Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part One

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Jacob Clifton: F | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Just close your eyes and think of England
The rest of the scene, it's almost like I am slowly realizing (or perhaps being led to realize?) that there are key differences between Gerlois and this "mysterious stranger," like how Gerlois and all his soldiers have darker hair and this guy has lighter reddish-blond hair, or how the mysterious stranger is a devotee of the "old religion," like Migraine, while Gerlois has already been described as rabidly against the lame psychic powers of the Goddess, or how the only dog Gerlois brought to dinner was his wife. Could Migraine's husband and this random guy be less like each other? Because they're way different. OH MY GOODNESS! You'll never guess! Mysterious guy leans across the table to get some kind of barbarian aperitif and exposes his inside wrist and -- wait for it -- there is a DRAGON TATTOO just hanging out on that wrist. Just like Merlin's dragon-shaped puddle of wine from less than five minutes ago! It looks just like it! This is more than a coincidence, I'm sure of it. In fact, my own psychic powers tell me this might just be the fellow Migraine's supposed to get procreating with. But can we be sure it's the same tattoo? Just in case, there's now a flashback to the blurry dragon-shaped puddle of wine and a quick comparison with the dragon tattoo on the guy (so you don't have to stop and rewind in order to compare, I assume, because this isn't Memento, people -- it's not even Blair Witch 2), then back to Migraine, who seems dizzy from this rapidly-reviewed turn of events. Maybe she thinks she's having deja vu since the flashback occurred so close to events which happened only minutes ago. Guess her short-term memory works the same as her lame mind powers, only in lame reverse. Migraine excuses herself to flip out in the courtyard while High King Ambrose says to the assembled braid-and-beard capos of all New Jersey, "What I am about to say will be of great importance to you all." Ordinarily in a movie or book or real life, when someone says this, you feel like listening to what the person says next. If you don't feel that way this time, you're in luck! Because we don't hear the greatly important thing -- maybe it's too important for us to hear? -- but instead are treated to some awful dialogue that makes us feel greased up and dirty. Uther Pendragon has followed Migraine out into the courtyard and starts in on her like a fifties stereotype guy talking about blue balls, only even grosser because he's also talking about reincarnation, and how can she not give in to his advances when it's possible they were total porno sex-buddies in their other lives, maybe, not to mention that she's been begging for it ever since he walked in a few minutes ago when she checked out his arm and then bolted for the door. "Coach said I could die if we don't."

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Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part One

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Just close your eyes and think of England

Gerlois shows up and gets all jealous, then drops the bad-news bomb that The Authorities is Uther Pendragon his own personal self, the new High King. I wonder if this was the important thing Ambrose told the capos, and why Uther wouldn't stay in the room for the important stuff, especially when it was about him. Anyway, Migraine's eyes water, and she looks at her feet, and Gerlois is trying to set things on fire with his mind, but he can't because he's only a Christian, and Uther says something about not to envy him. Because he doesn't have Migraine. Because he's a big drunk. Because of his chronic body odor. Because neener-neener I'm going to screw your wife in a second, so bye. Because being boss is already giving him agita. He exits to be High King in some other, less domestic-violence-oriented location.

Gerlois freaks out on Migraine for Hanging With Mr. Uther, and she wisely decides to keep mum about the apparently mind-blowing sex she may have had with big old Uther in their other lives. Then Gerlois freaks out on Migraine, because women who spend time with Uther receive demerits in Gerlois's Big Book o' Judgments or whatever, and Migraine has a backbone attack and tells him he's a jerk for thinking she would fool around on the good thing she has with him. Because the good times are really, really good, and she's made her peace with being put under the occasional house arrest, or smacked around for having epilepsy. Gerlois reaches out because this is somehow obscurely an insult to his masculinity, and then Migraine's eyes don't water even a little as she tells him that if he is thinking about hitting her, he better shove that egg right back up the chicken because she will totally do some dark magics on him, or something equally bad, like forcing him to sleep with the Queen of Mean, or take Merlin with him next time he goes out drinking with the guys. Because Merlin hates being seen as just Vivarin's bitch, and always feels left out when they come over.

Later, a messenger comes from the new High King to ask for Gerlois' troops in the fight against the Saxons. Particularly glaring here is Gerlois' Angel-caliber awful accent, and he and the messenger from Uther get into a yelling pissing contest which is more than anything a kind of Bad Accent Bee. There's overacting and yelling and repetition, but the gist here is that Gerlois would rather keep his troops in Cornwall than send them to Camelot. Which makes total sense, except for how Gerlois lives in a feudal setting in which his wealth, title, prestige, trophy wife, and home all come from the central idea that his men are Uther's to do with what he thinks is best. Logic is not what Gerlois is all about, right now. He still hates Uther for talking to his wife one time in public, so much so that he is willing to go rogue and actually take his men to Uther's camp, sneak up in the night like a cowardly jerk, and kill Uther, the High King of all Britain, for not really any reason at all.

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