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The Mists Of Avalon, Part One

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Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
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Just close your eyes and think of England
Margulaine: Hey, who's that girl down there? Arthur: The blonde with Lance? Don't tell anybody, but that's my fiancée. It's a big secret for some reason, even though everybody knows and I just introduced her to Lancelot as my fiancée in front of a horde of people. Margulaine: Are you in love with her? Me: How could he possibly be? She is incredibly unpleasant. Arthur: I will be. I am going to force myself to love her for reasons unclear even to myself. Margulaine: Is there someone else? Arthur: No. Me: Yes. Margulaine: There is so; you can't lie to me. I am a priestess of the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective, which means I get my meals for half-price at most restaurants in town, I have an endless supply of hemp jewelry, and I can tell when people are lying. Arthur: There is. There has been someone else. Me: Lancelot? Arthur: No, they cut that part of the book out of the screenplay. Me: Damn. Arthur: Tell me about it. Margulaine: What are you talking about? Arthur: Nothing. So this girl, I'm in love with her. Margulaine: What's her name? Arthur: I don't know. Margulaine (smirking): You didn't ask? Arthur: We didn't talk. Me: Wow, gross. Margulaine: Don't be a cultural relativist. What did she look like? Arthur: She looked like a girl who got bored and drew all over herself with marker and then put on a scary mask and screwed a stranger at Beltane. Do you know anyone matching that description? Margulaine: Oh, hell.
The rest of this scene is hard to watch and probably the most emotionally engaging part of the entire four-hour epic. Margulies should get an Emmy or something for this scene, I mean it. She's like a human Gwyneth Paltrow flipbook of facial expressions, because she doesn't want Arthur to know anything's wrong, and sure as hell doesn't want Arthur to know what is wrong, and wants the good times to continue because she misses her brother, and wants to get the hell out of there, and wants to kill somebody, and wants a fifth of scotch, and wants to go downstairs and do it with Lance even though that's unrelated, and she wants to go cry by herself, and she wants to smile at Arthur. It's really awesome. And he runs off laughing and saying they'll hang out later, and she freaks out and freaks out, and it's awful.

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Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part One

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Just close your eyes and think of England

We catch up with Margulaine eight months later at the totally trashy Orkney castle, where she is staying with the King and Queen of Mean. Some gross, dirty people laugh while King Lot menaces Margulaine with some liver in a pan. She is so grossed out by him, the organ he's waving in her face, and the environment she's in that she goes into labor. There's a scuffle, and Lot grabs his wife and tells her that this baby is a bad idea. She's all, "Twist my arm," because she's super mean. Vivarin tries to call Margulaine up on the Wellphone but, either because of some enchantment on the part of the Queen of Mean, or because Margulaine is in a bad way and not having the best kind of labor, or perhaps because Margulaine HATES HER, is unable to get through. Maybe Margulaine just turned her answering machine on, this not being the best time and all. I don't really know that much about how the Wellphone works.

The Queen of Mean opens the window and some snow flies in, and she puts the baby on the windowsill, grabs a shawl, sits by the fire, and proceeds to watch the baby freezing to death. It's kind of creepy. At the last moment, by impersonating Migraine, she is able to get the information out of a delirious Margulaine that the baby is Arthur's. She thinks for a second, grabs the baby, and takes it downstairs to Lot, who offers through some stunning non-verbal communication to throw the baby in the fire, but she explains that it's Arthur's, and they both kind of chew on that icky info for a while, and then they decide to raise the boy themselves, cutting Margulaine out of the whole parenting loop just like Vivarin did to Migraine and Uther before. That way, the Queen of Mean will have a son she can utterly control that is also the High King's firstborn son. Margulaine VOs: "A new and dreadful power was unleashed, and the fate of all Britain was altered forever." I confess a shiver down my spine at these words.

Tomorrow on the conclusion of Kink Arthur: My Own Private Avalon: Threesome! Gwen gets naked! A totally irrelevant marriage-to-an-old-guy subplot! More King and Queen of Mean Machinations! Mean Jr. becomes a knight of the Round Table! Does awful shit happen to Margulaine? Why yes it does! Also included: the Fall of Camelot, Arthur, the Harvest Home Womyn's Collective, what little sartorial credibility the series started with, and the Heroic Age of Britannia! Plus, yelling!

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