MONDO EXTRAS

The Miracle Worker

by Pamie November 11, 2000
The Miracle Worker

Stee: "There's a difference. It's very subtle."

Pamie: "Far too subtle for you Irish to grasp."

Mrs. Keller says, "It's not only Helen around here that needs to learn how to talk." James says that things will be different if Helen is better. "Who will I blame then for my unhappiness?" he laments. Well, James, you can start with blaming Disney. No, Pepsi. Wait. Disney and Pepsi. Shit. I'll get back to you.

Annie wears the worst clothes ever as she writes her final letter. I think she robbed the Ye Old Units Shoppe. Captain shows up with a giant dog. Annie brings the dog into the house and gives him to PG. Spelling ensues.

Stee: Bite her!

Pamie: Please bite her.

Captain tells Annie that her two weeks are up. Annie says she has until five. Annie asks for another week. Captain tells her that she can't have that long and that Mrs. Keller wants Helen back. There is more lamenting and fist raising and "The words are in her fingers already" talk. Captain sees PG signing "water" into the dog's paw. He thinks she's about as smart as the dog. Annie pleads. Captain says Annie has her until five.

"Where is she?" Mrs. Keller slurs.

Annie goes into the giant "Why me?" scene where she yells at PG about all of the things she wanted to teach her and how "W-A-T-E-R" is "water" and not "dog." PG smiles, dips her fingers into the water and pets the dog.

Stee: "D-O-G P-E-N-I-S."

Annie begins packing her suitcase and says she's just giving up. PG puts her hand into the air and Annie shouts, "Reach! Rrrreach!" Long close-up of them joining hands as Annie begins wailing about dreams and feeling and sharing and words. The dog is totally upstaging the other two in this scene.

Stee: That dog is ten times more fascinating than anything on the screen.

The dog makes eye contact with us.

Pamie: Whoa! Hi, dog.

Annie starts spelling everything in the house and putting PG's hands on it. Chair. Napkin. Dress. Dog. Face. You know the drill. Annie begins to cry and wipes her tears onto PG's face.

Pamie: E-M-M-Y.

And we go to commercial. Spot for 102 Dalmatians.

Stee: Stop dropping the puppies from the sky, they don't like it!

Michael Eisner and Leslie Neilsen wasted about one week of my life during that commercial break.

Pamie: I will never recap anything Leslie Nielsen is ever in. Ever.

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The Miracle Worker

by Pamie November 11, 2000
The Miracle Worker The Kellers decide to go get Helen. Annie signs to PG that she's going home. PG starts putting her things away. Stee: C-A-A. That's my agent. That's who I'm calling and firing for making me do this movie. Mrs. Keller bumrushes the front door as Annie asks for more time. Mrs. Keller refuses and runs over to Helen, calling her name. Looks like the Kellers still have a lot to learn. Helen is very happy to feel her mother. They ride off in the long carriage ride, leaving Annie behind to sit on the Rocking Chair of Flashbacks and think about how her brother was separated from her once he caught The Fever. Annie continues talking through her flashback. Maybe it's holding the doll that causes it. I don't know. Annie applies medicine to her eye and then tosses the rest of the medicine in her washbasin. Ew. Stee: This is the only way liquid is going to come from her eyes at any time in this film. Pamie: "F-A-K-E T-E-A-R-S." James arrives to escort Annie back to the Manor. "Are you feeling sorry for yourself, Miss Sullivan?" he asks her. "Just this once. Yes," she answers. Annie and James walk through the fields discussing the Captain. Stee: "Would you like some hot sex, Annie?" Pamie: Man, right about now that would be a miracle. Annie tells him to stand up to the world. "He's a man, James. That's all. So are you." "Do you have any advice for me, Ms. Sullivan?" Stee: "Acting class." Pamie: "Wash off the stipple powder." Mrs. Keller welcomes Crazy Aunt Lady back into the house to see the new Helen. Sitting like a scary purple doll, PG walks over to Crazy Aunt Lady and pats her face. Crazy Aunt Lady declares Annie a genius. Captain pays Annie and compliments her. Annie says she only taught PG "no," but wanted to teach her "yes." She asks for his help. "Don't undo what I've done." She asks him not to give into all of PG's whims. He promises to "try." Annie gives another music-worthy speech, but Captain dismisses it with, "I'll see you at supper." PG walks around the house and takes all of the keys from the doors. She hands them to Mrs. Keller. Mrs. Keller puts the keys in her pocket as the music swells. "I think we've had enough locked doors around here." Fade to commercial. Dinner time. James leads the prayer (it's the story of Jacob wrestling the angel) as PG watches him. Crazy Aunt Lady ends the grace with, "That's a very strange grace, James." James says he thought it was fitting. As the family makes chit chat about James and tobacco, PG starts throwing her napkin on the ground. Annie gives it back to her. Napkin on the ground. Annie puts it back. Captain starts talking about weevils. James is to take care of the weevils. Napkin on the ground. PG puts her hand in the food and starts a tantrum. Annie starts to take PG's food away as Mrs. Keller pleads to let PG have her way since she just got home. "We've hardly had an hour with her." Honey, we're going on hour two, and trust me, you just want to let PG leave the room right now and give you some damn peace. The girl is fucking creepy. Annie starts the whole "Don't let her get her way" diatribe and pleads with the Captain to let her work. Everyone is indignant that Helen will have to be punished since Mrs. Keller made all of Helen's favorite foods. Annie allows the Kellers to have their way. She sits down and says, "Please. Pass me more of Helen's favorite foods." Mrs. Keller tells Annie to take PG. She does. More groaning and wailing. The Captain says he doesn't want her to have to leave the table. More railing from Annie. The Captain puts PG back into her chair and asks for her plate back. Annie hands him the plate. He hands PG a fork. It is quiet while everyone looks embarrassed. PG throws the fork and the napkin and begins eating with her hands. She stands to start eating from everyone's plate as the Cello of Defiance kicks in. Annie tries to stop PG, but PG throws the pitcher of water in Annie's face. Annie picks her up and takes her out of the room. She yells at the Kellers and says she's taking her outside to refill the pitcher. Crazy Aunt Lady asks Captain how he could let Annie speak to him that way. The Captain starts to run after Annie, but James stands up and gives his "Let Her Go" monologue, with which he finally stands up to his father in resolution of the Subplot of Time Wasting.

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