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The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

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The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie
Previously: There was some yelling, frankly, and a little bit of sex. Three weird sisters and their kids made Brittania their own personal cocktail party of dysfunction. Margulaine ran all over the place having awful things done to her by her relatives. Somebody mentioned something about needing a champion to unite the Christians and the Pagans in a postmodern folk-song kind of Brady Family Interfaith Celebration of Love and Values. There was incest, and some extramarital kissing and hugging. A tattoo made an appearance. The Queen of Mean had big plans, and so did Vivarin, but Migraine had no plans beyond buying herself some adult diapers. Margulaine had no plans besides waiting to exhale and hoping nothing heavy would fall on her from out of the sky. We begin with regrets: apparently, after giving away her only child to become the slightly-useless, slightly-embarrassing incest sister of Camelot, Margulaine has given it all up to be Orkney trailer trash in a modern extended family unit with the King and Queen of Mean and her illegitimate son by her brother Arthur, the unfortunately-named Mordred. Apparently, she wants us to understand, you really can have it all. Quoth Margulaine in the Flashback Canoe, her "life is over," and she feels "lost" in the titular Mists. She thinks she is in group therapy and has decided to share. Meanwhile, at Camelot -- she tells us -- everything is super fine, including the Knights of the Round Table getting famous and hosting their own talk shows. We see Arthur walk into his boudoir, where his awful wife Gwen is lying around feeling superior and put-upon like a neuralgic of the Olden Days. She starts up bitching before he can say hi, angry that he didn't figure out that she had her period from the obvious contextual clues of her reading a trashy novel, eating frozen yogurt, and listening to Tori Amos with all the lights turned off. He has a very growly voice in this scene, as they argue interminably about blah blah blah heircakes. He starts talking about how they don't need a baby because they are young and the sun is shining. She calls him a butthead, basically, and says that at least they don't have to do it for a whole month, and he agrees with her that this is a good thing, because he still doesn't love her, because she is horrible. Speaking of having sex with King Arthur, we are treated to Flashback #122 of Arthur with tin foil on his face, coming into a cave to get busy with his sister. We hear somebody scream "Arthur!" and decide that it's Lancelot (come to find out it's Incest Bastard), since there is no explanation of this whatsoever. So Margulaine jumps up screaming where she lies on a riverbank on location in Prague, except she has agreed to pretend that she is on location in Scotland. We have made no such promises. It's a combination flashback to incest and psychic premonition that Arthur, like everyone else in the world except Scully, is going to eventually die. Margulaine's mind powers are unreliable and stupid. Björk, who is playing her young son Mordred, asks why she has bad dreams all the time. Not wanting to bore him with the details of the clinical depression and schizophrenia which characterize their bloodline, she tells him that some people are brunettes and some are blondes, and some are normal and some are part of the family of Avalon. She starts talking about how fun hallucinating can be, but the Queen of Mean nips that in the bud and pulls Björk away from Margulaine because she doesn't want her touching him.

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Mondo Extra
The Mists Of Avalon, Part Two

Episode Report Card
Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
The sun never sets on the TNT Original Movie

Previously: There was some yelling, frankly, and a little bit of sex. Three weird sisters and their kids made Brittania their own personal cocktail party of dysfunction. Margulaine ran all over the place having awful things done to her by her relatives. Somebody mentioned something about needing a champion to unite the Christians and the Pagans in a postmodern folk-song kind of Brady Family Interfaith Celebration of Love and Values. There was incest, and some extramarital kissing and hugging. A tattoo made an appearance. The Queen of Mean had big plans, and so did Vivarin, but Migraine had no plans beyond buying herself some adult diapers. Margulaine had no plans besides waiting to exhale and hoping nothing heavy would fall on her from out of the sky.

We begin with regrets: apparently, after giving away her only child to become the slightly-useless, slightly-embarrassing incest sister of Camelot, Margulaine has given it all up to be Orkney trailer trash in a modern extended family unit with the King and Queen of Mean and her illegitimate son by her brother Arthur, the unfortunately-named Mordred. Apparently, she wants us to understand, you really can have it all. Quoth Margulaine in the Flashback Canoe, her "life is over," and she feels "lost" in the titular Mists. She thinks she is in group therapy and has decided to share.

Meanwhile, at Camelot -- she tells us -- everything is super fine, including the Knights of the Round Table getting famous and hosting their own talk shows. We see Arthur walk into his boudoir, where his awful wife Gwen is lying around feeling superior and put-upon like a neuralgic of the Olden Days. She starts up bitching before he can say hi, angry that he didn't figure out that she had her period from the obvious contextual clues of her reading a trashy novel, eating frozen yogurt, and listening to Tori Amos with all the lights turned off. He has a very growly voice in this scene, as they argue interminably about blah blah blah heircakes. He starts talking about how they don't need a baby because they are young and the sun is shining. She calls him a butthead, basically, and says that at least they don't have to do it for a whole month, and he agrees with her that this is a good thing, because he still doesn't love her, because she is horrible.

Speaking of having sex with King Arthur, we are treated to Flashback #122 of Arthur with tin foil on his face, coming into a cave to get busy with his sister. We hear somebody scream "Arthur!" and decide that it's Lancelot (come to find out it's Incest Bastard), since there is no explanation of this whatsoever. So Margulaine jumps up screaming where she lies on a riverbank on location in Prague, except she has agreed to pretend that she is on location in Scotland. We have made no such promises. It's a combination flashback to incest and psychic premonition that Arthur, like everyone else in the world except Scully, is going to eventually die. Margulaine's mind powers are unreliable and stupid. Björk, who is playing her young son Mordred, asks why she has bad dreams all the time. Not wanting to bore him with the details of the clinical depression and schizophrenia which characterize their bloodline, she tells him that some people are brunettes and some are blondes, and some are normal and some are part of the family of Avalon. She starts talking about how fun hallucinating can be, but the Queen of Mean nips that in the bud and pulls Björk away from Margulaine because she doesn't want her touching him.

It's obviously been about five years since the night the Queen of Mean tried to kill Björk with the chill air of a Prague winter, but all of a sudden Margulaine is feeling like she should get out of Orkney. The Queen of Mean is all about it and tells her to go to Camelot. Margulaine asks about Björk, but the Meanster says she'll keep him there (obviously so that she can use cruel mind tricks and behaviorist-manual brainwashing to make sure Mordred is creepy as can be). Margulaine points out that her aunt is trying to turn the boy against her, and the Queen of Mean, far from denying it, says that they are twin souls. Because Mordred is also an extremely talented and beautiful actress with about a billion Oscar noms who has been relegated to character-actor supporting status because of a ridiculous and ageist Hollywood beauty standard for women, I guess. Margulaine agrees to give up her only child to the evil of Orkney, on the condition that the Queen of Mean keep her son far from Vivarin, the Lady of the Lake. The Queen of Mean agrees, because so far, every time Vivarin has shown up, she has screwed the Queen of Mean's evil schemes all to hell. Valid.

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