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The Mists Of Avalon, Part One

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Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
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Just close your eyes and think of England
She waves her arms around, and Gwen wanders over to say hi to Lance, then suddenly crosses herself and yells something about "fairy people" at Margulaine, who rolls her eyes and notes how quickly Gwen started in with the irritating. Lance explains that they are in the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective, and Gwen says that Avalon doesn't exist, and Margulaine says in a deadly tone, "Oh, it does." Lance and Gwen get a little romantic, but Margulaine is not having it and brings the Mists back, causing Gwen to freak out for a second and then wander away. Lance is looking disapprovingly at Margulaine and compares her to Vivarin. Margulaine thinks he's being unfair, and compares him to an unfeeling child who knows damn well why she's acting like this but is playing dumb because he'd rather hit on the blonde girl. No, she doesn't -- she just asks him if he's going to stay at the Collective because she's crushing on him like Seventeen magazine. He says no, and then, just because he can, implies that it's because she's a bitch, and walks off. This apparently causes her to fall in love with Lancelot, as "explained" in the voice-over for the next scene, where Margulaine is dressed in a crazy Eyes Wide Shut kind of costume with a mask. She apparently has gotten bored and drawn all over herself in marker. I feel that she is my soul sister because I too am drawing on myself out of boredom, albeit in ballpoint. She talks about how Vivarin says it's very important that she represent the Virgin Huntress at the fertility rites of Beltane, which is a euphemism for "have drugged-out anonymous ritual sex." I am confused, because all she says is that her partner will be the man who kills the wild stag, and I don't know if that's like a name for a God, like "He Who Kills The Wild Stag" or "He Who Wears Tin Foil On His Face," or if it's the name of the guy who wins a stag-killing contest. It's actually all three, but I don't care about that because I'm busy getting creeped out. The women of the forest lead Margulaine down into yet another gross-looking cave, where they take off her clothes and put her in a big bed and wave crazy incense all around. At the same time, some half-naked dude with tin foil on his face is chasing a giant stag and killing it dead. Margulaine looks at another painting on the cave wall and is irritated by it, because she realizes that she's about to lose her virginity in the caves at Lascoux and that is just so touristy. Just as soon as she gets herself comfortable, tin-foil guy shows up, and they do it, and it's kind of creepy, with these heavy drums and creepy masks and singing. Outside, because this is a really big holiday, there are people setting stuff on fire, and also swinging things on fire around their heads while yipping.

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Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part One

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Just close your eyes and think of England

Margulaine: Hey, who's that girl down there?
Arthur: The blonde with Lance? Don't tell anybody, but that's my fiancée. It's a big secret for some reason, even though everybody knows and I just introduced her to Lancelot as my fiancée in front of a horde of people.
Margulaine: Are you in love with her?
Me: How could he possibly be? She is incredibly unpleasant.
Arthur: I will be. I am going to force myself to love her for reasons unclear even to myself.
Margulaine: Is there someone else?
Arthur: No.
Me: Yes.
Margulaine: There is so; you can't lie to me. I am a priestess of the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective, which means I get my meals for half-price at most restaurants in town, I have an endless supply of hemp jewelry, and I can tell when people are lying.
Arthur: There is. There has been someone else.
Me: Lancelot?
Arthur: No, they cut that part of the book out of the screenplay.
Me: Damn.
Arthur: Tell me about it.
Margulaine: What are you talking about?
Arthur: Nothing. So this girl, I'm in love with her.
Margulaine: What's her name?
Arthur: I don't know.
Margulaine (smirking): You didn't ask?
Arthur: We didn't talk.
Me: Wow, gross.
Margulaine: Don't be a cultural relativist. What did she look like?
Arthur: She looked like a girl who got bored and drew all over herself with marker and then put on a scary mask and screwed a stranger at Beltane. Do you know anyone matching that description?
Margulaine: Oh, hell.

The rest of this scene is hard to watch and probably the most emotionally engaging part of the entire four-hour epic. Margulies should get an Emmy or something for this scene, I mean it. She's like a human Gwyneth Paltrow flipbook of facial expressions, because she doesn't want Arthur to know anything's wrong, and sure as hell doesn't want Arthur to know what is wrong, and wants the good times to continue because she misses her brother, and wants to get the hell out of there, and wants to kill somebody, and wants a fifth of scotch, and wants to go downstairs and do it with Lance even though that's unrelated, and she wants to go cry by herself, and she wants to smile at Arthur. It's really awesome. And he runs off laughing and saying they'll hang out later, and she freaks out and freaks out, and it's awful.

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