MONDO EXTRAS

The Miracle Worker

by Pamie November 11, 2000
The Miracle Worker

Pamie: Here we go. Pepsi Girl's gonna get smacked.

Stee: Let's see Aretha Franklin save her now.

Mrs. Keller walks in to find Annie spelling "Bad girl" while PG goes into another moaning tantrum. Annie tells Mrs. Keller that Helen is smart "and angry" and that she's going to break through eventually. Mrs. Keller asks to learn the alphabet. Annie says she'll start teaching her tomorrow. PG then pricks Annie with the pen and goes into a tantrum. Mrs. Keller swoops PG into her arms and feeds her a candy. Annie asks why PG gets a reward for being bad. Mrs. Keller says she doesn't know and apologizes.

Commecial. Seven-Up spot.

Stee: Man, I'd rather see Orlando Jones as Helen Keller.

And here it is. The breakfast scene. Endlessly long. Small chit chat as PG tries not to make eye contact with anything. She doesn't have a place setting but instead runs from person to person grabbing eggs and sausage off of plates and shoving food into her mouth.

Pamie: Oh, c'mon. She knows this room backwards and forwards.

Stee: Look! I think the Kellers have a Golden Globe on the shelf back there.

Pamie: Well, certainly not for this.

PG is in pink and very clean. Always with a ribbon or a hat in her hair. I can't even keep a pair of pantyhose from getting a run for five minutes, and I'm supposed to believe this heathen child can keep a gown and petticoat spotless after running around all day and night? Right. There's something about watching scrambled eggs being shoved in a mouth that makes me very nauseous. Annie doesn't want PG to steal from her plate and the family goes into an argument about how the family just lets PG eat whatever she wants. Oh, whatever. You know this part. Blah, blah, blah your pity hurts Helencakes. PG is on the floor rolling on her back in a full tantrum. I didn't think it was possible, but this is worse than any Pepsi commercial ever. PG is making crazy eye contact all over the place. After about five minutes of indignation, Annie kicks the rest of the Keller household out of the room so she can teach PG how to eat like a good girl. Oh, God. That tantrum is disturbing. All pantaloons and moaning. ["Stee, isn't that the name of your seventh album?" -- pamie] Now, first of all, we're completely stoked about this scene. The only reason we agreed to recap this movie was to see Pepsi Girl get the repeated smackdown. Who wouldn't want to see her get smashed in the face repeatedly? And get paid for it? Brilliant! Annie locks all of the doors and clears a place for PG at the table. PG stares at the food but Annie pulls it away before PG's hand juts out.

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The Miracle Worker

by Pamie November 11, 2000
The Miracle Worker The Captain is angry and leaves the house. We are treated to a brief but merciful break. PG is on the ground moaning and beating the floor with her fist. She stares at random things as she throws her body back and forth. Annie sits at a table, eating. PG pinches Annie. Annie spells no. PG tries to grab some eggs, but flinches when Annie's hand reaches out. PG pinches again. PG finds Annie's face and slaps it. Annie wheels her head back like she just got Springered. She gives PG the most gingerly slap back. PG stops, exhales, and hits Annie again. Annie whips her face to the side with an incredible squint. She lightly pats PG on the face again. Total. Gyp. PG takes a step back and backhands Annie. Then she slaps her forward. Annie's head is flipping back and forth, and I'm surprised she's not making those "yada-yada-yada" noises to "come back" to "reality." Small tapping of the fingertips on that million-dollar Pepsi mouth. PG bitchslaps Annie. Small touching of the dimples that bring us so much joy with each commercial break. Dammit, Annie, I came here to watch you hit her! Do you know how many times I had to sit through her wretched movie trailer where she's telling me the "rules" of the movie theater? Hit her! Hit her! PG starts slamming on the table and groaning. She signs "whore" again. She signs "whore" and walks around the table feeling the empty chairs. She makes eye contact with things and then throws them on the floor. She runs away from Annie and wails as she throws All Things Glass onto the ground. She beats on the door. Annie puts PG in her chair. The cello stops long enough for us to think that perhaps this is over, but PG darts out of the chair and onto the floor. Annie catches her and throws her back into the chair. Out of the chair. Into the chair. Out of the chair. Into the chair. If you'd like a transcript of this scene, here it is: HELEN: Nnnnnnniiiihhh! Nnnniihhhhhh! ANNIE: [pants] HELEN: Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnhhh. Nnrrrnnnnnhhhh. Nnnnniiiiirrhiihrrhhhuuuhh. ANNIE: [pants] CELLO: [merciless] Out of the chair. Into the chair. Out of the chair. Into the chair. Through the arm, onto the floor. PG crawls under the table and towards the camera. Annie pulls her back by her foot. PG makes eye contact with her beaming parents as Annie tosses her back into the chair. Out of the chair, onto the table. PG stands on the table and spins in circles. She steps on food and spins. The cello is out of control. Spinning, spinning, shaky overhead cam. Annie stands ready to catch. PG falls into Annie's arms with a grunt, and Annie takes PG back to the chair. Annie puts some eggs on a plate and places it in front of PG. PG starts grabbing eggs, and Annie pulls PG's hand away. She hands her a spoon.

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