket watch and tells Luke that he's rushing because he's got emptiness inside. Once he fills up his emptiness, then he won't need to rush. So, of course, he tosses the pocket watch, which makes Luke upset. Tonto smiles: "Luke? Have you ever fought a river? This is a river. Go with the flow." His hand juts out in the "universal symbol" for going with the flow -- thank you, Zadie Smith. Kulakinah hands him some strange-looking food-like substance, telling Luke that he should eat it if he gets hungry. Then they leave. Luke has a little hissyfit. He whines about not having any water, kicks some dirt, whines some more, and then gives up in exasperation.

Grace and her son visit the gravesite of the dead Rangers. How they got there by walking when it took the men an entire day to ride out, well, I don't know, but whatever. The WB's never been about continuity over storytelling. They're dressed in black; I supposed they're paying their respects. When they come upon the site, they notice that the Regulators are already there. Grace grabs her son, and they hide behind a big tree. One of the Regulators says, "Why do you bury a body?" Another replies, "Because it stinks." Kansas says, "There's thirteen graves here, and how did that punk Indian know what happened?" How did Kansas know what they were saying anyway? Yeah, he speaks Apache -- in fact, he understood every "heathen" word they said. One of the Regulators explains how the Apache see the dead, that they bury them so that the souls won't come back to finish off what was started. Kansas says that there won't be any Apaches left alive to bury the dead after he's finished with them. Grace grimaces and holds her son even tighter. The child starts playing with a pinecone. Kansas tells the rest of the gang that they'll ambush the Apaches, and kill them after they finish up with the settlers. Then they'll all move on to Houston. A lizard appears. Of course, Little Man throws the pinecone at the reptile. Of course, Kansas hears the noise and pulls out his gun. He walks toward the trees, weapon cocked, until the lizard appears again -- causing the Regulators laugh about how funny it was that some tiny reptile scared them. Grace breathes a sigh of relief. The Regulators ride. Grace cries.

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