MONDO EXTRAS

The Miracle Maker

by Omar G April 26, 2000
The Miracle Maker

Have I mentioned that the constant switching between regular animation and Claymation is getting really annoying? I'm tempted to curse about it, but I might get smited.

Judas gets tempted, and eventually caves like Lazarus' Temporary Final Resting Home. He offers to lead the Jesus-haters to Jesus.

It's Last Supper time. Everybody is gathered at this impossibly long and very familiar-looking table. Jesus breaks his bread and says that everybody should eat it because it's in memory of him. And they should drink wine, "for this is my blood." Everybody isn't sure what to make of this; they think it's some sort of elaborate drinking game. But then Jesus drops the bomb: this is the last time he'll eat with them until they're all eating together in Dad's kingdom. "No! Nooooo!" one of the disciples says, but it doesn't help. Jesus knows the score, and he even knows who will betray him. "Go and do it," he tells Judas. Judas wishes he could just disappear like a rapidly diminishing can of Play-Doh, but it's not in the cards. "It's time," Jesus says, as they get ready to go outside. A Claymation Michael Buffer runs in and, under Jesus' advisement, yells, "Let's get ready to be HUUUUMBLLLEEEEE!"

Out in the woods, Jesus promises he'll come back and that everybody will understand everything. Like in a few hundred years, tops. He wanders off and because he's Jesus, he can turn into normal animation at will. He does so, and asks God for there to be some other way. In the form of a big horrifying, floating crown of thorns, God says, "Um, no." Jesus gives in and says that God's will will be done. Well, duh.

Judas obviously doesn't feel much guilt because as soon as the commercials are over, he's back, leading the bad guys to Jesus. Before that, though, he goes up to Jesus and gives him a kiss on the cheek. "Would you betray me with a kiss?" Jesus asks. Yeah. Yeah he would. A big throng of bad guys come up to capture Jesus. One of the disciples whips out a sword and cuts Judas so he's covered in rust red clay. Jesus yells, "No!" and everybody freezes. He heals Judas, and then this bright white light flashes, as if he's one of the Men in Black and is going to make everybody forget what they saw. Instead, he says that if he wanted to, his Dad could send a whole army of angels to whip some Roman ass. Instead, he's going to do the smart thing: become a martyr. The cops take Jesus away, but not before somebody punches him upside the head. Hell, table for one?

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The Miracle Maker

by Omar G April 26, 2000
The Miracle Maker Have I mentioned that the constant switching between regular animation and Claymation is getting really annoying? I'm tempted to curse about it, but I might get smited. Judas gets tempted, and eventually caves like Lazarus' Temporary Final Resting Home. He offers to lead the Jesus-haters to Jesus. It's Last Supper time. Everybody is gathered at this impossibly long and very familiar-looking table. Jesus breaks his bread and says that everybody should eat it because it's in memory of him. And they should drink wine, "for this is my blood." Everybody isn't sure what to make of this; they think it's some sort of elaborate drinking game. But then Jesus drops the bomb: this is the last time he'll eat with them until they're all eating together in Dad's kingdom. "No! Nooooo!" one of the disciples says, but it doesn't help. Jesus knows the score, and he even knows who will betray him. "Go and do it," he tells Judas. Judas wishes he could just disappear like a rapidly diminishing can of Play-Doh, but it's not in the cards. "It's time," Jesus says, as they get ready to go outside. A Claymation Michael Buffer runs in and, under Jesus' advisement, yells, "Let's get ready to be HUUUUMBLLLEEEEE!" Out in the woods, Jesus promises he'll come back and that everybody will understand everything. Like in a few hundred years, tops. He wanders off and because he's Jesus, he can turn into normal animation at will. He does so, and asks God for there to be some other way. In the form of a big horrifying, floating crown of thorns, God says, "Um, no." Jesus gives in and says that God's will will be done. Well, duh. Judas obviously doesn't feel much guilt because as soon as the commercials are over, he's back, leading the bad guys to Jesus. Before that, though, he goes up to Jesus and gives him a kiss on the cheek. "Would you betray me with a kiss?" Jesus asks. Yeah. Yeah he would. A big throng of bad guys come up to capture Jesus. One of the disciples whips out a sword and cuts Judas so he's covered in rust red clay. Jesus yells, "No!" and everybody freezes. He heals Judas, and then this bright white light flashes, as if he's one of the Men in Black and is going to make everybody forget what they saw. Instead, he says that if he wanted to, his Dad could send a whole army of angels to whip some Roman ass. Instead, he's going to do the smart thing: become a martyr. The cops take Jesus away, but not before somebody punches him upside the head. Hell, table for one?

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8Next

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