MONDO EXTRAS

The Miracle Maker

by Omar G April 26, 2000
The Miracle Maker

The disciples are having one of their bull sessions and they decide to ask Jesus who would be the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven: Spiderman or Batman. Jesus says that unless Batman and Spiderman become humble like little children, they won't even make it in to Heaven. That goes for Wonder Woman, too. A rich man asks Jesus "Who gets to gets to go to Heaven." Jesus tells a long story but it comes to this: the Samaritans, or anyone else who stops to help a wounded man can get in. And Michael J. Fox. And the '98 Denver Broncos. And Stevie Wonder. And Bjørk.

Another story, another scene. Jesus is standing at the top of the hill. Every scene seems to open with Jesus standing somewhere, as if he hasn't mastered the theatrical art of stage business. He should be whittling a block of wood or something, at least. More bad news from a messenger: Lazarus is really sick. Jesus decides not to go, but doesn't give a really good explanation why. It's part of the greater plan, he tells Tamar, but she doesn't seem convinced.

Then suddenly, we get the 2D animated version of how Jesus did go to Lazarus and helped him rise from the dead. Lazarus comes out of his cave, dressed in bandages like Darkman and when he emerges, alive, there's a small, dull cheer from the crowd as if he performed a nifty card trick instead of rising from death. In any case, Jesus is making a lot of fans just in time for his big trek to Jerusalem. While he's trekking, the religious bigwigs are plotting to have him be the scapegoat against the Romans. Jesus, dude, watch your back, is all I'm saying.

Commercials. Even Jesus thinks it's a little creepy that Drew Carey is playing Geppetto in a live-action Disney TV movie (Who's Lie Is It Anyway?). Doesn't he claim to frequent brothels?

In Jerusalem, Jesus enters the marketplace and lays the smack down. "My father's house is a house of prayer," he says, before overturning a table full of money. "But you have turned it into a den of thieves!" In a conventional Hollywood film, this is where Jesus would go Jackie Chan on everybody's ass, but instead, he just yells and overturns all the carts. The Romans come in and are about to arrest him before somebody interrupts and asks Jesus what he thinks about Roman taxation. Man, talk about a boring segue. Jesus says taxes are okay, as long as God gets his cut. "Give to God!" he says. Much huzzah-ing ensues.

More plotting: the Romans are trying to figure out a way to arrest Jesus without causing a riot. Maybe in secret somebody could lead them to the Messiah? They're looking for a turncoat and somewhere, Judas' ears are burning.

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The Miracle Maker

by Omar G April 26, 2000
The Miracle Maker The disciples are having one of their bull sessions and they decide to ask Jesus who would be the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven: Spiderman or Batman. Jesus says that unless Batman and Spiderman become humble like little children, they won't even make it in to Heaven. That goes for Wonder Woman, too. A rich man asks Jesus "Who gets to gets to go to Heaven." Jesus tells a long story but it comes to this: the Samaritans, or anyone else who stops to help a wounded man can get in. And Michael J. Fox. And the '98 Denver Broncos. And Stevie Wonder. And Bjørk. Another story, another scene. Jesus is standing at the top of the hill. Every scene seems to open with Jesus standing somewhere, as if he hasn't mastered the theatrical art of stage business. He should be whittling a block of wood or something, at least. More bad news from a messenger: Lazarus is really sick. Jesus decides not to go, but doesn't give a really good explanation why. It's part of the greater plan, he tells Tamar, but she doesn't seem convinced. Then suddenly, we get the 2D animated version of how Jesus did go to Lazarus and helped him rise from the dead. Lazarus comes out of his cave, dressed in bandages like Darkman and when he emerges, alive, there's a small, dull cheer from the crowd as if he performed a nifty card trick instead of rising from death. In any case, Jesus is making a lot of fans just in time for his big trek to Jerusalem. While he's trekking, the religious bigwigs are plotting to have him be the scapegoat against the Romans. Jesus, dude, watch your back, is all I'm saying. Commercials. Even Jesus thinks it's a little creepy that Drew Carey is playing Geppetto in a live-action Disney TV movie (Who's Lie Is It Anyway?). Doesn't he claim to frequent brothels? In Jerusalem, Jesus enters the marketplace and lays the smack down. "My father's house is a house of prayer," he says, before overturning a table full of money. "But you have turned it into a den of thieves!" In a conventional Hollywood film, this is where Jesus would go Jackie Chan on everybody's ass, but instead, he just yells and overturns all the carts. The Romans come in and are about to arrest him before somebody interrupts and asks Jesus what he thinks about Roman taxation. Man, talk about a boring segue. Jesus says taxes are okay, as long as God gets his cut. "Give to God!" he says. Much huzzah-ing ensues. More plotting: the Romans are trying to figure out a way to arrest Jesus without causing a riot. Maybe in secret somebody could lead them to the Messiah? They're looking for a turncoat and somewhere, Judas' ears are burning.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8Next

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